Safety jokes
I will never forget my grandpa's last words, Hold the ladder!
If you're pro-life, I hope you get hit by a bus today!
What do you call an autistic kid in a school shooting?
Target practice.
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)
What do you call a paraplegic stuck in a tower?
In trouble!
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.
"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."
I've got a job defusing landmines.
It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.
I didn’t know how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.
I was riding a bike with no helmet. I went and went with no helmet until... I broke my head with no helmet on!
Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:
"What advice do you have for people out there?"
As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.
911 what's your emergency?
"Burning in toaster."
"Toast?"
"Yeah so your calling 911 because of burnt toast?"
"Set fire to my forest!"
I'm such a good babysitter because the last person I babysat was so flat.
What's the difference between a speed bump and a road kill?
About 40 mph.
Why do so many kids die in school shootings? Because you're not allowed to run in the corridors.
What do Americans call high school?
A shooting range.
Q: What did the stop light say to the other stop light?
A: Stop looking, I’m changing!
Boyfriend: "Babe, are you traffic police?"
Girlfriend: "No."
Boyfriend: "Then why do you shout at me for not wearing a helmet?"