Sex Jokes

Why do pedophiles always lose a race?

Because they come in a little behind.

I heard you were looking for a stud...

I already have the STD; all I need is you.

Roses are red, lemons are sour, spread your legs, give me an hour!

You're gay.

Bro, I am straighter than the pole that your mom dances on for me every night.

My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."

I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."

A picture of Elsa from the movie Frozen looking up with an amused expression. The text says: "You know smashing Elsa would be fire cuz if she creamin' that shit just turn into ice cream, bro."

What do you call getting gonorrhea from a disabled person?

A slow clap.

I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl.

Momma always told me to eat my vegetables.

What is the worst part about siblings having sex?

Being left out.

I looked up how fast cum shoots and it said 28 mph. That means that ejaculation is illegal in school zones!

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

"Don't worry, you can keep the tip."

My shirt is only red when I think about sex.

Most embarrassing moment during sex, GO!

James Arnold: My grandma walked in while I was knife raping my wife.

What's the difference between pussy and pizza... nothing because I'll eat them both.

So I was eating this girl out the other day, and I GOT AIDS. How does a 9-year-old give me AIDS? I guess my sister was hanging around the wrong crowd.

A mom and her son are taking a walk when they pass a homeless man fapping. The boy asks, "What is that man doing?" The mom says, "Making pizza," trying to turn him away.

The son sees a dog fucking another dog and he asks the same thing. She says, "Making extra cheese." When they pass a window and see a couple doing it, he asks the same thing. She says, "Ordering the pizza."

Later that day, the mother says to the father, "I think I want to order some pizza with extra cheese tonight, don't know why that sounds good."

So that night, the husband who was watching tv yelled up the stairs, "Wanna order some pizza!?"

The mother replied, "DON'T WORRY I'M MAKING SOME!"

The son's voice followed, "I'M ADDING EXTRA CHEESE!"

How do men like their women? Striped.

How does a priest like their children? Clean.

Why are most orphans strippers? They want to call someone mommy or daddy.

What is the difference between a stripper and candy? None. But they like it when you take the wrapper off.

Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."

The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.

The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.

The third lady says, "I never had a husband."

The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."

They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.

The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."

"How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"