Sex jokes

My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.

What is the difference between a woman and my fridge?

Only one moans when I put my meat in it.

My wife told me to contact more of my feminine side.

I crashed the car and fucked my trainer.

How do you trick a homophobic heterosexual male that is a Roman Catholic priest into using the glory hole inside the men's restroom at a gay bar?

Tell him that it is a confessional booth.

What's the hardest thing when working with the severely mentally handicapped?

My dick.

What do sex and food have in common?

Grandma makes both better.

What is the difference between hungry and horny?

The cucumber goes to different places.

There are 206 bones in the human body, but I’d really like to have 207.

Q: What did the porn actress say when she opened the door?

A: Make sure to come upstairs!

F*ck me!

What does gum in my d*ck have in common?

Both get chewed on by little kids.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

What does a blowjob and a bonus check have in common?

Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

What's the difference between your mom and a laundromat washer?

The washer doesn't take loads for free.

I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend, so I fucked her. Turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about.

And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her, but this time it was her identical triplet. There are 3 of them...

AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!

I woke up to my daughter riding me in bed. I asked, "What are you doing?" She replied, "Making a Creampie."

What's the difference between a porn star and a mosquito?

One stops sucking when you smack it.

Hi, welcome to David’s sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?

What's the difference between a screw and a hooker? You can't unscrew the hooker.

Why did the condom cross the road?

Because he was pissed off.