Bruise jokes

I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. "What happened to your face?" I asked.

"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.

"Boxing?"

"No, ... hurdles."

Why was Helen Keller's belly button bruised?

Her boyfriend was blind too.

What can change color and get beat up?

You.

Blood is red.

Bruises are blue. I forget the rest... um, I hate you...?

Why do orphans have no bruises?

Because they have no dad to beat them.

What did one snow ❄️ man say to itself? My arm is broken.

My friend said having sex is a lot like your first football game.

You're bloody and bruised, but at least your dad was there.

My little league football debut was a lot like the first time I had sex. I was beaten, bruised, and bloody, but at least my Dad came.

One time, a man got mad at me because I was hitting on his girlfriend. Like come on, man, it was only a couple of bruises!

It was September 10, 2001, when I stayed up watching TV shows.

I woke up late for work at The World Trade Center, but it was burning. I said out loud, "I was late! I'm happy I was late to work! I mean... I could've di-" I was then beaten and bruised by the emergency services.

What is saw and bleeding and covered in bruises?

Your mum.

What do you call a bruised banana?

A school bus full of his kids.

Why are smurfs blue?

Because they get bruises all the time.

It looks like your face was lit on fire and someone tried to extinguish it with a hammer!

What do you say to a woman who is completely beaten up on her face, full of bruises, and has a broken jaw?

"Will you listen now?!??"

Someone asked me, "What are them scars on your arm?" I thought I was playing a violin.

playing irl fruit ninja on my arm.

If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.

If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.

It isn't any of those if it's suicide.

What's both red, white and sometimes purple?

My arms...

My wrists have a different texture pack than the rest of me.