Security jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because North Korea's long-range missiles can't reach that far.

I was coming out of airport and a rober kept his gun on my head I requested him please don't kill me as I have my old mom and dad at my home . Kill Them.

What did Pepper say to Spray?

"Hey Spray, I'm Pepper, and I think we should fight crime!"

How do you know if an Asian has broken into your house?

Your dog is gone. ;)

What do you call a night guard at the glory hole inside a adult bookstore?

Guardian of the confessional booth.

I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised to see that the news reported a school shooting there. I still don't know who snitched...

TV: SCHOOL SHOOTING 13 DIED.

Father: Guns cause all these problems!

Kid playing FNAF security breach *bang* *Bang*

Kid: WOLF PU&EY WOLF PU^$Y WOLF PU*#Y

Are suicide bombers taught properly how to fly, or...

Are they just given a quick crash course?

The school shooter when the cops show up be like:

"Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, ain't nothing gonna hold me down. Oh oh. I've got to keep on moving."

After getting in the White House, D. Trump gets a letter...

...from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:

370HSSV 0773H

All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter.

One of the agents suggests Trump ask for MI6's help, so he does and few minutes after a British agent sends a fax to his secretary:

"Tell your president he was holding the letter upside down."

What does a lawyer defending a killer and a password have in common? They're case sensitive.

How did the burglar get into my house?

Intruder window.

For all the Harry Potter fans:

A VPN is occlumency for smart devices, and our ISP is a legilimens.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

I was rooting for Donald Trump to be president.

We haven't had a presidential assassination in a while.

Daughter: "I know this is weird, but I feel like someone is watching me when I am sleeping."

Father: "Sorry."

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters, ...

so Trump can't tweet it.

Q: How come in airports, they park the planes outside?

A: They don't belong in buildings.

If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?