Nothing Jokes

Madison R.

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

Anonymous

Straight people ask why gays have such a good fashion sense. Baby we didn’t spend all that time in the closet for nothing.

9
Anonymous

There’s nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

Zane

Rules of Dark humor:

  1. All subject matter can be used, nothing is off limits.
  2. No saying “Me” or “My Life” as a joke. Nobody finds those funny. We want actual good and meaningful jokes.
  3. Don’t Repeat Previously Posted Jokes. If you are saying the same joke that the person right before you posted you are just begging for attention and nobody by any means likes that. I will add more in the future and be frequent on this site.
  • Sincerely, Zane
Anonymous

Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin

Anonymous

3 nuns are talking and the first nun says, “u would never believe what i discovered.” intrigued, the other to signal her to continue. " i found a phone in the priests room." said the first nun. “oh thats nothing said the second one, i found condoms in one of his drawers.” said the second one. " what did u do with them." said the first nun. pridefully the second nun responds with," i poked holes in all of them." and the third nun says, “oh sh*t…”

7
Alsender Miller
in Depression

“Boom, quick; you have five seconds to give me three reasons to live.” “1…2…3 ……4…5…” Did you noticed you said nothing at all?

Anonymous
in Puns

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

5
Anonymous
in Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him. So he tracked down nothing and killed it.

1
Anonymous

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?

Nothing.

2
Mechanical Manic

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.” The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, “Jesus is watching you.” The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, “Are you the one who’s been talking to me?” The parrot responds, “Yes.” The thief couldn’t believe it. So, he asks another question. “What is your name?” “Ismael.” the parrot replies. The man scoffed. “What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?” The parrot speaks yet again, “The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus.”

Anonymous

I spy with my little eye nothing because I only have two normal sized eyes.

0
Jesse

A girl noticed hair growing between her legs and asked her mom about it. Her mom said it was her monkey and it grows hair.so she told her sister and her sister said that aint nothing mines already eating bananas

in Priest

A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him “What are you doing?!” Exclaims the priest

“There is nothing on this Earth for me.” The Muslim says “I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!”

The priest shakes his head

“Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!” He says

“Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school.”

Anonymous
in Depression

Q: What did the drunk emo say to the bartender? A: Nothing! He was hung over.

1
amypetnamedsteve
in Puns

what did one ocean say to the other ocean? nothing, they just WAVED. can you SEA what i did there? im SHORE you did. Why are you so SALTY? dont be a BEACH.

What’s the difference between your girlfriend and sister ? Nothing if your from Alabama

Anonymous

whats the difference between my thighs and my eyebrows?

nothing i slit both of them

N
in Puns

Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.

1
The Galactic Gamer
in Depression

You can’t be a loser if you have nothing to lose.