Safety jokes
What's the difference between a speed bump and a road kill?
About 40 mph.
Say this to your significant other (or your weird friends!)
Are you an unsafe staircase? 'Cause you look like you could use a railing.
I have always been scared of stairs; they're always up to something.
911 what's your emergency?
"Burning in toaster."
"Toast?"
"Yeah so your calling 911 because of burnt toast?"
"Set fire to my forest!"
I'm such a good babysitter because the last person I babysat was so flat.
I didn’t know how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.
Why do so many kids die in school shootings? Because you're not allowed to run in the corridors.
I will never forget my grandpa's last words, Hold the ladder!
I was riding a bike with no helmet. I went and went with no helmet until... I broke my head with no helmet on!
Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:
"What advice do you have for people out there?"
As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.
What did the traffic light say to the other?
🚦🚥🚦 Stop looking, I'm changing!
Why are Christmas trees banned at the mental hospital?
They would hang themselves like ornaments.
"Water exists."
Airport security: "What the fuck did you just say?"
True fact: School shooters aren’t dangerous to you if you're the school shooter.
What do visiting Goatman's Bridge and a bungee jumping accident have in common?
You hear a snap, and suddenly you're falling from a bridge.
A man and a child walk into a forest.
The kid says, "Um, sir, it's getting dark, and I'm getting kinda scared."
The man says, "Yeah, well, think how I feel. I have to walk back out alone."
If you kayak with a cap on and the kayak capsizes, whether or not the cap falls off depends on the cap size.
Well, we started off by ripping up ALL of the decking.
Abandon ship!
Imagine you go to school, right? You hit the curve, the bus driver be like, "Ahhh, how do I stop the bus?" Students from the bus jump from the windows. One of the students: "That's a YOU problem."
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.