Bruise jokes

My little league football debut was a lot like the first time I had sex. I was beaten, bruised, and bloody, but at least my Dad came.

Why are smurfs blue?

Because they get bruises all the time.

What is saw and bleeding and covered in bruises?

Your mum.

It was September 10, 2001, when I stayed up watching TV shows.

I woke up late for work at The World Trade Center, but it was burning. I said out loud, "I was late! I'm happy I was late to work! I mean... I could've di-" I was then beaten and bruised by the emergency services.

What can change color and get beat up?

You.

Why do orphans have no bruises?

Because they have no dad to beat them.

One time, a man got mad at me because I was hitting on his girlfriend. Like come on, man, it was only a couple of bruises!

What do you say to a woman who is completely beaten up on her face, full of bruises, and has a broken jaw?

"Will you listen now?!??"

What do you call a bruised banana?

A school bus full of his kids.

Why was Helen Keller's belly button bruised?

Her boyfriend was blind too.

What did one snow ❄️ man say to itself? My arm is broken.

It looks like your face was lit on fire and someone tried to extinguish it with a hammer!

Blood is red.

Bruises are blue. I forget the rest... um, I hate you...?

My friend said having sex is a lot like your first football game.

You're bloody and bruised, but at least your dad was there.

Just cut my thumb open with a knife (not a joke).

Is skin picking self-harm?

Cause I'm red all over without a razor.

what's black and red and is a liquid?

my scars!

Bros got barcode arms.

I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. "What happened to your face?" I asked. "I'm a Paralympian," he replied. "Boxing?" "No, ... hurdles."