Time jokes

Bully: I wouldn't bother wasting my time on a shit person like you.

Me: At least I have a brain unlike you.

Bully: Well at least I have a mom unlike you.

Me: Well your mom is so fat that she got stuck in her car and started bleeding Nutella?

Bully: How would you know that?

Me: Because she told me herself.

Bully: How exactly?

Me: She's on the phone right now.

Phone: *High pitched animal noises*

Me: Told you so!

There was one girl. She met 5000 guys. She had sex with each of them seven times. She became... - flip screen (=).

One time I walked into a room and I saw a man and a dwarf, and I soon found out that the man was the dwarf's father, and I noticed that the dwarf really looked up to him.

Roses are red, lemons are sour.

Open your legs and give me an hour.

I did phone sex, but I'll never do it again because last time my penis got stuck in the charging cord.

"I've only been ripped off twice in my life. The first time was when I ordered three kebabs and they only delivered two. The second time was when we signed Cristiano Ronaldo."

-Al Nassr owner

You guys, this is my last time publishing something here. You guys have been sending rude comments, and I need to work on my mental health. Goodbye.

What do you call someone who gets killed at 12 o'clock on New Year's? First kill of the match.

How are this joke and the kid with cancer alike?

It never gets old.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent!

Jokes about menstruation are never funny, period!

What's the difference between Jeffrey Dahmer and an Emo?

They're both gay and use knives.

What do you call a Muslim with Tourette’s? A ticcing time bomb.

Me: What's the difference between me and my grandpa?

Friends: What?

Me: I've been alive for the past 14 years.

A priest and Rabbi run out of the orphanage.

Priest: "How the hell did that fire start?"

Rabbi: "I don't know, but what about the children?"

Priest: "Fuck the children."

Rabbi: "Do we have time?"

Priest: "There's always time for something like that."

I followed the sun for a day (stood there at noon). I found myself at the same spot.

I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.

Why can’t October fool April?

Because only April fools.

What time is it when your kids stay home from school? S'no time!

May.