Sex jokes
Husband: "Honey, I just bought these special Olympic-style condoms!"
Wife: "Olympic-style condoms? What makes them so special?"
Husband: "They come in three colors: gold, silver, and bronze."
Wife: "Ooh, sweet. What color are you going to wear tonight?"
Husband: "Gold, of course!"
Wife: "Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."
Did you hear about the dyslexic couple who were struggling to have sex? They kept doing the 96 positions.
What does a sex offender and Santa have in common?
They will come down your "chimney" tonight.
Why does no one die a virgin? Cause life fucks us all.
What is the difference between a nun and a hooker?
One makes you believe in Heaven, the other makes you feel it.
What is the difference between a nun and a hooker?
One to trust and the other to thrust.
What’s the difference between a nun and a hooker?
One kneels for salvation.
The other kneels with salivation.
Why won't an American atheist convert to the religion of Islam in the city of Dearborn, Michigan?
Because being on the sex offender list is the only requirement to be able to join a mosque in the city of Dearborn, Michigan.
Why won't an atheist convert to the religion of Islam? Because being on the sex offender list is the only requirement to be a Muslim according to the Arabic religion of Islam.
What’s the difference between my sister-in-law and a driveway?
I pull out of the driveway.
My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with. I probably should've stopped when I got to her.
3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!
Anal intercourse is for assholes.
I saw a cute coworker and had sex in the back until I realized it is a family business.
How do you stop a woman from choking?
Back up an inch.
A black dude shows up to a job interview for a watermelon farmhand gig, resume full of fried chicken joint experience. The boss asks, "Why should I hire you?" He stutters, "Uh, I got skills in... uh..." Before he can finish, a hulk-like, veiny, muscular, giant transgender man storms in, straps him to the interview desk with velvet cuffs, drips hot wax on his back from a candle shaped like a massive dick, and rams his ass relentlessly while whispering, "Welcome to the team, bitch. Your probation starts now."
Q. What's a dog's favourite type of sex? A. Ruff.
Q. What does Jeffrey Epstein get his sex partners for their birthday? A. Crayons.
What is the female version of t-bagging? A clam slapping.
What’s the best part about having sex with a pregnant woman?
You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.