Time jokes

The only time that cows will make noise is when they are in the moooo-d.

Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...

Girl (on thirteenth birthday): Ma, why did papa leave?

Mother: Well, it started exactly 1 year and 189 days ago...

Are you a red light? Because I stop every time I see you.

You know what pun is used for "waist?"

Nothing. You'll find nothing.

It's just a waste of time.

I have a daily routine where I take a crap every morning at 6 AM, but wake up at 7 AM. And it's not even a joke.

A guy told a beautiful girl, "Hey, I want to make love to you. If I throw $2000 when you go to pick it up, that's when I'll go. Is that okay?"

She called her husband, and he said, "Okay, but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down."

Four hours later, she shows up to her house and tells her husband, "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS!"

Bully: I wouldn't bother wasting my time on a shit person like you.

Me: At least I have a brain unlike you.

Bully: Well at least I have a mom unlike you.

Me: Well your mom is so fat that she got stuck in her car and started bleeding Nutella?

Bully: How would you know that?

Me: Because she told me herself.

Bully: How exactly?

Me: She's on the phone right now.

Phone: *High pitched animal noises*

Me: Told you so!

There was one girl. She met 5000 guys. She had sex with each of them seven times. She became... - flip screen (=).

One time I walked into a room and I saw a man and a dwarf, and I soon found out that the man was the dwarf's father, and I noticed that the dwarf really looked up to him.

Roses are red, lemons are sour.

Open your legs and give me an hour.

I did phone sex, but I'll never do it again because last time my penis got stuck in the charging cord.

You guys, this is my last time publishing something here. You guys have been sending rude comments, and I need to work on my mental health. Goodbye.

"I've only been ripped off twice in my life. The first time was when I ordered three kebabs and they only delivered two. The second time was when we signed Cristiano Ronaldo."

-Al Nassr owner

May.

What do you call a Muslim with Tourette’s? A ticcing time bomb.

How are this joke and the kid with cancer alike?

It never gets old.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent!

Me: What's the difference between me and my grandpa?

Friends: What?

Me: I've been alive for the past 14 years.

Jokes about menstruation are never funny, period!