Sex jokes
Why did the priest invent baptism?
To wash their sex toys.
How do you make a blow job OSHA compliant? You add a railing!
What do guns and women have in common?
They both get cocked and loaded.
Why do people use terms like "sucky" to mean that they don't like something?
If something "sucks," shouldn't that signify that it is at least good for one thing and will bring pleasure?
I tried phone sex once, lost my bits to a stray "call waiting" beep. Very painful. Never again.
Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of working girls. Call girls. Hookers. Prostitutes. And the association is a long one, going back to the very earliest legends which place St. Nick as a Greek bishop in Myra, Lycia in what is now the Turkish Mediterranean - three centuries after Christ.
Saint Nicholas is notable primarily for giving secretly to the poor, and supposedly the first to benefit were three young ladies whose poor father couldn't afford wedding or dowry to marry them off - destining them instead to a life of prostitution. St. Nick supposedly threw a bag of gold through the window to pay for the wedding but, by the third attempt, the poor father was watching to determine the identity of the anonymous benefactor. Santa outsmarted him by dropping the last bag of coins down the chimney.
So, whenever you see Santa, he always travels with his three favourite sex workers - who seemingly never grow old. On a quiet, still Christmas night you can even hear him call them.
Ho! Ho! Ho! And to all a good night.
Why do vegans hate sex?
They don't want to say they had a meat in 'em.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a prostitute?
The look they give you while you’re nailing them.
Did you hear about the new sex doll they've invented for Muslims?
It blows itself up!!
Husband: "Honey, I just bought these special Olympic-style condoms!"
Wife: "Olympic-style condoms? What makes them so special?"
Husband: "They come in three colors: gold, silver, and bronze."
Wife: "Ooh, sweet. What color are you going to wear tonight?"
Husband: "Gold, of course!"
Wife: "Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."
Did you hear about the dyslexic couple who were struggling to have sex? They kept doing the 96 positions.
What does a sex offender and Santa have in common?
They will come down your "chimney" tonight.
Why does no one die a virgin? Cause life fucks us all.
What is the difference between a nun and a hooker?
One makes you believe in Heaven, the other makes you feel it.
What is the difference between a nun and a hooker?
One to trust and the other to thrust.
What’s the difference between a nun and a hooker?
One kneels for salvation.
The other kneels with salivation.
Why won't an American atheist convert to the religion of Islam in the city of Dearborn, Michigan?
Because being on the sex offender list is the only requirement to be able to join a mosque in the city of Dearborn, Michigan.
Why won't an atheist convert to the religion of Islam? Because being on the sex offender list is the only requirement to be a Muslim according to the Arabic religion of Islam.
What’s the difference between my sister-in-law and a driveway?
I pull out of the driveway.
My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with. I probably should've stopped when I got to her.