Time jokes

I hate people that hate life.

Me at the same time: Is cutting self at night.

*hides scars* *acts like I'm fine* hehe

Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...

I must have at least 87 years of bad luck; every time I look in the mirror, it breaks!

The only time that cows will make noise is when they are in the moooo-d.

Are you a red light? Because I stop every time I see you.

I have a daily routine where I take a crap every morning at 6 AM, but wake up at 7 AM. And it's not even a joke.

You know what pun is used for "waist?"

Nothing. You'll find nothing.

It's just a waste of time.

What do you get when you cross a belt and a watch?

A waist of time.

Girl (on thirteenth birthday): Ma, why did papa leave?

Mother: Well, it started exactly 1 year and 189 days ago...

Why does Joe only have 264 days in his calendar?

Because he can't celebrate Father's Day.

Life is like a box of chocolates; it doesn’t last long for people.

A guy told a beautiful girl, "Hey, I want to make love to you. If I throw $2000 when you go to pick it up, that's when I'll go. Is that okay?"

She called her husband, and he said, "Okay, but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down."

Four hours later, she shows up to her house and tells her husband, "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS!"

Bully: I wouldn't bother wasting my time on a shit person like you.

Me: At least I have a brain unlike you.

Bully: Well at least I have a mom unlike you.

Me: Well your mom is so fat that she got stuck in her car and started bleeding Nutella?

Bully: How would you know that?

Me: Because she told me herself.

Bully: How exactly?

Me: She's on the phone right now.

Phone: *High pitched animal noises*

Me: Told you so!

There was one girl. She met 5000 guys. She had sex with each of them seven times. She became... - flip screen (=).

One time I walked into a room and I saw a man and a dwarf, and I soon found out that the man was the dwarf's father, and I noticed that the dwarf really looked up to him.

Roses are red, lemons are sour.

Open your legs and give me an hour.

I did phone sex, but I'll never do it again because last time my penis got stuck in the charging cord.

May.

You guys, this is my last time publishing something here. You guys have been sending rude comments, and I need to work on my mental health. Goodbye.

"I've only been ripped off twice in my life. The first time was when I ordered three kebabs and they only delivered two. The second time was when we signed Cristiano Ronaldo."

-Al Nassr owner