Shit jokes
Johnny was watching TV when he heard them say "bitch" and "bastard," so he asked his dad, "What is a bitch and bastard?"
Dad said, "A bitch is a female, and a bastard is a male."
Then Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "ass" and "shit," so he asks his dad what "shit" and "ass" means. Dad says, "A shit is shaving cream, like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat. Why don't you bug your mom?"
So Johnny goes back to the TV, and then they say "fuck," so Johnny asks his mom what "fuck" means. Mom says, "Fuck means carving, like doing to the turkey." Then a few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door, so he answers it. He then says, "Welcome, bitch and bastard, may I tack your ass?" The people then ask where his parents are. Johnny says, "My dad is putting shit on his face, and my mom is fucking the turkey."
When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye, but when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, suddenly people lose their shit?
What's harder than taking a shit?
Trying to take a shit while constipated!
So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"
At my most fear, I shit my pants.
Women are like rolls of toilet paper. They are either really cheap or expensive, you use them a lot, and they deal with a lot of sh*t.
How old are you...? I don’t give a shit, stfu and get in ma van.
“NO NO NO”
I’ll give you some candy.
“Oh ok🤩”
Is crummy bears alright??
I am having a shit and there[sic] nothing else to read.
Never trust a donkey; they are always full of shit.
Stop saying negative shit about dark humor jokes! If it bugs you that bad, then go away! That'll solve everything but world hunger and failed abortion.
What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?
When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.
What do you call a swearing piece of shit?
Cus-turd.
I wonder if Stephen Hawking heard the song "Gangster's Paradise." Oh, shit, he can't!
Why are women like diapers?
They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.
Me: God, Bryce, do we really have to talk about this again?
Bryce: What?
Me: You're still talking shit!! I already told you! It's 9 inches! Stop saying it's 3!
P.S. I'm a girl.
A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."
Knock knock. Who's there? You... You who? You smell like shit!
How is Stephen Hawking dead?
His Windows shit down.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Your mom.
Your mom who?
O shit, my mom's home! Honey, get the f*** out of my house!
A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordon Ramsay's F-king cooking show!
Husband: "Stop watching that f-king sh*t! You can't cook to save your life!"
Wife: "So what?! You watch porn, don't you?!"