Sex jokes

Husband: Can we try anal tonight? Wife: Fuck that shit! Husband: That's the spirit!

What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

I want your cock in my rock bottom.

What do you call a sexually attracted pizza who spoons another pizza?

A Topping.

Bad handjobs are rare. They’re hard to come by.

Why should you always wear rubber?

So you don’t leave DNA evidence.

What's another name for cumming inside a woman?

Loading the dishwasher.

What’s the difference between my sister-in-law and a driveway?

I pull out of the driveway.

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014, at 10:37 AM.

My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with. I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

What is the difference between a nun and a hooker?

One makes you believe in Heaven, the other makes you feel it.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

"Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!"

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist.

He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

My girlfriend passed away recently.

At the funeral, everyone was shocked about it.

Still, even when dead, she is the best shag I've ever known.

What do you call a vagina with multiple clits?

A tongue workout!

Hey, you down to fuck?

No, I’m just down.

Why did the two balls cross the road?

To get to the penis!

Sorry, too rude?

A black dude shows up to a job interview for a watermelon farmhand gig, resume full of fried chicken joint experience. The boss asks, "Why should I hire you?" He stutters, "Uh, I got skills in... uh..." Before he can finish, a hulk-like, veiny, muscular, giant transgender man storms in, straps him to the interview desk with velvet cuffs, drips hot wax on his back from a candle shaped like a massive dick, and rams his ass relentlessly while whispering, "Welcome to the team, bitch. Your probation starts now."

So, little Johnny is walking down the street and asks a stranger, "Sir, what are hormones?"

Then the man replies, "The moans of a fucking whore!"

2 weeks here.

What do dicks and popsicles have in common?

They both like to be sucked on, and they sometimes choke you.