Sex jokes

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic, but I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Why don’t Mexicans have sex education and driver's education on the same day?

Because the donkey gets tired.

What is the definition of auto masturbation?

Fellatio.

Q: What do nuns and bathrooms have in common?

A: They both have glory holes for pleasing.

A vagina is like the weather. Once it’s wet, it’s time to go inside.

What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

As soon as I saw your mom, my Premature Ejaculation went off.

I'm so bored and miserable, that I have sex with my inflatable girlfriend every night.

The best part? She don't talk back.

Women should be seen and not heard.

But how would you control that if she was screaming "NO!!!" in the bedroom?

Who wants a spot of bukkake for bedtime?

Your mum's vagina is so ravenous, that last night we both ended up on the living room floor, with her on top. She was eating my creamy young face off.

Your mom is the biggest tosser on the planet, yeah, you heard right.

I don't have to strain myself a blood vessel and be wankin' solo anymore; she saved me a whole load of arthritis.

Your mom was absolutely getting drilled by me on the living room floor last night.

Once you've had the mother,

Don't tell me you've never been tempted to do the daughter.

I got knob cheesed after your sexy mom was on top, dry humping me on the vanilla-coloured living room carpet.

What do the initials UAW stand for?

United Awesome Whores.

Why is bungee jumping similar to a condom?

Because if the rubber snaps, you're fucked.

Q. What's a dog's favourite type of sex? A. Ruff.

If she's not ready for an X-rated movie, she's not ready for this X-rated booty.