Safety jokes
When a 68 year old teacher says: "I am going to tackle an intruder if I have to!"
Me: "Oh hell nah"
Dad: Where is my son?
Son: Come join me with musical chairs, except we stand on them.
Dad: Ok, so do we put this round our neck?
Son: YES!
Mum: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Everyone, just as a warning, stay AWAY from Akeld!
What would you do if you see a guy suffocating from the heat? I would call and dial 911, holy shit!
Why can't orphans cross roads?
They don't have a parent to hold hands with.
Memes
Why did the boy not cross the road?
Because he was on thin ice.
What did the other traffic cone say to the other?
"Look away, I'm changing!"
Yo mama so stupid, she put airbags on her computer in case it crashed.
Why did the skydiver bring a backup parachute?
In case the first one wanted to "cut ties" with them mid-air.
Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?
Because it was made by the same company that made their life decisions.
Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?
Because it realized it had a better chance of survival without them.
How do you fit a baby in a glass?
A blender.
How do you get it out?
Explosives!
A doctor fell into a well and broke his collarbone.
The doctor should attend the sick and leave the well alone!
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
Billy moved in with 69 pedophiles when he was 8. Many "tears" came across his cheeks.
What begins in F and ends in UCK?
Fire truck.
I always use chloroform when stealing a child.
Hiiiiiiiii, I said, Man, want candy? Me, YESSSSSS! Me, gets kidnaped.
What do you call an idiot who walks on the road when cars are coming?
Fresh roadkill.
How do u get a depressed person out of a tree?
You cut the rope they hung themself in...