Sex jokes
Why can’t orphans have sex?
Because they don’t have a daddy to run back to.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I have a small dick. Too bad for her, because I give good sex.
Yeah, she called me "Pledge" because I knocked the dust off it.
Spare.
You got a spare, spare me an inch of that far juicy cock.
One night when I was six, I had this super annoying accent, and when I said the number "six," Oh no... One night my Catholic priest asked me how many cookies I needed for my family. I told him six, but thanks to my accent being mixed with many others including Scottish, French, and Russian, it sounded like I said "I need to have sex." He looked at me strange then pulled me into a closet, being a pedo.
When Momma asked me why I was missing for 6 hours, I told her, "I went to get the cookies like you told me to, and father raped the Christianity out of me." The angry look she gave my father was amazing. Then with my Papa, she beat the hell outta him.
Serves him right.
If you wait for a woman to get 9 months pregnant and kill her, you will never be able to stop the loop.
Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.
I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.
A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.
The little girl looked down and said, "What's that?"
"That's my little red sports car," said the little boy.
The little boy looked down and said, "What's that?"
"That's my little red sports car garage," said the little girl.
A few seconds later, the little girl said, "How about you put your little red sports car in my little red sports car garage?"
"Sure," said the little boy.
The little boy's mother was downstairs and heard this blood curdling scream. She ran upstairs. Once she got there, she saw blood all over the bathtub. "What happened?!" she said.
"Well, Johnny tried to put his little red sports car in my little red sports car garage...but it didn't fit...so I cut the back wheels off..."
What does a male Asian P*rnstar like to say?
"I love eating cat."
What do gay horses eat?
Horse dick.
How do you know when you are dating a cannibal?
You go to the beach, he offers to put suntan oil on you, and the brand name is Wesson.
You are having sex and he says he wants to eat your a$$ and you notice he is holding a knife and fork.
He invites you to his home to use the hot tub and it is heated by a wood fire.
You are having an argument and you say "bite me" and he starts to sharpen his teeth.
Why did the man cross the road?
Because his dick was stuck in the chicken!
I heard you were looking for a stud. I have the STD, and all I need is U.
I fiddled your mum last night, she fucking moaned like a fucking wilder beast.
I’d make a joke about prostitutes and women sleeping with multiple men, but it would just be whore-ible.
What do you do if your dick is smoking?
Get your mum to lick it.
But she hasn't tried the position with her new boyfriend, so she invites him to a romantic dinner.
After dinner, she tells her boyfriend about her desire for it, but her boyfriend was clueless about such acts, so she tells him to strip naked on the couch and lay on top of him naked in the 69 position. She starts sucking him off and starts waiting for him to do the same, but the bf didn't know what to do, so he just lay there. Suddenly, the girl had an urge to fart but held it in because her asshole was right near his bf's face. Suddenly, she loses control and lets one out. She apologizes profusely and continues sucking him. A couple of minutes later, she feels the urge again and lets another fart rip near his face. The BF throws the girl from the couch, gets up, and says, "Bitch if you think I'll be lying here for 67 more of those, you're fucking crazy."
We aren't ghosts, but I'll take you under the sheets.
Don't say you want to eat out a five-year-old's pussy, because I have already shoved a glass dildo in her tight ass pussy, UwU.
What wiggles and waggles?
A floppy dick!