Safety jokes
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)
Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?
RCXD.
Keep yourself safe!
Boyfriend: "Babe, are you traffic police?"
Girlfriend: "No."
Boyfriend: "Then why do you shout at me for not wearing a helmet?"
Q: What did the stop light say to the other stop light?
A: Stop looking, I’m changing!
Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.
What do Americans call high school?
A shooting range.
I didn’t know how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.
I was riding a bike with no helmet. I went and went with no helmet until... I broke my head with no helmet on!
Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:
"What advice do you have for people out there?"
As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.
Why do so many kids die in school shootings? Because you're not allowed to run in the corridors.
I will never forget my grandpa's last words, Hold the ladder!
If you're pro-life, I hope you get hit by a bus today!
911 what's your emergency?
"Burning in toaster."
"Toast?"
"Yeah so your calling 911 because of burnt toast?"
"Set fire to my forest!"
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair on fire?
Hot wheels.