Surveillance jokes

The definition of a stalker is two people going on a romantic walk, but only one person knows about it.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.

I saw it through my telescope last night.

What's the difference between an Afghan kindergarten and a military target?

The drone guy didn't know either.

What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?

Lesbionage.

When I hired a Asian detective to see if my wife was cheating on me, I got this letter:

Mr. Wong - I see he, so I climb up tree. He knock on door and she let him in. She talks to him, he talks to she. He undresses she, she undresses he. She plays with he, he plays with she. I play with me, I fall out tree, I no see... No fee.

I was studying in Turin, and my professor told me I had to use PENS only.

I looked in my bag for pens, and they were GONE. I looked at the surveillance footage and saw that CRISTIANO PENALDO stole ALL MY PENS. I was fuming. Shame on you, Penaldo!

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

What do you call 2 spies fucking?

Undercover.

A husband came back from a business trip and found out that his wife was pregnant. At first, he got a bit suspicious, but then he just ignored it and hugged his wife with happiness. The second when he met his friend and told him the news, the friend just said, "Wait, what? I thought she was on pills!"

Be careful, everybody, I have a red dot on my forehead, so I can record everybody!

What's the difference between a school in Pakistan and an Al Qaeda base?

Not too sure. I just fly the drone.

Three men are on a bench in Soviet Russia talking shit about Stalin. One of the men all of a sudden pulls out a KGB badge and says, "You two are coming with me for treason." One of the other men also pulls out a badge and says, "Not me." The third man pulls out a badge and says, "Wow? There's a lot of agents here."

What do you call security outside a Samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

What similarities do peeping Toms and spies share?

They both see things they shouldn't.

Watching the 9/11 documentaries, just watching a kill cam.

What's the difference between a school and an ISIS military base? Don't ask me, I only fly the drone.

People judge me because I'm quiet.

No one plans a massacre out loud.

When you're working in the Twin Towers and your computer connects to the airplane wifi.