Shit Jokes

Ex-girlfriend: "I can smell fish."

Ex-boyfriend: "I can smell shit."

Ex-boyfriend: "Well, how many boys swam down there?"

Ex-girlfriend: "20!"

Fish: "It wasn't me. I don't swim around mistakes."

I fucked the shit outta of my friend's mom with my 8 inch dick (Adrian). PS. Sorry, Adrian!

Your mama so ugly, when Santa Claus came to her house and saw her, he said, "HO HO HOLY SHIT THAT'S ONE UGLY BITCH!"

Why does shit come out your asshole? Cause fuck you, that's why.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

Why did the liberal cross the road?

(Ah, fuck this shit, I'm gonna kill myself!)

I was driving through a neighborhood when I saw a sign that said "Autistic Child Zone." Then I thought to myself, "Oh shit, that wasn't a dog!"

Christopher Columbus: *Sees native Americans* Can I see your land?

Native Americans: Sure, just be care..........

Christopher Columbus: Boonk gang whole lot of gang shit.

Yo mama so fat, when Santa Claus went down the chimney, he said, "Ho, ho, hooooly sh*t!"

A 14 year old girl was walking back home late at night, then a man was following her. An hour later, she got back home not only had she lost the stranger, but also her virginity.

What's the difference between a black & a white fairy tale? White begins, "Once upon a time..." Black begins, "Y'all mutherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit."

Today, there was a big test for Little Timmy. During the test, Timmy had to take a really huge shit. So, he rushed to the bathroom. He took a while in there.

When he was done, he realized there was no more toilet paper left. Since there was nothing around him to use, the only thing he could do was wipe with his hand. His time in the bathroom was up, and he needed to finish that test! He didn’t have time to wash his hands. So, he hurried back. The problem was, the hand he wiped with was his right hand. He used his left hand to complete the test, which made him fail. When he got home, his mother was standing there crossing her arms. “Timmy, the teacher had called and said you wrote sloppy on your test. Why is that?” Timmy replied, “Oh, it’s because I caught a leprechaun with my right hand, but if I opened it, my classmates would scare him away, so I had to use my left.” Timmy’s mother glared at him with disbelief. “Timmy, I don’t believe you. Now open your hand!” Timmy did so and opened his hand. “See, mother? I said you’d scare the shit out of him!”

Hookers are like drive-thrus; you tell them what you want, pay for your stuff, and leave.

Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!

Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.

Two mates walk into a bar.

Mate 1: "Shit! Look at that spider over there!"

Mate 2: "Whateverrrrrrr."

Mate 1: "No, seriously, it's bloody massive!"

Mate 2: "(Turns around) Shit, that's huge, I thought you were joking."

Mate 1: "No, I'm Fred King, Jo King's brother ;-)"

"Roses are red. Violets are red. My parents' bed is red. Oh shit, I set the house on fire!"

Q: What did Tim say when his girlfriend fell down a rabbit hole?

A: Hole-y shit!

What did one gay guy say to the other when they were packing for a trip?

"Want me to pack your shit?"

If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me....

What did the condom say when he came out of a gay guy's asshole?

He said, "Fuck this shit!"