Short jokes

Soldiers, there is one thing you can be sure of: You will be at home with your families, in a jar on the mantelpiece.

And Mary said God had given her a child, so Joseph went and joined Fathers For Justice.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like an apple.

A guy walks to his friend's house. His friend says, "Where is your girlfriend?" The guy says, "Meet me at the cemetery in a week."

Edward Scissorhands: Why is it that every time I touch someone, they get offended?

Kids: Because you're a psycho path.

Can [I] ask your sister how you are going for Christmas? And [to clarify,] I have internet.

Ariana Grande was in the store, and when she put her groceries on the counter, she said, "Thank you, next!"

It's quite ironic that people tell you "Happy Birthday," then they want to give you a spanking.

Why was the piano waiting at the front door?

Because it forgot which key to use!

There are times I miss you, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body.

What do you call a dinosaur with a cowboy hat and cowboy boots?

A Tyrannosaurus Tex.

My friend is gonna release an air strike. There has to be at least 20 confirmed toilet kills.

Why does an orphan cry on Thanksgiving?

Family gathering.

What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They're both meat substitutes.

I'm so confused. Who is Gwen? The only Gwen I can think of is the one from Spiderman. 😂

What do old people have when they are sick.

A going away party.

Person: Bro, you have a bad and stupid life.

Me: Yeah, it was all good till you were here!

Person: WTF!

What do whales use to rub out a mistake in their homework? Their blubber.

Do you have a sunburn, or are you just always this hot?

Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.