My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.
Sex Jokes
What is the difference between a woman and my fridge?
Only one moans when I put my meat in it.
My wife told me to contact more of my feminine side.
I crashed the car and fucked my trainer.
How do you trick a homophobic heterosexual male that is a Roman Catholic priest into using the glory hole inside the men's restroom at a gay bar?
Tell him that it is a confessional booth.
What's the hardest thing when working with the severely mentally handicapped?
My dick.
What do sex and food have in common?
Grandma makes both better.
What is the difference between hungry and horny?
The cucumber goes to different places.
There are 206 bones in the human body, but I’d really like to have 207.
Q: What did the porn actress say when she opened the door?
A: Make sure to come upstairs!
F*ck me!
What does gum in my d*ck have in common?
Both get chewed on by little kids.
I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend, so I fucked her. Turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about.
And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her, but this time it was her identical triplet. There are 3 of them...
AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!
I woke up to my daughter riding me in bed. I asked, "What are you doing?" She replied, "Making a Creampie."
What's the difference between a porn star and a mosquito?
One stops sucking when you smack it.
Hi, welcome to David’s sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?
What's the difference between a screw and a hooker? You can't unscrew the hooker.
Why did the condom cross the road?
Because he was pissed off.
Police Report: Looking for a female, light brown hair, blue eyes, freckles, and a small scar on her right check.
Last seen on CCTV wearing see-through bottoms, a pink top, and a vibrating dildo hanging out of her arse. If you find this woman, please get her to charge the dildo for excessive fun.
In 2013, it was reported that China has lost around 28,000 rivers; over half of what they thought existed. Some say climate change is the cause, others say it’s their harsh, economic expansion that’s unapologetic to the environment.
My theory is that those 28,000 rivers were sold to underground river-sex trafficking.
Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her... so I said yes.
