Safety jokes

Good Lord, any tips on how to kidnap children? I say, "Free candy," and they run.

Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.

Boyfriend: "Babe, are you traffic police?"

Girlfriend: "No."

Boyfriend: "Then why do you shout at me for not wearing a helmet?"

What do Americans call high school?

A shooting range.

If you kayak with a cap on and the kayak capsizes, whether or not the cap falls off depends on the cap size.

What did the traffic light say to the other?

🚦🚥🚦 Stop looking, I'm changing!

True fact: School shooters aren’t dangerous to you if you're the school shooter.

"Water exists."

Airport security: "What the fuck did you just say?"

Well, we started off by ripping up ALL of the decking.

Abandon ship!

Imagine you go to school, right? You hit the curve, the bus driver be like, "Ahhh, how do I stop the bus?" Students from the bus jump from the windows. One of the students: "That's a YOU problem."

I was walking home, then I saw a "Wait" sign. A man came and took me. I'm still waiting for him to ask for a lesson.

Well, I didn’t get as high as I wanted to, but I’m high enough that if I fall I’d probably break something.

Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.

I made sure it didn't outsmart me.

What’s the difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?

Nothing; no one cares how much lead is in the kids.

Why are clips 30 rounds? Because that's the average class size.

LEO is the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

Why are Christmas trees banned at the mental hospital?

They would hang themselves like ornaments.

How to make a baby make funny faces?

Put it feet first in a blender.

There are 4 people on a plane while it's crashing and there are only 3 parachutes. There's Opera, Obama, a little girl, and Trump. Opera grabs a parachute and says, "I'm famous, I get one!" And Trump grabs one and says, "Well, I'm president, of course I get one!" Obama looks at the little girl and says, "Since you're the future of our generation, take the last one." The little girl hugs Obama and says, "Actually, we can both have one. Trump took my backpack!"

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. Their names were Johony and Papa.

All of the sudden, Johony passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies “My son just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”