Safety jokes
Family is precious, so you have to keep them away from the sunlight.
Yesterday a woman stabbed me, so I stabbed her back. Then I realized she was the vaccine woman.
When a 68 year old teacher says: "I am going to tackle an intruder if I have to!"
Me: "Oh hell nah"
Don't turn the toaster sideways, worst mistake of my life.
What's the best part of a terrorist on Fourth of July?
The finale.
Memes
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Cause he would never look both ways.
I'd rate the pilot a 9/11.
Why can't weapons play baseball?
Because they need to get to home base.
What do you call a gay kid on fire?
You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
Everyone, just as a warning, stay AWAY from Akeld!
Who robs and breaks into people's houses?
Why can't orphans go outside?
Because they have no parents to watch them!
Dad: Where is my son?
Son: Come join me with musical chairs, except we stand on them.
Dad: Ok, so do we put this round our neck?
Son: YES!
Mum: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
What is the good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in school zones.
Why did the Irishman use three condoms? To be sure, to be sure, to be sure!
What would you do if you see a guy suffocating from the heat? I would call and dial 911, holy shit!
What did the other traffic cone say to the other?
"Look away, I'm changing!"
Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?
Because it was made by the same company that made their life decisions.
Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?
Because it realized it had a better chance of survival without them.