Smoking

Smoking jokes

What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?

Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

Why did my dad cross the road?

To get to the nearest building so he wouldn't die in the crippling smoke of the most terrifying and only terrorist attack on American soil.

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    • What do you call a dude that is always high and gets higher than everyone else in the family? The alpha pothead!

    Can't have a smoke with my girl after sex, she's asthmatic.

    Plus, she's too young to smoke.

    Vape company: Hey, want some lung cancer and a nicotine addiction?

    Teens: NO WAY!

    Vape company: But it’s mango flavored!

    Teens: O OK. 😤

    Last week I felt so high and mighty I thought I could fly. I took one shot, puffed through my pipe, and jumped in the air on a trampoline. I woke up in heaven.

    I asked an angel, "How did I die?"

    "Well, little monkey, you thought your bed was a trampoline and you hit your head. Your mom called the doctor, and the doctor said you were dead."

    I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

    Me: "What are you doing??"

    Bully: "Where's my nan's urn?!?"

    Me: "I don't know."

    Bully: "Tell me!! *says worthless shit*"

    Me: "Next time you're looking for the urn, don't bother, I smoked her ashes. They were so fucking good. I then used a quarter of them as an exfoliator, cleared my acne and eczema btw!! Then built sandcastles with them, then blew them in your family's face after!"

    Don't bully kids.

    One day Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking a cigar. Johnny said, "Can I have a puff?"

    Grandpa said, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

    Johnny said, "No, then that's your answer."

    Later that day, Johnny saw his grandpa drinking a drink. Johnny said, "Can I have a sip?"

    Grandpa said the same thing, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

    Johnny said, "No, then that's your answer."

    Later that night, Johnny was eating some cookies in the kitchen. Grandpa said, "Hi son, can I have a cookie?"

    Johnny said, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

    Grandpa said, "Yes."

    Johnny said, "Good, go fuck yourself!"

    Little Johnny walks out to the garage and sees Dad smoking a cigarette. He asks, "Hey Dad, can I have a puff of that cigarette?" Dad asks, "Well, Johnny, can your dick reach your ass?" Little Johnny scratches his head and thinks about it for a moment. He then replies, "Well, no, Dad, my dick can't reach my ass." His Dad says, "There's your answer, Johnny..." Little Johnny goes back in the house.

    About an hour later, Little Johnny comes back out to the garage and sees his Dad drinking a beer. He asks, "Hey Dad, can I have some of that beer?" Dad asks, "Well, Johnny, can your dick reach your ass?" Little Johnny scratches his head and thinks about it for a moment. He then replies, "Well, no, Dad, my dick can't reach my ass." His Dad says, "There's your answer, Johnny..." Little Johnny goes back in the house.

    About an hour later, Little Johnny comes back out to the garage with a big plate of Tollhouse Chocolate Chip cookies, fresh from the oven. His Dad says, "Wow, Johnny, those sure look like some good cookies. You think I can have some?" Little Johnny asks his Dad, "Well Dad, can your dick reach your ass?" His Dad scratches his head and thinks about it for a moment. He then replies, "Well, yes, Johnny, I do believe my dick can reach my ass." Little Johnny says, "Well, Dad, you can go FUCK yourself, cuz Mom made these cookies for me!!!"

    What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?

    I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!

    If she’s old enough to smoke, She’s old enough to choke.

    If she’s old enough to pee, She’s old enough for me.