Sex jokes
What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They're both meat substitutes.
I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend, so I fucked her. Turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about.
And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her, but this time it was her identical triplet. There are 3 of them...
AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!
Why do men like big tits and a flat ass?
Because they got little dicks and big mouths.
I woke up to my daughter riding me in bed. I asked, "What are you doing?" She replied, "Making a Creampie."
Hi, welcome to David’s sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?
So, there was a male whale and a female whale swimming through the ocean. One day the male whale sees a ship and says, "That's the ship that killed my parents!" So they go to the ship and blow the ship over and throw the men overboard into the sea.
The male whale sees the man who killed his parents and he was still alive, so he opened his mouth and went for the man, but out of nowhere the female whale yells, "Hey!! I was in it for the blowjob, but I'm not gonna eat seamen!"
Sam and Amya like anal sex with each other.
What's the difference between a screw and a hooker? You can't unscrew the hooker.
Why did the condom cross the road?
Because he was pissed off.
Why did the priest invent baptism?
To wash their sex toys.
Police Report: Looking for a female, light brown hair, blue eyes, freckles, and a small scar on her right check.
Last seen on CCTV wearing see-through bottoms, a pink top, and a vibrating dildo hanging out of her arse. If you find this woman, please get her to charge the dildo for excessive fun.
In 2013, it was reported that China has lost around 28,000 rivers; over half of what they thought existed. Some say climate change is the cause, others say it’s their harsh, economic expansion that’s unapologetic to the environment.
My theory is that those 28,000 rivers were sold to underground river-sex trafficking.
My mother caught me jerking off and she told me to leave it out. I didn't know what she was doing but she grabbed my cock and started sucking. Then I found out on porn she was doing deep throat.
A couple of weeks later my dad caught me jerking off, I thought he would deep throat, but he just walked up to me and slapped my boner. I cried for 5 hours. Luckily my mum gave me a sloppy joe afterwards.
Roses are red, lemons are sour, spread your legs, give me an hour!
Why do New Zealanders have sex with sheep on the edge of cliffs? They push back harder.
My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."
I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Good Year, the other’s a great year.
Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her... so I said yes.
I heard you were looking for a stud...
I already have the STD; all I need is you.
What is the worst part about siblings having sex?
Being left out.