Sex jokes

Little Johnny walked in on his mom in the shower and said, "What's that on your chest, Mom?" Mom said, "Those are my headlights." Johnny: "Oh. What's that in between your legs, Mom?" Mom: "Oh, that's my bush." Johnny: "Oh, OK." Next, he walked in on his dad in the shower. He said, "Dad, what's that in between your legs?" Dad: "Oh, that's my snake." Johnny: "Oh, OK." That night, little Johnny walks in on his parents going at it and said, "Mom, turn on his headlights, there's a snake going in your bush!"

Susie was in her mother's room one night, as her mother was getting ready for bed. She had slipped off her blouse; her boobs, plum and perky. Susie had asked what are those and will I get them? Her mother had said they were boobs and she would grow some in a few years. Her mother told Susie to find her father and say goodnight.

So Susie left, headed down the hall to the bathroom where her father was showering. Susie knocked on the door, he said come in. He had moved the shower curtain over just a bit. Susie said she loved him, and then seen her father's dick. Shocked, Susie asked her father what that was and if she would get one. Her father said it was a dick, and he said Susie would get it after her mother went to bed.

What does a blowjob and a bonus check have in common?

Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

What does gum in my d*ck have in common?

Both get chewed on by little kids.

My wife told me to contact more of my feminine side.

I crashed the car and fucked my trainer.

F*ck me!

There are 206 bones in the human body, but I’d really like to have 207.

Roses are red, violets are blue, she's only red bc she sucked you.

Two boys were at a lake, and they went to a bush and saw a naked lady.

One ran away, the other one followed the one who ran and asked why he ran. The boy answered, "My mum told me if I saw a naked lady I would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something get hard."

Are you the twin towers?

Because I want to crash inside of you.

A kid named Timmy said to his dad that he had sex with his teacher, and his dad was proud of him and gave him a bike.

The kid said, "I can't use it; my butt hurts!"

Who is the definition of a natural-born cocksucker?

A bisexual male, a homosexual male, a bisexual female, or a heterosexual female?

A physically disabled heterosexual male.

Which one would be better to fuck, a fat bitch or a skinny bitch?

How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

Why did the blonde have sex with a Mexican?

Her teacher told her that she had to do an essay.

My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.

What is the difference between a woman and my fridge?

Only one moans when I put my meat in it.

What did The Rock say to his dad?

"I'm gonna Rock Bottom my cock down your throat!"

What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They're both meat substitutes.