Safety jokes
Why did the blind man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
If you're pro-life, I hope you get hit by a bus today!
How do you get 500 drunk TTC people out? "Ah, on fire, a warning shot." "Uhhh sir, it's a M92 mortar." "Ah, just fire the shot!" Please get out before you get triggered from the pool and you have no clothes showing your nono parts. Oh wait, please get out of the pool drunk people. Potato, potatoes, fire ze shot.
How do you help a depressed kid face their fears... You count to 3 and say jump?
Why do 911 jokes always fail?
They always crash and burn!
Children should never run with scissors, and lesbians should never scissor with the runs.
What was going through the student's heads during a school shooting?
Bullets.
What is red and puts out fire?
My car fell in a ditch today. Didn't want any more cars falling, so I put a car-pet over it.
What is it called when someone is a wheel chair and in a fire?
Answer: Hot wheels...
Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and swim in some shit. Jack forgot to bring some goggles and floaty, and now they have a daughter.
Secret: Jill didn’t go in the shit yet. Jack went in first and died! :D
What do you call blue and orange at the bottom of a pool?
A baby with flat armbands!
I was driving through a neighborhood when I saw a sign that said "Autistic Child Zone." Then I thought to myself, "Oh shit, that wasn't a dog!"
What's the #1 rule of kidnapping prevention?
Don't get carried away!
Why do women buy clothes from the kids section? Because rapists prey on the weak.
It's not bad that my car doesn't beep when reversing.
The screams of the passers-by are enough for me!
You're walking on the street when you realize that you're in the road as you feel the horn dying away.
So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.
What do you call a toddler lying in the middle of the road? Speed bump.
How do you get a depressed man out of the tree? You cut the rope.