Tell jokes

A young couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."

A young orphan boy goes to school for the first time. A bigger boy comes and punches him. He says, "What are you gonna do, cry to your mommy?" The boy cries.

Next morning, he wakes up and comes to school. The same thing happens, but the older boy brings his friends. This time, after he says, "You gonna tell your mom?", the little boy says, "Yes, I will tell them that there is company coming over."

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.

How can you tell your best friend is gay?

His meat tastes like shit.

When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

There's a new Viagra and prune juice diet that's out.

Unfortunately, you can't tell if you're coming or going.

Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."

I wanted to tell a joke about Jonestown.

But the punch line is too long.

How do you confuse a blonde?

Tell them to stand in the corner in a round room.

How many people fit in a tree?

I don't know, you tell me.

I noticed my friend's hairline yesterday. I could tell it was a Supercuts hair salon haircut, so how I could tell was 'cuz it was super alright, super lame.

So recently I hit an orphan with a 2x4, and he started crying. What's he gonna do? Tell his family? XD

I was going to tell a joke I made up about my vacuum cleaner, but it sucks.

Tell the person next to you to spell "me." When they do, say, "You forgot the D." They should respond with, "There is no D in ME." You say, "Not yet." If this does not go as planned, well, then you are fucked for life.

My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.

He can tell the future.

It's easy to tell if a skeleton is lying to you because you can see right through them.

What’s the difference between a cancer patient and a British news reporter in the South?

They usually don’t live to tell the tale.

You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.

Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.

You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"