Short jokes
Why are there no good Indian actors? Because all the good ones are trying to get your bank details over the phone.
Guy spills milk on me. I say, "It's okay, we all make mistakes sometimes, but apparently your mom made a big one."
I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat.
She said nothing, so I took her to Africa.
Do you know Imagine Dragons?
Yeah.
Imagine dragon my nuts across your face.
What is the first thing the disabled download on iTunes?
"They see me rolling, they hatin'."
What caused Captain Hook's death?
He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.
Did you hear about the cheetah who robbed a bank? He ran away so fast he almost got away with it, but he was spotted.
What starts off fun and ends in bankruptcy?
UNPROTECTED SEX.
You know, most people take rocks for granite... sorry.
Two men walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would've seen it.
Why do tampons have strings? So you can floss your teeth when you’re done eating.
What happens when Stephen Hawking dies?
The Windows shutdown sound plays.
Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tail.
Girls are like rocks, the flat ones get skipped.
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter? -- An envelope.
They have a new line of socks for paraplegics.
They are so comfortable they can't even feel them.
Most people are scared of clowns. That's why everyone runs away from you.
A lot of people ask why I only make jokes about Paul Walker and no one else.
Because they didn’t have as big of an impact as him.
What game did Al-Qaeda play with the Twin Towers on September 11th, 2001? Jenga.