Time jokes
My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.
What did mommy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web.
Now it's time to make fun of Asians.
What do you call an Asian eating jelly? Yellow Jell-O.
Who are the fastest readers?
9/11 victims, they did 98 stories in 10 seconds.
Why was 10 scared?
Because it was in the middle of 9 and 11.
What’s the opposite of Stephen Hawking? Stephen walking.
What’s the best part of having sex with a pregnant woman?
You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.
What time do babies get dirty?
Playtime.
You know what pun is used for "waist?"
Nothing. You'll find nothing.
It's just a waste of time.
Are you a red light? Because I stop every time I see you.
Girl (on thirteenth birthday): Ma, why did papa leave?
Mother: Well, it started exactly 1 year and 189 days ago...
Q. What's the difference between a baby and a bale of straw?
A. I got arrested last time I speared a baby with a pitchfork.
A guy told a beautiful girl, "Hey, I want to make love to you. If I throw $2000 when you go to pick it up, that's when I'll go. Is that okay?"
She called her husband, and he said, "Okay, but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down."
Four hours later, she shows up to her house and tells her husband, "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS!"
Bully: I wouldn't bother wasting my time on a shit person like you.
Me: At least I have a brain unlike you.
Bully: Well at least I have a mom unlike you.
Me: Well your mom is so fat that she got stuck in her car and started bleeding Nutella?
Bully: How would you know that?
Me: Because she told me herself.
Bully: How exactly?
Me: She's on the phone right now.
Phone: *High pitched animal noises*
Me: Told you so!
There was one girl. She met 5000 guys. She had sex with each of them seven times. She became... - flip screen (=).
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money, and he asks the bartender what's up with that jar of money.
Bartender says you gotta do 3 tasks. He takes the shot of Jack, and the customer says, "What are the tasks?" He says, "The 1st one is, well the 1st 1 is, I got about a 12' gator in the back that's got a bad tooth, and you gotta pull it." He says, "All right, what's the 2nd 1?" He said, "I got a big old girl upstairs that ain't had no loving in a long time, you gotta make her smile." He takes another shot of Jack. He said, "All right, what's the 3rd 1?" He said, "You see that horse outside, you gotta make him laugh and cry."
Guy goes upstairs, goes out back, comes out to the front, comes back in. The other customer said, "Give him the jar." The guy says, "I took care of that lady's tooth, and I made that alligator smile."
"Well how'd you make the horse laugh?" he said. "Easy, I told him I had a bigger deck then him."
Bartender says, "How did you make him cry?" He said, "Easy, I showed him."
One time I walked into a room and I saw a man and a dwarf, and I soon found out that the man was the dwarf's father, and I noticed that the dwarf really looked up to him.
Roses are red, lemons are sour.
Open your legs and give me an hour.
I did phone sex, but I'll never do it again because last time my penis got stuck in the charging cord.
What do you call someone who gets killed at 12 o'clock on New Year's? First kill of the match.