Safety jokes
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Cause he would never look both ways.
Why couldn't people have their phone on airplane mode during 9/11?
Because their phone exploded the towers.
Health and safety tips: Looking at your hairline is hazardous. For your best interest, please look away.
Yo mama so stupid, she put airbags on her computer in case it crashed.
What did the other traffic cone say to the other?
"Look away, I'm changing!"
Memes
Why did the skydiver bring a backup parachute?
In case the first one wanted to "cut ties" with them mid-air.
Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?
Because it was made by the same company that made their life decisions.
Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?
Because it realized it had a better chance of survival without them.
Why is bungee jumping similar to a condom?
Because if the rubber snaps, you're fucked.
Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.
Why did the rapper bring a parachute to the concert?
In case he had to drop some BOMBS.
How do you fit a baby in a glass?
A blender.
How do you get it out?
Explosives!
A doctor fell into a well and broke his collarbone.
The doctor should attend the sick and leave the well alone!
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
Billy moved in with 69 pedophiles when he was 8. Many "tears" came across his cheeks.
I always use chloroform when stealing a child.
How do u get a depressed person out of a tree?
You cut the rope they hung themself in...
What do you call an idiot who walks on the road when cars are coming?
Fresh roadkill.
What begins in F and ends in UCK?
Fire truck.
What's yellow and blue and found at the bottom of a pool? A baby with slashed floaties.