Junkyard dogs may be mean, but the meanest dogs are the ones guarding concentration camps.
What type of tape do kidnappers use?
Abduct-Tape.
I work at a morgue and we wrap the bodies in bubble wrap.
I was working the night shift and just looking at the security cameras, but then I heard popping behind me!
Setting: Funeral Home
Customer: Yes, I was considering what would be the best option for cheap cremation, but I feel that's silly to ask.
Funeral Director: Oh! We do have these nice urns over here at a discounted 75 percent off.
Customer: Okay? What's the catch? That's almost 300 dollars off?
Funeral Director: I assure you these are top-of-the-line urns and will keep your loved ones' remains secure and dry.
Customer: Okay?
Funeral Director: Yep, these have only been used once, so it is absolutely worth the purchase.
By: MiniMemorials.com
How did the security guard at the orchid get better at his job? He got an Apple Watch.
What do you call a night guard at the glory hole inside a adult bookstore?
Guardian of the confessional booth.
One day there was a guy who robbed a bank. A customer at the bank while it happened got the police. Who was that? The police said......
It’s a wood hulem.
How do you know when German people break into your house? When you can not find your bed.
Why do they have fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.
I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!
Chuck Norris told those three men how to climb Trump's wall.
So one day, I took a trip to Russia and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any bodyguards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days.
After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I said yes, and the officer said, "God help us."
So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said, "I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy." He said, "We did, and that we were extremely drunk."
Two guys are on a plane. One of the guys' name is Jack. The other is Peter.
Peter: "Hi Jack."
Flight Attendant: "You're going to hijack the plane?!?"
Jack: "No, my name is Ja-"
Flight Attendant: "Everybody stay calm! These two men are going to hijack the plane!"
Jack: "No, no. My name is Jack and my friend here is an idiot."
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because North Korea's long-range missiles can't reach that far.
I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone, and a dog nearby barked and ran away. Now I'm still looking for that dog to unlock my phone.
Tech administrator of a school: Hm, a message from Google security?
Tech administrator of a school: OH SHIT!
Assistant: WHAT, WHAT, TELL ME?
Tech administrator of a school: WE'VE BEEN COMPROMISED, WE FORGOT TO SECURE THE SITE!
Assistant: OK, OK, THE KEY IS NOT TO PANIC... let's call the school board.
A FEW MOMENTS LATER
Head of school board: HAHAHAHAHAHA! That's a good one, almost as good as the one with Jack, Jill, and the ripped condom! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Tech administrator of a school: HAHAHA yeah I know right *whispers* you are playing it cool, right?
Head of school board: *whispers* yeah we're fucked...
TWO HOURS LATER
Important fat people in one room: OH FUCK OH NO, HELP PLEASE!!!!! WAIT, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TELL THE PARENTS ABOUT THEIR STOLEN INFORMATION!!!
AND SO THAT WAS THE BIRTH OF RIOTING TEACHER
I was taking a walk near the prison when I saw a good looking guy climbing down the fence, and when he noticed me, he gave me a sneer! It was pretty condescending.
What is Forrest Gump's password?
1forest1
How do you know if an Asian has broke into your house? Your dog is gone. ;)
what do u call security outside a samsung store guardians of the galaxy
