Sex jokes

F*ck me!

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

What does a blowjob and a bonus check have in common?

Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

Roses are red, violets are blue, she's only red bc she sucked you.

There are 206 bones in the human body, but I’d really like to have 207.

Who is the definition of a natural-born cocksucker?

A bisexual male, a homosexual male, a bisexual female, or a heterosexual female?

A physically disabled heterosexual male.

A kid named Timmy said to his dad that he had sex with his teacher, and his dad was proud of him and gave him a bike.

The kid said, "I can't use it; my butt hurts!"

How do you trick a homophobic heterosexual male that is a Roman Catholic priest into using the glory hole inside the men's restroom at a gay bar?

Tell him that it is a confessional booth.

What's the hardest thing when working with the severely mentally handicapped?

My dick.

What does gum in my d*ck have in common?

Both get chewed on by little kids.

My wife told me to contact more of my feminine side.

I crashed the car and fucked my trainer.

How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

Which one would be better to fuck, a fat bitch or a skinny bitch?

I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend, so I fucked her. Turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about.

And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her, but this time it was her identical triplet. There are 3 of them...

AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!

Why do men like big tits and a flat ass?

Because they got little dicks and big mouths.

I woke up to my daughter riding me in bed. I asked, "What are you doing?" She replied, "Making a Creampie."

What's the difference between a porn star and a mosquito?

One stops sucking when you smack it.

Husband: "Honey, I just bought these special Olympic-style condoms!"

Wife: "Olympic-style condoms? What makes them so special?"

Husband: "They come in three colors: gold, silver, and bronze."

Wife: "Ooh, sweet. What color are you going to wear tonight?"

Husband: "Gold, of course!"

Wife: "Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."

Hi, welcome to David’s sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?

Sam and Amya like anal sex with each other.