Safety jokes

Why can't orphans go on vacation?

The last time they did, they fell in the toilet and had no one to help them out. Ugh!

Rape can happen to anybody, so I think I will continue taking the short cut home through the dark alleyways, wearing barely anything and walk really close to bushes.

Teachers at a school shooting be like: damn it. That's the third one this week and it's only Monday.

My dad said not to touch this thingy called a gun, but I looked down that pole and pressed that thing, and now I'm in heaven.

What did the traffic light 🚦 say? Oh.

Be careful, everybody, I have a red dot on my forehead, so I can record everybody!

Are you a fire alarm because you're loud and annoying?

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving more than once.

"Hippity hoppity, the school shooter spotted me."

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She forgot to put her seatbelt on.

So I walked into my bathroom to clean some stuff, and no one ever told me you can't put phones in the bathtub!

Stop hating on pedos. At least they drive slow in school zones.

A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.

What is yellow and can’t swim?

A school bus full of children.

What do you get when you cross a highway on a bike?

Run over.

I always use chloroform when stealing a child.

What do you do to a pregnant lady on a step?

Push 'em.

Why did the parachute refuse to open?

Because it had a "fatal attraction" to the ground.

Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?

Because it was made by the same company that made their life decisions.

Why are school shootings branded “very American”?

1. They usually happen in the USA.

2. They’re like the Fourth of July: there’s a lot of loud banging and kids screaming.