Safety jokes
I never do dark jokes, but when I feel like it, I prefer orphan jokes, 'cause they're the safest option. I mean, what are they gonna do, call their parents?
What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children.
Why can't orphans cross roads?
They don't have a parent to hold hands with.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
I drove through a school zone and found out you can drag a speed bump 😬.
A young teen was walking home from school and having a nice day.
She gets home, eats, showers, and heads to her room. The young teen hears her mother say something. Not sure what she said, the girl replies with "ok."
The young teen was gonna head to bed, wondering when her mom was gonna come in and say goodnight. She lays in bed, but then she hears her mom's voice say, "Hunny, I'm home." She doesn't bother to say ok.
Later, when she decides to sleep, she gets a message from her mom saying to unlock the door, that she lost her keys. :)
I saw a sign that said, "Falling Rocks." I tried it, and it doesn't.
I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.
What’s the difference between a child and someone who has been kidnapped?
One of them is a domesticated pet.
What do you get when you mix a white guy and a fire?
A firecracker.
I went out for a drive and attempted to drift on the road. It didn't end well for me, or for the speed bumps I hit.
Wait, there aren't any road bumps.
O h s h i t.
What's the difference between soccer and a dead baby?
I don't wear steel cap boots when I play soccer.
When you go to a baseball game and they say, "Heads up!" and you put your head up, and the ball hits you in the head.
5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
Q. What's the difference between a Kevlar vest and a CEO?
A. The CEO isn't bulletproof.
Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.
What do babies and explosives have in common?
They both make a noise when you throw them.
I will remember my brother's last words: if you can't put a fork in a toaster, how about a spoon?
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Q. What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?
A. A seatbelt.