Safety jokes
Wait, 911 is the American emergency number...
Somebody shouts "Fire!"
Man 1: Get the children out!
Man 2: F*** the children!
Man 3: We don't have time!
I guess making 9/11 jokes at the airport is better than shouting "He's got a gun!" at the airport.
Did you hear about the boy who got raped by a group of women in the park whilst jogging? Now there are lots of male joggers in the area.
What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common? They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.
I replied I'd get ink poisoning.
Wouldn't recommend, the police came.
What is it called when someone is a wheel chair and in a fire?
Answer: Hot wheels...
I give props to pedophiles.
They always go slow in the school zones.
Are you a toaster?
'Cause I wanna take a bath with you.
Why did so many people die in the Grenfell Fire Disaster in London?
All the exit signs were in English.
Never buy an epileptic kid light-up Sketchers.
What do you call an autistic kid in a school shooting?
Target practice.
How do you get 500 drunk TTC people out? "Ah, on fire, a warning shot." "Uhhh sir, it's a M92 mortar." "Ah, just fire the shot!" Please get out before you get triggered from the pool and you have no clothes showing your nono parts. Oh wait, please get out of the pool drunk people. Potato, potatoes, fire ze shot.
What do you call a person in a wheelchair in a burning building?
Hot wheels! 😎
When you're the only one nice to the quiet kid.
Kid: "I like you... don't go to school tomorrow."
What do Americans call high school?
Shooting range.
What do you call a toddler lying in the middle of the road? Speed bump.
Why did the baby cross the road? The car seat wasn’t strapped in.
A 14 year old girl was walking back home late at night, then a man was following her. An hour later, she got back home not only had she lost the stranger, but also her virginity.
Why can't you run with a pencil in the hallway? Because too many people got killed!