Safety jokes

Why do I carry pepper spray?

Just in case of as-SAULT.

What's the #1 rule of kidnapping prevention?

Don't get carried away!

I went to kill Biden with poison water and mixed it with my finger, and then licked it. I passed out, and now I'm here.

What's yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of toddlers.

You were born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.

What do Americans call high school?

Shooting range.

I put on my hazmat suit, and grabbed my equipment, and said, "My time to shine!"

I gave a blind person a gun and said it was a hair dryer.

Me: Stops the quiet kid from getting bullied.

Him: Don't come to school tomorrow, trust me.

Me: "/"

Why did the pedo cross the road?

To get to the pre-school on the other side.

Not a joke, but this needs saying. Please can someone do something about all the pedo posts on here. It’s honestly just nasty.

What do pedophiles do when they wake up?

Turn on the child safety lock on the car.

What's yellow and can't swim?

A school bus full of kids drowning.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

Pedophile: You dropped your candy.

Girl: Thanks!

Pedophile stares as she slowly bends over to pick up her candy.

Pedophile: It looks a bit dirty, do you wanna come back to my house and get a new one?

Girl: How far is your house?

Pedophile: It's that white one right over there.

Girl: You mean that van next to a dumpster?

Pedophile: Yep, it's that one.

Girl:.... Sure! :P

Audience:.........Dumbass girl.

What’s the relationship between a pedophile and a light bulb? They're both meant for dark rooms.

What is the best type of snake?

A dead one.

How do pedophiles get kids to suck their d**k?

They spray paint it like candy 🍬.

Holy fucking shit, Addison, watersharky, Gwen, and all of you other cringelords, I swear to God if I hear one more thing about "please be kind, no bullying on the internet," I will actually shoot my local school.

You may not know, since you are only 8 years old or whatever, but the world is not kind. It’s full of sick people out to beat others, and the only way to stay safe is to beat them. So even if you think you are spreading kindness, it’s just gonna make you a target. So just stfu and keep your "please be kind" messages to yourselves.

When a stranger keeps telling kids to kill themselves AKA the Stigg.