Safety jokes
What’s worse than running with scissors?
Scissoring with the runs!
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.
"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."
LEO is the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
Memes
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair on fire?
Hot wheels.
I will never forget my grandpa's last words, Hold the ladder!
If you're pro-life, I hope you get hit by a bus today!
Why do so many kids die in school shootings? Because you're not allowed to run in the corridors.
I didn’t know how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.
A man and a child walk into a forest.
The kid says, "Um, sir, it's getting dark, and I'm getting kinda scared."
The man says, "Yeah, well, think how I feel. I have to walk back out alone."
What do visiting Goatman's Bridge and a bungee jumping accident have in common?
You hear a snap, and suddenly you're falling from a bridge.
Q: What did the stop light say to the other stop light?
A: Stop looking, I’m changing!
What's the difference between a speed bump and a road kill?
About 40 mph.
Say this to your significant other (or your weird friends!)
Are you an unsafe staircase? 'Cause you look like you could use a railing.
I was riding a bike with no helmet. I went and went with no helmet until... I broke my head with no helmet on!
Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:
"What advice do you have for people out there?"
As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.
Why did the man go across the train tracks to get to the other side?
911 what's your emergency?
"Burning in toaster."
"Toast?"
"Yeah so your calling 911 because of burnt toast?"
"Set fire to my forest!"
I'm such a good babysitter because the last person I babysat was so flat.