Safety jokes
Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:
"What advice do you have for people out there?"
As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.
I was riding a bike with no helmet. I went and went with no helmet until... I broke my head with no helmet on!
What do Americans call high school?
A shooting range.
Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.
Boyfriend: "Babe, are you traffic police?"
Girlfriend: "No."
Boyfriend: "Then why do you shout at me for not wearing a helmet?"
True fact: School shooters aren’t dangerous to you if you're the school shooter.
Say this to your significant other (or your weird friends!)
Are you an unsafe staircase? 'Cause you look like you could use a railing.
I have always been scared of stairs; they're always up to something.
"Water exists."
Airport security: "What the fuck did you just say?"
Q: What did the stop light say to the other stop light?
A: Stop looking, I’m changing!
If you kayak with a cap on and the kayak capsizes, whether or not the cap falls off depends on the cap size.
A man and a child walk into a forest.
The kid says, "Um, sir, it's getting dark, and I'm getting kinda scared."
The man says, "Yeah, well, think how I feel. I have to walk back out alone."
What did the traffic light say to the other?
🚦🚥🚦 Stop looking, I'm changing!
Why are Christmas trees banned at the mental hospital?
They would hang themselves like ornaments.
What do visiting Goatman's Bridge and a bungee jumping accident have in common?
You hear a snap, and suddenly you're falling from a bridge.
I was walking home, then I saw a "Wait" sign. A man came and took me. I'm still waiting for him to ask for a lesson.
Well, we started off by ripping up ALL of the decking.
Abandon ship!
Imagine you go to school, right? You hit the curve, the bus driver be like, "Ahhh, how do I stop the bus?" Students from the bus jump from the windows. One of the students: "That's a YOU problem."
Well, I didn’t get as high as I wanted to, but I’m high enough that if I fall I’d probably break something.
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.