Time jokes

Once upon a time... Chuck Norris stepped on a Lego. R.I.P. the Lego piece.

Kenny is a comfort snacker.

Every time he's stressed, he eats his mom's pussy.

What did the watch say to the failing watch company?

"You better watch it!"

Me: Help, I'm stuck in a trap.

Friend: What kind?

Me: It's called life. Yeah, I've been trying to get out of it for six years now, it just won't let me go.

Friend: That's not funny..

Me: Yeah? Nor is wanting to die, yet I'm still over here laughing every time I try to.

Friend: I'm calling your mom.

Me: She knows.

Friend: What's she doing to help, then?

Me: She's supposed to help?

Friend: Have you told your dad?

Me: I will when he comes back.

Friend: Where is he?

Me: I don't know, he's been gone for 15 years.

Friend: ....

Me: What?

Friend: Why?

Me: Why what?

Friend: Why would you joke like that?

Me: I was joking..

Friend: I know.

Me: Oh. I didn't know.

Friend:...

Me: Have a nice day, I'll see you tomorrow... Maybe...

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

Every time you feel lucky to have your mother in your life, what should you tell her?

I really hit the mother lode with you!

Wanna go to suicide school, then time travel to Hitler's bunker and ask him to teach you?

What did mommy spider say to baby spider?

You spend too much time on the web.

A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left."

The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"

The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."

Your hairline is so far back that my father couldn't even reach the store in time before it grew!

Why does Joe only have 264 days in his calendar?

Because he can't celebrate Father's Day.

Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?

Doctor: Ten.

Man: Weeks? Months? Days?

Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...

If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.

"Like if u cry everytime."

I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

I would tell you a time travel joke, but you did not like it.

The time is 9:11, time to put your phones on airplane mode.

They say during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the fuck runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

My family is lucky I was born so smart. Every time my Dad is struggling at work, he always turns to me when he needs to get ahead.

I must have at least 87 years of bad luck; every time I look in the mirror, it breaks!