Time jokes

If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

"Like if u cry everytime."

Your hairline is so far back that my father couldn't even reach the store in time before it grew!

I would tell you a time travel joke, but you did not like it.

Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?

Doctor: Ten.

Man: Weeks? Months? Days?

Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...

Why are we still fighting in darkness?

"Mission failed, soldier, we will get 'em next time."

What's the difference between a dad and an Emo?

They both don't last a while.

My family is lucky I was born so smart. Every time my Dad is struggling at work, he always turns to me when he needs to get ahead.

The time is 9:11, time to put your phones on airplane mode.

They say during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the fuck runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

The only time that cows will make noise is when they are in the moooo-d.

Are you a red light? Because I stop every time I see you.

Girl (on thirteenth birthday): Ma, why did papa leave?

Mother: Well, it started exactly 1 year and 189 days ago...

I have a daily routine where I take a crap every morning at 6 AM, but wake up at 7 AM. And it's not even a joke.

You know what pun is used for "waist?"

Nothing. You'll find nothing.

It's just a waste of time.

What time do babies get dirty?

Playtime.

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

Every time you feel lucky to have your mother in your life, what should you tell her?

I really hit the mother lode with you!

What did mommy spider say to baby spider?

You spend too much time on the web.