Security jokes

ICE and ISIS have similar first syllables. Coincidence? I think not!

I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised to see that the news reported a school shooting there. I still don't know who snitched...

How do you know if an Asian has broken into your house?

Your dog is gone. ;)

I was taking a walk near the prison when I saw a good looking guy climbing down the fence, and when he noticed me, he gave me a sneer! It was pretty condescending.

My gun is like my house, used to be full, now it's empty.

Stephen Hawking isn’t dead, he’s just using VPN.

What do you call a wizard who can't secure a girl? Fumbledore.

Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.

I was on the Official Cristiano Ronaldo website when suddenly my Anti-Virus software showed an alert on my screen! The notification read "WARNING: FRAUD DETECTED!" I was shocked but not surprised.

Penaldo has been finished for years after all, and he often ghosts in big games.

What is Forrest Gump's password?

1forest1

A man shot into a crowd at the train station and didn't hit one person. When the police asked why he missed, someone said, "'Cause he gay."

He couldn't shoot straight.

One day there was a guy who robbed a bank. A customer at the bank while it happened got the police. Who was that? The police said......

It’s a wood hulem.

The bakery where I work is being robbed. I said to the people, "I am calling the police." Then I realized they did not come for the money; they came for the bread. Huh, go figure!

What if some kid was like, "I'm going to shoot up the school!", and then someone just pulls up with a reverse card?

I was coming out of airport and a rober kept his gun on my head I requested him please don't kill me as I have my old mom and dad at my home . Kill Them.

I work at a morgue and we wrap the bodies in bubble wrap.

I was working the night shift and just looking at the security cameras, but then I heard popping behind me!

The school shooter when the cops show up be like:

"Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, ain't nothing gonna hold me down. Oh oh. I've got to keep on moving."

What do computer programming and 9/11 have in common?

They're both inside jobs.

Well, if Stephen Hawking likes black holes so much, why did he call security when I put my hole on his face?

*Enter password*

"ScoobyDoo"

"Password must contain special character."

"ScoobyDooFeaturingBatman"