Safety jokes

Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:

"What advice do you have for people out there?"

As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.

What do you call a paraplegic stuck in a tower?

In trouble!

When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.

What do you call an autistic kid in a school shooting?

Target practice.

911 what's your emergency?

"Burning in toaster."

"Toast?"

"Yeah so your calling 911 because of burnt toast?"

"Set fire to my forest!"

What do you call a guy in a wheelchair on fire?

Hot wheels.

I've got a job defusing landmines.

It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.

Why does the Please Touch Museum sound like "police touch museum?"

Because they gotta watch out for the pedos.

What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?

RCXD.

Keep yourself safe!

What’s the difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?

Nothing; no one cares how much lead is in the kids.

Why are clips 30 rounds? Because that's the average class size.

Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!

Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."

LEO is the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

How to make a baby make funny faces?

Put it feet first in a blender.

There are 4 people on a plane while it's crashing and there are only 3 parachutes. There's Opera, Obama, a little girl, and Trump. Opera grabs a parachute and says, "I'm famous, I get one!" And Trump grabs one and says, "Well, I'm president, of course I get one!" Obama looks at the little girl and says, "Since you're the future of our generation, take the last one." The little girl hugs Obama and says, "Actually, we can both have one. Trump took my backpack!"

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. Their names were Johony and Papa.

All of the sudden, Johony passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies “My son just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”