Safety jokes
Why did the skydiver bring a backup parachute?
In case the first one wanted to "cut ties" with them mid-air.
Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.
Why is bungee jumping similar to a condom?
Because if the rubber snaps, you're fucked.
Yo mama so stupid, she put airbags on her computer in case it crashed.
Why couldn't people have their phone on airplane mode during 9/11?
Because their phone exploded the towers.
Memes
Health and safety tips: Looking at your hairline is hazardous. For your best interest, please look away.
Which room is the safest place in the house?
The living room.
Why can't orphans cross roads?
They don't have a parent to hold hands with.
Why did the boy not cross the road?
Because he was on thin ice.
Vital information: if you find a stray dog in an alleyway, don't stare at its eyes.
Why did the rapper bring a parachute to the concert?
In case he had to drop some BOMBS.
How do you fit a baby in a glass?
A blender.
How do you get it out?
Explosives!
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
A doctor fell into a well and broke his collarbone.
The doctor should attend the sick and leave the well alone!
Billy moved in with 69 pedophiles when he was 8. Many "tears" came across his cheeks.
I always use chloroform when stealing a child.
Hiiiiiiiii, I said, Man, want candy? Me, YESSSSSS! Me, gets kidnaped.
What begins in F and ends in UCK?
Fire truck.
How do u get a depressed person out of a tree?
You cut the rope they hung themself in...
What do you call an idiot who walks on the road when cars are coming?
Fresh roadkill.