Safety jokes

When a 68 year old teacher says: "I am going to tackle an intruder if I have to!"

Me: "Oh hell nah"

Don't turn the toaster sideways, worst mistake of my life.

What's the best part of a terrorist on Fourth of July?

The finale.

I'd rate the pilot a 9/11.

When you let the school shooter borrow your pen so he doesn't kill you.

Everyone, just as a warning, stay AWAY from Akeld!

What would you do if you see a guy suffocating from the heat? I would call and dial 911, holy shit!

Dad: Where is my son?

Son: Come join me with musical chairs, except we stand on them.

Dad: Ok, so do we put this round our neck?

Son: YES!

Mum: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

Who robs and breaks into people's houses?

Why can't orphans go outside?

Because they have no parents to watch them!

Why can't orphans cross roads?

They don't have a parent to hold hands with.

Vital information: if you find a stray dog in an alleyway, don't stare at its eyes.

Why did the boy not cross the road?

Because he was on thin ice.

The toaster, otherwise the perfect bath bomb.

When you lock the door, but you realize it's a pull open door!

An anti-bullying PSA and speeding PSA from the same creator meet one another.

The death toll went sky high.

Family is precious, so you have to keep them away from the sunlight.

Yesterday a woman stabbed me, so I stabbed her back. Then I realized she was the vaccine woman.

What is the good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in school zones.

Why did the Irishman use three condoms? To be sure, to be sure, to be sure!