Sex jokes
Why is my pee pee 2 inches in length but 5 in girth?
Roses are red, lemons are sour, open your legs and give me an hour.
She'd suck my dick and let me suck her tits.
What STD can you get from phone sex?
Hearing AIDS.
Little Johnny once was at a camp and asked his teacher if he could sleep with her because he was homesick, so the teacher said yes. A few seconds later, Little Johnny asked if he could run his finger in her bellybutton, and she said yes.
A few seconds later, she moaned and felt so good, but it was not his finger putting it down her bellybutton; it was his dick and her penis.
I'm so bored and miserable, that I have sex with my inflatable girlfriend every night.
The best part? She don't talk back.
I've been taking Viagras for sunburn.
It keeps the sheets off my bed at night!
My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.
What did Joe say when he saw his girlfriend sleeping with his sister?
Nothing, he just started wanking.
I had sex, but ended up going "uuyaahh!"
What starts off fun and ends in bankruptcy?
UNPROTECTED SEX.
I was having sex with my girl, and she said she likes it rough, so I socked her in the face.
Why do vegans use blowjobs?
Because they can’t take real meat.
Really bad penis joke.
What does the sign say on the hooker house after they were on lockdown?
Answer: "We're on lockdown, get lost pervert."
What’s the difference between anal sex and vegetables? One is cruel to the person getting it in, the other is vegetables.
What’s the hardest bit about having anal sex?
Repeatedly getting a cock shoved in your arse🤣
So, a mom and a dad are having sex. Their daughter comes down and says, "Mommy, Mommy, what are you doing?"
The mom goes, "Uh, we're making a cake. Let's go back to bed." So she tucks her daughter in and says, "We will go to the park tomorrow."
So the next day they go to the park, and two teens are going at it in some bushes, and the little girl goes, "Mommy, Mommy, what are they doing?" And the mom goes, "They're making a cake. Let's go back home."
So they go home, and the mom tucked her into bed and says, "Tomorrow we will go to the zoo." And so the next day they go to the zoo, and two monkeys are going at it, and the girl goes, "Mommy, what are they doing?" And the mom goes, "They're making a cake. Let's go back home."
And so they go home, and the girl goes, "Mommy, did you and Daddy make a cake last night?" And the mom nervously says, "N-no, why?" And the little girl goes, "Because I licked the icing off the couch."
Manly men go to strip clubs. JD Vance goes to IKEA.
My teacher asks all of us in class, "What is your favorite thing in the world?"
Josh: Cookies.
Jacob: My parents.
Erika: My Friends!
Brody: Lamborghinis.
Me: Pulling over in a car in the middle of nowhere at night with my girlfriend and getting in the back seat where the magic happens... ;-)
My Teacher: Ok, everyone that was all good...WAIT A DANG SECOND!
*Everyone Looks at Me With A Weird Face....