Short jokes
Why aren't emos and trees friends? Because the tree leaves them hanging.
I either want to hang, stab, or shoot myself. I'm dying to choose.
It’s really hard to maintain a good body lately, unless you put it in a freezer.
How did the gay girl die? Homicide.
What do you call a Chinese person with no legs?
Lim Ping.
Don't pick flat chests because they will turn their backs on you twice.
Mum: If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?
Me: Oh yeah, no doubt my friend wouldn't even have to jump first.
Crappy joke warning: How does Spongebob have fun? He smokes seaweed.
Yo mama is so fat, that when I unfollowed her on Instagram, my phone got 1 GB of storage.
I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.
The depressed kid went to give a tree a high five...
...but it left him hanging.
When the school shooter misses you, but you gotta play it off.
😐😑
A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.
"Was it hung?" her friend asks.
"No, he was shot."
Men: "I like dogs."
Women: "I like cats."
Chinese: "Food is food."
Me: Mom, would you get mad at me for something I didn't do?
Mom: No.
Me: Ok, good. I didn't do my homework.
So my dad said to me and my sister, "Don't fight," but did he mean "fist fight" or "yelling fight?"
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will let it go.
When Santa asks you what you want for Christmas, then says "ho ho ho," say, "Yes, please."
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
Suicide is just self-defense. You're killing the person that tried to kill you.