Time jokes

Roses are red, lemons are sour.

Open your legs and give me an hour.

I did phone sex, but I'll never do it again because last time my penis got stuck in the charging cord.

"I've only been ripped off twice in my life. The first time was when I ordered three kebabs and they only delivered two. The second time was when we signed Cristiano Ronaldo."

-Al Nassr owner

You guys, this is my last time publishing something here. You guys have been sending rude comments, and I need to work on my mental health. Goodbye.

What do you call someone who gets killed at 12 o'clock on New Year's? First kill of the match.

How are this joke and the kid with cancer alike?

It never gets old.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent!

Jokes about menstruation are never funny, period!

What's the difference between Jeffrey Dahmer and an Emo?

They're both gay and use knives.

What do you call a Muslim with Tourette’s? A ticcing time bomb.

Me: What's the difference between me and my grandpa?

Friends: What?

Me: I've been alive for the past 14 years.

A priest and Rabbi run out of the orphanage.

Priest: "How the hell did that fire start?"

Rabbi: "I don't know, but what about the children?"

Priest: "Fuck the children."

Rabbi: "Do we have time?"

Priest: "There's always time for something like that."

I followed the sun for a day (stood there at noon). I found myself at the same spot.

I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.

Why can’t October fool April?

Because only April fools.

What time is it when your kids stay home from school? S'no time!

May.

Kate: Can we have a threesome?

Trevor: Sure.

The lights go off and Trevor starts doing what he's supposed to be doing, and then he feels something going up his back end. He goes to punch the person behind him, but then he turns on the light, and it was Kate behind him, and he's been fucking the guy the whole time.

Mom says: "I will go kill myself."

Me: *stays quiet cuz knows better than to talk* *also me internally eyerolls*

Some time later me fighting with my mom:

Me to my mom: "Oh, yea than kill me!"

Mom: "What the hell did you just say? I don't want to hear it from you again!"

Lesson?

So it's OK for adults to say "I'll kill myself" but not teens/kids!?!?

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It gets really tense.