She jokes
Anybody know a girl named Candice? She just added me on snap.
Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"
She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"
"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."
Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."
Yo mama so fat, she ate McDonald's!
Why did Shelley fall off the swing? She had no arms.
Why did little Susie fall off the swing?
Because she has no arms or legs.
Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
Not Susie.
A girl and dog get dropped off at an orphanage. Why was she crying before she went in? Because the people came back for their dog!
I dated a furry once.
The relationship didn't work out, she was a cheetah.
So, we are in class right, and the teacher has a metal leg. Every year she gets the question of, "Do metal detectors beep every time you walk by them?" She heard this question to the point where she just says yes without hesitation.
Once she had said yes, two kids in the back started laughing.
Teacher: Ok alright, take it a little bit more seriously would you?
Kid: Oh, we're not laughing at that.
Kid_2: We're laughing at cancer.
How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
She chews before she swallows.
My girl walks in the room in nude mode and sat on my dick. I said, "What up, your pussy?" She said, "Your dick."
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Not Susie.
There is a young lady.
She is beautiful.
She got much vote.
But she speaks very fast.
Does she think she looks smart doing that?
She makes me feel bad.
I was watching the news and heard a segment about a blind hooker who got stabbed 40 times.
At least she didn't see it coming.
Jack and Jill went up to an abandoned house.
Jack drank too much and unzipped his fly. Jack said, "You know you wanna." Jill said, "No." So Jack locked both of them in the house and put a gag in Jill's mouth, tied her to a bed. He ripped off her dress and underwear. He took off his pants and his underwear too, then put on a condom. He then put a pill in her mouth and made her swallow. One minute later she was asleep. He took off her gag and mounted himself on her, then stuck his "candystick" in her mouth, next her fanny. Then his condom broke, but he was too drunk to notice. Nine months later a baby's born and Jack's in jail as the father.
I once told Siri, "Hey Siri, why am I still single?" She opened the front camera.
So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"
The granddaughter wanted to see granny. She killed herself.
My girlfriend's pregnant. I'm 13. She was raped.
I believe in a woman's right to choose...
...whether she wants to cook first and then clean or clean first and then cook.
Yo mama so fat, when she got ran over, the van did a 360 flip to Mars!