Time jokes

Life is like a box of chocolates; it doesn’t last long for people.

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.

What's the difference between a dad and an Emo?

They both don't last a while.

I would tell you a time travel joke, but you did not like it.

Your hairline is so far back that my father couldn't even reach the store in time before it grew!

My family is lucky I was born so smart. Every time my Dad is struggling at work, he always turns to me when he needs to get ahead.

The time is 9:11, time to put your phones on airplane mode.

They say during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the fuck runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

I hate people that hate life.

Me at the same time: Is cutting self at night.

*hides scars* *acts like I'm fine* hehe

Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...

I must have at least 87 years of bad luck; every time I look in the mirror, it breaks!

The only time that cows will make noise is when they are in the moooo-d.

What do you get when you cross a belt and a watch?

A waist of time.

I have a daily routine where I take a crap every morning at 6 AM, but wake up at 7 AM. And it's not even a joke.

What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?

One is for Sunday morning, and one is for Sunday night.

Wanna go to suicide school, then time travel to Hitler's bunker and ask him to teach you?

Every time you feel lucky to have your mother in your life, what should you tell her?

I really hit the mother lode with you!

A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left."

The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"

The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

What did mommy spider say to baby spider?

You spend too much time on the web.