Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...
Time Jokes
I hate people that hate life.
Me at the same time: Is cutting self at night.
*hides scars* *acts like I'm fine* hehe
The only time that cows will make noise is when they are in the moooo-d.
Why are we still fighting in darkness?
"Mission failed, soldier, we will get 'em next time."
You know what pun is used for "waist?"
Nothing. You'll find nothing.
It's just a waste of time.
Are you a red light? Because I stop every time I see you.
I have a daily routine where I take a crap every morning at 6 AM, but wake up at 7 AM. And it's not even a joke.
Girl (on thirteenth birthday): Ma, why did papa leave?
Mother: Well, it started exactly 1 year and 189 days ago...
What did mommy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web.
What’s the opposite of Stephen Hawking? Stephen walking.
Why do Black people not like country music?
Because every time they hear "hoedown," they think their sister got shot.
What’s the best part of having sex with a pregnant woman?
You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.
Why was 10 scared?
Because it was in the middle of 9 and 11.
Now it's time to make fun of Asians.
What do you call an Asian eating jelly? Yellow Jell-O.
Every time you feel lucky to have your mother in your life, what should you tell her?
I really hit the mother lode with you!
What do you get when you cross a belt and a watch?
A waist of time.
What time do babies get dirty?
Playtime.
My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left."
The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"
The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."
Wanna go to suicide school, then time travel to Hitler's bunker and ask him to teach you?
