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A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordon Ramsay's F-king cooking show!

Husband: "Stop watching that f-king sh*t! You can't cook to save your life!"

Wife: "So what?! You watch porn, don't you?!"

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    • A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

  • 6

    • Son: Yo dawg, tell me a story.

    Dad: Y'all motherfuckers ain't gon' believe dis shit, so there was dis fairy aight, she had wings, so she flys into a KFC, and comes out with wings, chicken wings.

    Also, why did Hawking try to walk across the road? His wheelchair only goes 1 mph, so he got hit by a bus.

  • 1

    • Ex-girlfriend: "I can smell fish."

    Ex-boyfriend: "I can smell shit."

    Ex-boyfriend: "Well, how many boys swam down there?"

    Ex-girlfriend: "20!"

    Fish: "It wasn't me. I don't swim around mistakes."

    Your mama so ugly, when Santa Claus came to her house and saw her, he said, "HO HO HOLY SHIT THAT'S ONE UGLY BITCH!"

    I was driving through a neighborhood when I saw a sign that said "Autistic Child Zone." Then I thought to myself, "Oh shit, that wasn't a dog!"

  • 1

    • Christopher Columbus: *Sees native Americans* Can I see your land?

    Native Americans: Sure, just be care..........

    Christopher Columbus: Boonk gang whole lot of gang shit.

  • 0

    • Yo mama so fat, when Santa Claus went down the chimney, he said, "Ho, ho, hooooly sh*t!"

    A 14 year old girl was walking back home late at night, then a man was following her. An hour later, she got back home not only had she lost the stranger, but also her virginity.

    What's the difference between a black & a white fairy tale? White begins, "Once upon a time..." Black begins, "Y'all mutherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit."

    Today, there was a big test for Little Timmy. During the test, Timmy had to take a really huge shit. So, he rushed to the bathroom. He took a while in there.

    When he was done, he realized there was no more toilet paper left. Since there was nothing around him to use, the only thing he could do was wipe with his hand. His time in the bathroom was up, and he needed to finish that test! He didn’t have time to wash his hands. So, he hurried back. The problem was, the hand he wiped with was his right hand. He used his left hand to complete the test, which made him fail. When he got home, his mother was standing there crossing her arms. “Timmy, the teacher had called and said you wrote sloppy on your test. Why is that?” Timmy replied, “Oh, it’s because I caught a leprechaun with my right hand, but if I opened it, my classmates would scare him away, so I had to use my left.” Timmy’s mother glared at him with disbelief. “Timmy, I don’t believe you. Now open your hand!” Timmy did so and opened his hand. “See, mother? I said you’d scare the shit out of him!”

  • 3

    • Hookers are like drive-thrus; you tell them what you want, pay for your stuff, and leave.

    Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!

    Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.

    Two mates walk into a bar.

    Mate 1: "Shit! Look at that spider over there!"

    Mate 2: "Whateverrrrrrr."

    Mate 1: "No, seriously, it's bloody massive!"

    Mate 2: "(Turns around) Shit, that's huge, I thought you were joking."

    Mate 1: "No, I'm Fred King, Jo King's brother ;-)"

    "Roses are red. Violets are red. My parents' bed is red. Oh shit, I set the house on fire!"