I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!
Security Jokes
Yo mama's so old, her social security number is one.
Joe Biden would’ve died in the Secret Service tackle. They would have been like, "Get down Mr. Presi-"
Nothing makes a guy happier than when his girlfriend says, “Go and lock the door first...”
When you lock the door, but you realize it's a pull open door!
I hope you forget your password to something, only to send something to an email that you also forgot the password to.
CIA: Where's your head at?
JFK: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Watchdogs.
Why are orphans so scared of the dark?
The dad can't check the closet for them.
What will Donald Trump build in our devices?
A firewall.
Tech administrator of a school: Hm, a message from Google security?
Tech administrator of a school: OH SHIT!
Assistant: WHAT, WHAT, TELL ME?
Tech administrator of a school: WE'VE BEEN COMPROMISED, WE FORGOT TO SECURE THE SITE!
Assistant: OK, OK, THE KEY IS NOT TO PANIC... let's call the school board.
A FEW MOMENTS LATER
Head of school board: HAHAHAHAHAHA! That's a good one, almost as good as the one with Jack, Jill, and the ripped condom! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Tech administrator of a school: HAHAHA yeah I know right *whispers* you are playing it cool, right?
Head of school board: *whispers* yeah we're fucked...
TWO HOURS LATER
Important fat people in one room: OH FUCK OH NO, HELP PLEASE!!!!! WAIT, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TELL THE PARENTS ABOUT THEIR STOLEN INFORMATION!!!
AND SO THAT WAS THE BIRTH OF RIOTING TEACHER
So one day, I took a trip to Russia and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any bodyguards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days.
After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I said yes, and the officer said, "God help us."
So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said, "I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy." He said, "We did, and that we were extremely drunk."
What does the sign say on the hooker house after they were on lockdown?
Answer: "We're on lockdown, get lost pervert."
One apple a day keeps the doctor away; not logging onto servers using management or service accounts keeps SecOps people away.
Why don't orphans have Life360?
Because parents won't track them.
Do you think when the Secret Service heard the gunshot they were like, "Donald Duck"?
Why did the rapper become a locksmith?
Because he always had the KEYS!
What are four ways a condom is like a Republican elephant?
1. It stands for inflation.
2. It limits production.
3. It encourages cooperation.
4. It gives you a feeling of security even though you know you're being screwed.
What did Pepper say to Spray?
"Hey Spray, I'm Pepper, and I think we should fight crime!"
Why do you go to the bank?
To get money.
When do you run from the bank?
When the cops come.