Sex jokes

What do a stripper and a coconut have in common? They both have a creamy center.

Police Report: Looking for a female, light brown hair, blue eyes, freckles, and a small scar on her right check.

Last seen on CCTV wearing see-through bottoms, a pink top, and a vibrating dildo hanging out of her arse. If you find this woman, please get her to charge the dildo for excessive fun.

In 2013, it was reported that China has lost around 28,000 rivers; over half of what they thought existed. Some say climate change is the cause, others say it’s their harsh, economic expansion that’s unapologetic to the environment.

My theory is that those 28,000 rivers were sold to underground river-sex trafficking.

Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her... so I said yes.

Why do pedophiles always lose a race?

Because they come in a little behind.

I heard you were looking for a stud...

I already have the STD; all I need is you.

Roses are red, lemons are sour, spread your legs, give me an hour!

My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."

I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."

What do you call getting gonorrhea from a disabled person?

A slow clap.

I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl.

Momma always told me to eat my vegetables.

What is the worst part about siblings having sex?

Being left out.

You're gay.

Bro, I am straighter than the pole that your mom dances on for me every night.

I looked up how fast cum shoots and it said 28 mph. That means that ejaculation is illegal in school zones!

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

"Don't worry, you can keep the tip."

My shirt is only red when I think about sex.

Most embarrassing moment during sex, GO!

James Arnold: My grandma walked in while I was knife raping my wife.

What's the difference between pussy and pizza... nothing because I'll eat them both.

So I was eating this girl out the other day, and I GOT AIDS. How does a 9-year-old give me AIDS? I guess my sister was hanging around the wrong crowd.

Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."

The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.

The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.

The third lady says, "I never had a husband."

The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."

They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.

The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."

"How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"

A mom and her son are taking a walk when they pass a homeless man fapping. The boy asks, "What is that man doing?" The mom says, "Making pizza," trying to turn him away.

The son sees a dog fucking another dog and he asks the same thing. She says, "Making extra cheese." When they pass a window and see a couple doing it, he asks the same thing. She says, "Ordering the pizza."

Later that day, the mother says to the father, "I think I want to order some pizza with extra cheese tonight, don't know why that sounds good."

So that night, the husband who was watching tv yelled up the stairs, "Wanna order some pizza!?"

The mother replied, "DON'T WORRY I'M MAKING SOME!"

The son's voice followed, "I'M ADDING EXTRA CHEESE!"