Sex jokes

Why did the condom cross the road?

Because he was pissed off.

Police Report: Looking for a female, light brown hair, blue eyes, freckles, and a small scar on her right check.

Last seen on CCTV wearing see-through bottoms, a pink top, and a vibrating dildo hanging out of her arse. If you find this woman, please get her to charge the dildo for excessive fun.

In 2013, it was reported that China has lost around 28,000 rivers; over half of what they thought existed. Some say climate change is the cause, others say it’s their harsh, economic expansion that’s unapologetic to the environment.

My theory is that those 28,000 rivers were sold to underground river-sex trafficking.

My mother caught me jerking off and she told me to leave it out. I didn't know what she was doing but she grabbed my cock and started sucking. Then I found out on porn she was doing deep throat.

A couple of weeks later my dad caught me jerking off, I thought he would deep throat, but he just walked up to me and slapped my boner. I cried for 5 hours. Luckily my mum gave me a sloppy joe afterwards.

You're gay.

Bro, I am straighter than the pole that your mom dances on for me every night.

My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."

I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."

I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl.

Momma always told me to eat my vegetables.

Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her... so I said yes.

Roses are red, lemons are sour, spread your legs, give me an hour!

I heard you were looking for a stud...

I already have the STD; all I need is you.

What is the worst part about siblings having sex?

Being left out.

It was pornography class, and there was a break.

Two adults were "having a good time" till the teacher says...

Teacher: Hey! SAY ALL THE NUMBERS TO 10,000 NOW!

Adult 1: How about I say my ABC's?

Teacher: Go ahead, I guess...

Adult 1: A B C E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Teacher: Where's the D?

Adult 2: Inside me...

I wanted to fuck my mom, but she replied, "My pussy only belongs to your dad." That's why I had to fuck her in the a$$!

I looked up how fast cum shoots and it said 28 mph. That means that ejaculation is illegal in school zones!

Two people are under the covers. The man says, "Quote the Beatles: Come together!"

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

"Don't worry, you can keep the tip."

My shirt is only red when I think about sex.

Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."

The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.

The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.

The third lady says, "I never had a husband."

The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."

They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.

The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."

"How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"

Most embarrassing moment during sex, GO!

James Arnold: My grandma walked in while I was knife raping my wife.

What's the difference between pussy and pizza... nothing because I'll eat them both.