Security jokes
If you own a gun and you live in the USA, hide your gun upstairs. Biden can't get it.
Biden: *falls over on steps*
When the school shooter breaks into your classroom, so you try to say goodbye to your Roblox gf, but then the shooter's phone goes off.
Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.
Why did the chicken crack the safe?
To get to her nest egg.
I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised to see that the news reported a school shooting there. I still don't know who snitched...
What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.
What do you call a dog that tells the time?
A watchdog.
After getting in the White House, D. Trump gets a letter...
...from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:
370HSSV 0773H
All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter.
One of the agents suggests Trump ask for MI6's help, so he does and few minutes after a British agent sends a fax to his secretary:
"Tell your president he was holding the letter upside down."
Junkyard dogs may be mean, but the meanest dogs are the ones guarding concentration camps.
What type of tape do kidnappers use?
Abduct-Tape.
I work at a morgue and we wrap the bodies in bubble wrap.
I was working the night shift and just looking at the security cameras, but then I heard popping behind me!
Setting: Funeral Home
Customer: Yes, I was considering what would be the best option for cheap cremation, but I feel that's silly to ask.
Funeral Director: Oh! We do have these nice urns over here at a discounted 75 percent off.
Customer: Okay? What's the catch? That's almost 300 dollars off?
Funeral Director: I assure you these are top-of-the-line urns and will keep your loved ones' remains secure and dry.
Customer: Okay?
Funeral Director: Yep, these have only been used once, so it is absolutely worth the purchase.
By: MiniMemorials.com
How did the security guard at the orchid get better at his job? He got an Apple Watch.
What do you call a night guard at the glory hole inside a adult bookstore?
Guardian of the confessional booth.
One day there was a guy who robbed a bank. A customer at the bank while it happened got the police. Who was that? The police said......
It’s a wood hulem.
How do you know when German people break into your house? When you can not find your bed.
Why do they have fences around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!
Chuck Norris told those three men how to climb Trump's wall.
So one day, I took a trip to Russia and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any bodyguards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days.
After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I said yes, and the officer said, "God help us."
So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said, "I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy." He said, "We did, and that we were extremely drunk."