Sex jokes
"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.
The best part of you ran down your mother's leg... Einstein got ready to climax while doing math but realized you can't cumtilyain cumtilion. It's after sucktillion fucktillion.
A 28 year old woman, Olga, in Meshchovsk, Russia took justice into her own hands when a 32 year old male robber, Viktor, decided to rob her salon. She tied him, feeding him only Viagra, having sex with him over and over. After a few days, she released him after he stated he learned his lesson and wouldn't go to the police. He lied and went to the police anyways. Both were arrested.
After his sentence was over, Viktor sat down to speak to the local news. The reporter asked Viktor, "How was this whole ordeal?" Viktor replied, "I've had better."
How can you tell when your sister is on her period?
Your dad's knob tastes funny.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One's a good year, and one's a great year.
So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.
When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"
He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."
Adam and Eve had sex. It was paradise.
Why are black men's eyes always red after sex?
From the mace.
What's the difference between a dog and a rapist?
At least the rapist adds a bit of foreplay before he starts humping people.
Did I tell you I finally got my wife to scream during sex? Yeah, you should have heard her the other day when I walked in on her.
What is the female version of t-bagging? A clam slapping.
What do you call someone who has sex with foals, calves, and lambs? A Quadrupedophile.
Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?
Because they don't want to admit that meat makes them happy.
What’s black, white, and red all over?
An ethnic orgy.
I was going home and 3 guys came up to me: an Italian, a Black guy, and a Spanish guy. They said, "You should be a proud brother, your sister knows her meats." I didn't know what they were talking about. They said, "Your sister won a trophy, you will see it when you get home." I went home. My sister said, "Look, I won a trophy by knowing my meats." I said, "What do you mean?" She said, "Well, 3 guys blindfolded me and I gave them a blowjob, each one of them, and I guessed which flavor it was. I was right all the time, that's how I won my trophy." As a big brother, I couldn't be any prouder.
Roses are red, lemons are sour.
Open your legs and give me an hour.
Why did the orphan girl cry during sex?
Because her boyfriend said "Who's your daddy?"
BAJAHAHAHHAA
Definition of trust: two cannibals having oral sex.
Do you know you’re supposed to wash your sex toys after you use them?
I guess that’s why Catholics invented baptism.
Q: Sex is great, only your mate can sometimes be a little nuts!
(I am still a single young virgin.)