Sex jokes
My friend said having sex is a lot like your first football game.
You're bloody and bruised, but at least your dad was there.
Most embarrassing moment during sex, GO!
James Arnold: My grandma walked in while I was knife raping my wife.
A guy on a bus saw a beautiful girl. He asked for her number, and of course, she said no. He asked the bus driver for advice, and he said, "That girl goes to the cemetery to pray every day at 10 p.m. and look for a statue of an angel." So he dresses up as God, goes to the grave, and she sees him. She says, "Oh, Lord, end my misery! Kill me now!" And he said, "Only if you do something for me first." She replied, "What is it, oh mighty Lord?" He said, "Have sex with me." She agreed. They had sex, and when she was done sucking his dick, he said, "I have something to tell you." He took off his costume and said, "I'm the guy from the bus." And she took off her costume: "I'm the bus driver."
(Does anyone remember this? It's an old joke someone made, or does no one remember this? I didn't make this, but it went smth like this)
What do hookers and porn stars have in common? They get paid for sex and get STD's.
How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
She chews before she swallows.
Who ever said "condom?" YES DADDY!
I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend, so I fucked her. Turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about.
And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her, but this time it was her identical triplet. There are 3 of them...
AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!
What can a dwarf do standing up that a tall person can't do standing up?
Give a blowjob.
Guess how I'm getting laid tonight?
"I'm stronger than you."
I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.
She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.
Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!
Husband: Honey, do you want sex?
Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.
Husband: Is that your final answer?
Wife: Mmmmm.
Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: No doubts?
Wife: No.
Husband staring a long time at his wife.
Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.
What's the difference between Jane Doe and a field?
A field gets harvested in the fall, while Jane Doe gets plowed.
My dad walked in on me having sex with a dog. She gasped and shouted at me, "Get out of here, it's my turn!"
After sleeping with her boyfriend for the first time, the lead singer of Blackbriar told her friend all about it: "Ik zora cock!"
What do the names Alan and Jordan have in common?
An.
A customer came to me and asked for condoms for tiny dicks.
I met an amazing girl online. Smart, sexy... uninhibited.
Of course it turned out to be a 12 year old paraplegic boy... I have to admit... The sex was disappointing.
Well, the "HOLE" story is, I shoved it up her hole.
New degree plans announced by Cornell University:
- Frat Studies, includes classes in acquiring ketamine and arranging threesomes with your homeboy and some random girl.
- Sorority Studies, includes classes in oral sex, binge drinking, and bullshitting after the fact.
- Consent Theory, teaches the new generation that "Yes" means "No" and your problems can all be solved by regretting your own poor decision-making (the shop's still open btw).
Can I be the hammer to your nail? Just so I can pound you down to my wood?