Safety jokes
Things you never want to do in jail:
- Never piss off an inmate. - Don’t start fights with the cops. - Don’t drop the soap. - Don’t run away from the cops.
What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.
What do the Twin Towers and my ad's condom both have in common?
They both broke and everybody cried.
When a 68 year old teacher says: "I am going to tackle an intruder if I have to!"
Me: "Oh hell nah"
One day, Billy cow wandered off to the railroad tracks where his mother always told him not to go. His mother asked him where he had gone when he got home. He replied that he was just going for a graze. His neighbor later told his mother he had saw him at the railroad tracks. What would you call Billy cow now?
Ground Beef.
How can a pimp save money in buying condoms for his stable?
Answer: Have his hoes wash and rinse them after every use.
People say dogs are like their owners. So true. My dog keeps on running into the street as if she doesn't care about her life.
I don't care about her life either hahahaha!! :)
Why did the blind man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
Why did Sally cross the road?
She didn’t wear her seatbelt.
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday, but a scary-looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house.
Why are school shootings branded “very American”?
1. They usually happen in the USA.
2. They’re like the Fourth of July: there’s a lot of loud banging and kids screaming.
What's the difference between a bird and a kid on the roof?
The bird can fly off the roof.
Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.
Family is precious, so you have to keep them away from the sunlight.
What is the best way to catch a baby from falling off the roof?
With a pitchfork.
Do you know why you should never let a blonde handle grenades? They'll end up only throwing the pin.
For a while, lead was used in pencils, but... we realised that it might not have been the smartest idea because it lead (badoom ching) to some people getting lead poisoning.
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair on fire?
Hot wheels.
When the quiet kid tells you not to go to school the next day, but your mom makes you go anyway.