Time jokes
What’s the opposite of Stephen Hawking? Stephen walking.
What’s the best part of having sex with a pregnant woman?
You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.
Happy New Year! 🍆🍑🍆🍑
What do you call a night person? A night owl 🦉 who is up all night, lol!
Your momma is so old, when she went to the antique store, they wouldn't let her leave.
Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.
I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
"Like if u cry everytime."
What's the difference between a dad and an Emo?
They both don't last a while.
The time is 9:11, time to put your phones on airplane mode.
My family is lucky I was born so smart. Every time my Dad is struggling at work, he always turns to me when he needs to get ahead.
They say during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the fuck runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?
What time do babies get dirty?
Playtime.
Why are we still fighting in darkness?
"Mission failed, soldier, we will get 'em next time."
If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.
Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?
Doctor: Ten.
Man: Weeks? Months? Days?
Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...
I would tell you a time travel joke, but you did not like it.
Your hairline is so far back that my father couldn't even reach the store in time before it grew!
I hate people that hate life.
Me at the same time: Is cutting self at night.
*hides scars* *acts like I'm fine* hehe
Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...