Time jokes

2 times 4 equals 18?

Why do orphans only have 363 days in the year?

Because they don’t have a Mother's nor Father’s Day.

Why don't Pakis play football? Every time they get a corner, they build a shop.

I wasn't close to my dad when he died.

Which was good. He died during 9/11.

When is the peanut butter due to arrive?

In a Jif.

I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.

Yo mama so fat...

That when she used a jump rope... Every time she jumped caused a giant cataclysm!

You when you face the boss the first time: :)

You when Dark Souls boss music starts playing on the second phase: :(

You when you ask why do you hear boss music: <(

You when the boss goes straight to his final phase after 1 hit:

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The first time I heard your voice, my foreskin fell off.

One time, a man got mad at me because I was hitting on his girlfriend. Like come on, man, it was only a couple of bruises!

If I had two nickels every time PETA parodied a game, I'd have 14.

You're so fat, every time you go in the elevator, it goes down.

What's the second hardest thing in the morning?

The first hardest thing. 🍆

You're so ugly that every time you look up in the sky, God says, "Sorry, can't help you."

My dad owns a countertop store and sometimes he'll barter.

A lot of the time he will take things for granite.

A lot of counter-offers were made.

Me: *finds out my dad's an orphan*

No one:

Literally no one:

Me: Time to make his life hell.😈

One day, a lady and her husband were talking and it was time for dinner. He got up and sat at the dining room table, and the lady brought the plate of food in and she sat it down in front of him. "What's this?" he said. The lady said, "A piece of shit...honey! Want some water to drink?"

Have you seen the Justin meme?

Yeah, the ones that cracked at Fortnite?

Just-in time for deez nuts.

Bruh.

But actually, it's a parody.

Wait, actually?

Parodiesnuts (pair of deez nuts).

Your dad left you 10 years ago and you're 10 years old, so your dad anniversary is today.

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”