Why can't weapons play baseball?
Because they need to get to home base.
Safety Jokes
What do you call a gay kid on fire?
You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
Everyone, just as a warning, stay AWAY from Akeld!
Who robs and breaks into people's houses?
Why can't orphans go outside?
Because they have no parents to watch them!
Dad: Where is my son?
Son: Come join me with musical chairs, except we stand on them.
Dad: Ok, so do we put this round our neck?
Son: YES!
Mum: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
What is the good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in school zones.
Why did the Irishman use three condoms? To be sure, to be sure, to be sure!
What would you do if you see a guy suffocating from the heat? I would call and dial 911, holy shit!
What did the other traffic cone say to the other?
"Look away, I'm changing!"
Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?
Because it was made by the same company that made their life decisions.
Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?
Because it realized it had a better chance of survival without them.
Why did the skydiver bring a backup parachute?
In case the first one wanted to "cut ties" with them mid-air.
Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.
Why are clips 30 rounds? Because that's the average class size.
Why did the rapper bring a parachute to the concert?
In case he had to drop some BOMBS.
Why is bungee jumping similar to a condom?
Because if the rubber snaps, you're fucked.
Yo mama so stupid, she put airbags on her computer in case it crashed.
Why couldn't people have their phone on airplane mode during 9/11?
Because their phone exploded the towers.
