Safety jokes
What's the difference between a speed bump and a road kill?
About 40 mph.
911 what's your emergency?
"Burning in toaster."
"Toast?"
"Yeah so your calling 911 because of burnt toast?"
"Set fire to my forest!"
I'm such a good babysitter because the last person I babysat was so flat.
I was riding a bike with no helmet. I went and went with no helmet until... I broke my head with no helmet on!
Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:
"What advice do you have for people out there?"
As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.
Memes
Why did the man go across the train tracks to get to the other side?
I didn’t know how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.
Why do so many kids die in school shootings? Because you're not allowed to run in the corridors.
I have always been scared of stairs; they're always up to something.
Good Lord, any tips on how to kidnap children? I say, "Free candy," and they run.
Why did the kid cross the road?
Because he wasn't wearing his seat belt! 😂
Say this to your significant other (or your weird friends!)
Are you an unsafe staircase? 'Cause you look like you could use a railing.
"Water exists."
Airport security: "What the fuck did you just say?"
True fact: School shooters aren’t dangerous to you if you're the school shooter.
What do visiting Goatman's Bridge and a bungee jumping accident have in common?
You hear a snap, and suddenly you're falling from a bridge.
What is a paedo's favourite time of year?
Halloween because they get free delivery.
Imagine you go to school, right? You hit the curve, the bus driver be like, "Ahhh, how do I stop the bus?" Students from the bus jump from the windows. One of the students: "That's a YOU problem."
Q: What did the stop light say to the other stop light?
A: Stop looking, I’m changing!
If you kayak with a cap on and the kayak capsizes, whether or not the cap falls off depends on the cap size.
A man and a child walk into a forest.
The kid says, "Um, sir, it's getting dark, and I'm getting kinda scared."
The man says, "Yeah, well, think how I feel. I have to walk back out alone."