Sex jokes
Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.
Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.
After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."
Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.
Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"
Are you a haunted house?
Cuz I am gonna be screaming when I come inside you.
When they walk in and you're fucking... everyone at the morgue.
What do you call three people in a dark room? A porno.
What's long, hard, and has cum in it?
A cuCUMber.
"Popcorn" means "Photo-Oxidant formation by Plant-emitted Compounds and OH Radicals in Northeastern Germany."
"HO" means a woman, in particular one who has many casual sexual encounters or relationships. So basically, popcorn is a woman in plant based sex encountered a lot in a nazi camp.
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. “Oh, Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”
Saw (DYM 69).
Blonde: Can I suck you off? (has STDs on mouth)
Me: Naw (drake turn/dab)
There are only two genders.
What do boobs and toys have in common?
Kids end up playing with toys, but adults end up playing with boobs.
How to give a good hand job?
Bop it. Pull it. Twist it. Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger. You put your left hand in. You put your left hand out. You put your left hand in and shake it all about.
None of you ever touch my penis.
Bad handjobs are rare. They’re hard to come by.
I asked my daddy what sex was. He said, "Wanna cum and try it?"
An orphan walks on a path asking for his mum. Soon he remembers he doesn't have a mum.
(Also, I had sex with ur mum. She was screaming "daddy~")
How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
She chews before she swallows.
I was ridin' your mom like she was Mario Kart!
My mom told me to go to bed, but then I grabbed a drink and went in their room to say goodnight, and they looked like Adam and Eve on steroids!
What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both meat substitutes.
Jack fucked Jill's pussy till it stopped functioning.