Time jokes

The time is 9:11, time to put your phones on airplane mode.

They say during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the fuck runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

The only time that cows will make noise is when they are in the moooo-d.

Are you a red light? Because I stop every time I see you.

Girl (on thirteenth birthday): Ma, why did papa leave?

Mother: Well, it started exactly 1 year and 189 days ago...

I have a daily routine where I take a crap every morning at 6 AM, but wake up at 7 AM. And it's not even a joke.

You know what pun is used for "waist?"

Nothing. You'll find nothing.

It's just a waste of time.

What time do babies get dirty?

Playtime.

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

Every time you feel lucky to have your mother in your life, what should you tell her?

I really hit the mother lode with you!

What did mommy spider say to baby spider?

You spend too much time on the web.

A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left."

The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"

The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."

Wanna go to suicide school, then time travel to Hitler's bunker and ask him to teach you?

What’s the best part of having sex with a pregnant woman?

You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.

What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?

One is for Sunday morning, and one is for Sunday night.

What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?

A margarita hits the spot every time.

A guy told a beautiful girl, "Hey, I want to make love to you. If I throw $2000 when you go to pick it up, that's when I'll go. Is that okay?"

She called her husband, and he said, "Okay, but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down."

Four hours later, she shows up to her house and tells her husband, "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS!"

Bully: I wouldn't bother wasting my time on a shit person like you.

Me: At least I have a brain unlike you.

Bully: Well at least I have a mom unlike you.

Me: Well your mom is so fat that she got stuck in her car and started bleeding Nutella?

Bully: How would you know that?

Me: Because she told me herself.

Bully: How exactly?

Me: She's on the phone right now.

Phone: *High pitched animal noises*

Me: Told you so!

There was one girl. She met 5000 guys. She had sex with each of them seven times. She became... - flip screen (=).

One time I walked into a room and I saw a man and a dwarf, and I soon found out that the man was the dwarf's father, and I noticed that the dwarf really looked up to him.