Short jokes
What did me and my uncle call hide and seek? Naked and afraid.
My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.
Quiet kid: "I'm home!"
Parents: "What did you learn at school today?"
Quiet kid: "I've learned that I've had enough!"
My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"
What do a fisherman and a prostitute have in common?
They're both hookers.
Looks like I lost an electron, I should keep a better ion them.
Bf: What do you think about our love?
Gf: Count the stars in the sky.
Bf: Aww, it's infinity.
Gf: Nope, just a waste of time.
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.
What do you call a bad amputation?
A rip-off.
So, you wanna hear a joke about the wall?
... Actually, nah, you won't get over it.
"what's that on your wrist?"
"I'm a cutting board. duh"
It's all fun and games until someone fails at becoming Superman.
I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.
What are the differences between Santa and Joe Biden?
The kids actually want to sit on Santa’s lap.
Whoever took my anti-depressant pills,
I hope you're fucking happy.
Why do orphans go to the ancient pyramids for vacation?
In hope to find a mummy.
My dad just comes and goes.
Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.
Why didn't anyone react when the king farted? -- It was a noble gas.