Sex jokes
How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
She chews before she swallows.
Why'd I cum all over your mummy's panties? 'Cause she's hot af.
LOLOLOOLOLLOL
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
Guess how I'm getting laid tonight?
"I'm stronger than you."
What's the definition of a bastard?
Answer: A man with a 1 inch dick and a 10 inch tongue and all he wants to do is fuck!
Why are most West Virginians going to hell?
Their favorite pastimes (inbreeding and bestiality) are an abomination unto the Lord.
What are four ways a condom is like a Republican elephant?
1. It stands for inflation.
2. It limits production.
3. It encourages cooperation.
4. It gives you a feeling of security even though you know you're being screwed.
What's the difference between a blowjob and cough syrup?
They can both give you relief and make you gag at the same time.
My father taught me a lesson of sex in a hypothetical way.
My stepmother gave me a lesson [on] how [it] is going inside?
A kid gets home from school and finds his mom and dad having sex. The kid asks, "What are you doing, Dad?" The dad replies, "Having sex with your mom, son," and he starts laughing.
The next day, Dad gets home from work and finds his son having sex with his nan. The dad shouts, "What the hell are you doing, son?" The kid replies, "It's not funny when it's your mom, is it?"
Why is sex with pandas so much fun?
I don't know, it just is. 🐼
Husband: Honey, do you want sex?
Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.
Husband: Is that your final answer?
Wife: Mmmmm.
Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: No doubts?
Wife: No.
Husband staring a long time at his wife.
Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.
I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend, so I fucked her. Turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about.
And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her, but this time it was her identical triplet. There are 3 of them...
AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!
In my house, good sex sounds like seals slapping each other.
What's the difference between sex and gender?
You can't have gender with your sister.
A good man deserves a queen who will pussy slide on his penis casually, frig him with her thighs like a prostitute, make him laugh like a homie, cook like his mama.
A guy on a bus saw a beautiful girl. He asked for her number, and of course, she said no. He asked the bus driver for advice, and he said, "That girl goes to the cemetery to pray every day at 10 p.m. and look for a statue of an angel." So he dresses up as God, goes to the grave, and she sees him. She says, "Oh, Lord, end my misery! Kill me now!" And he said, "Only if you do something for me first." She replied, "What is it, oh mighty Lord?" He said, "Have sex with me." She agreed. They had sex, and when she was done sucking his dick, he said, "I have something to tell you." He took off his costume and said, "I'm the guy from the bus." And she took off her costume: "I'm the bus driver."
(Does anyone remember this? It's an old joke someone made, or does no one remember this? I didn't make this, but it went smth like this)
What do you call sex?
Making cake.
Yo mama so FAT...
That when she had sex with you...
Your balls turned to pancakes.
Nancy, the throat goat!