Safety jokes
Me: Stops the quiet kid from getting bullied.
Him: Don't come to school tomorrow, trust me.
Me: "/"
When the speedbump in a school zone screams, so you go faster.
Why does the Please Touch Museum sound like "police touch museum?"
Because they gotta watch out for the pedos.
What keeps an emo kid from hitting the ground?
The rope.
A girl walks into an Adult Store. "Hi, I want to buy that red dildo right there."
Cashier: "That's a fire extinguisher, you whore."
Man I hate it when companies do this crap, now you can't commit toaster bath anymore
How do you stop a baby from drowning? pt. 2
-Harpoon it.
When you're the only one nice to the quiet kid.
Kid: "I like you... don't go to school tomorrow."
Never buy an epileptic kid light-up Sketchers.
According to all known laws of aviation,
there is no way a bee should be able to fly.
Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.
The bee, of course, flies anyway
because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.
Barry! Breakfast is ready!
Coming!
Hang on a second.
Hello?
- Barry? - Adam?
- Can you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up.
Looking sharp.
Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.
Sorry. I'm excited.
Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son.
A perfect report card, all B's.
Very proud.
Ma! I got a thing going here.
- You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me!
- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye!
Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house!
When you decide to turn your high school into your personal shooting range, but you don’t give any proper notice except for a bullet to the head...
True fact: School shooters aren’t dangerous to you if you're the school shooter.
There are women complaining about being r@ped.
JUST DON'T GO NEAR DARK ALLEYS WITH A SPORTS BRA ON. 😁
A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.
"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."
Why did the baby cross the road? The car seat wasn’t strapped in.
Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson has made a laudable, command decision to omit real firearms from his movie sets.
This being the case, he ought to produce, direct, and star in his next movie titled: “The Rubber Gun Squad!” 👌 😉
What could've the Towers done to not start 9/11?
Call 911.
What's the difference between a penis and a gun?
A child doesn't cry when a gun goes off in its mouth.
Yesterday during the storm, there was a blackout, so I shot him.
What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.
I went to the shooting range the other day. After a while, I realized I was the only one there. So, I decided to go home and saw on the news that there was a mass school shooting and there were reporters on the scene. Man, I knew I should have stayed around a little longer.