Security jokes
Well, if Stephen Hawking likes black holes so much, why did he call security when I put my hole on his face?
How do you enter your house?
Through Bill Gates!
The terrorists lost their landing gear and had to make a crash landing into the closest building because religion.
Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.
Q. Why did the orphan rob a bank?
A. To feel wanted for the first fucking time.
Teachers: Whenever there’s a school shooting, hide under the desk.
Students: Hiding under desk.
Shooter: Well, no one’s in here!
What does the sign say on the hooker house after they were on lockdown?
Answer: "We're on lockdown, get lost pervert."
For all the Harry Potter fans:
A VPN is occlumency for smart devices, and our ISP is a legilimens.
The guard caught one of the fugitives as he tried to escape. All he said was...
"Don't let your guard down."
What are four ways a condom is like a Republican elephant?
1. It stands for inflation.
2. It limits production.
3. It encourages cooperation.
4. It gives you a feeling of security even though you know you're being screwed.
Your mum was so poor that she went to rob the bank, but she left because she couldn't find the cameras. She left her son, and the security [girl] gave him the camera.
How did the burglar get into my house?
Intruder window.
Why are orphans so scared of the dark?
The dad can't check the closet for them.
What do computer programming and 9/11 have in common?
They're both inside jobs.
I was at a supermarket in Barcelona and I noticed the alarm had gone off. There was a thief at the store; the tea bag section had been ransacked.
Luckily they found the thief, Pionel Pessi, with boxes of his favourite tea, Penaltea. Shame on you, Pessi!
Why do blondes make bad bank robbers?
Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.
I was about to change my password to Fire-Fist Ace... but apparently it was too weak.
What does a lawyer defending a killer and a password have in common? They're case sensitive.
The school shooter when the cops show up be like:
"Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, ain't nothing gonna hold me down. Oh oh. I've got to keep on moving."
So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.