Safety jokes
I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and I'm not gonna die the same way.
Why can't orphans go on vacation?
The last time they did, they fell in the toilet and had no one to help them out. Ugh!
Why are Christmas trees banned at the mental hospital?
They would hang themselves like ornaments.
Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:
"What advice do you have for people out there?"
As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.
Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
Okay, so turns out the toasters are not waterproof...
Why is Stephen Hawking a bad influence on children?
Because he only looks one way when crossing the road.
My friend died by a truck, why can't I get run over?
"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."
Hey guys, I have a question.
Doesn't everyone's parents tell them don't take candy from strangers? Then what is Halloween?
What do you get when you cross a pedophile and an elementary school? Predator 3.
If you drink hand sanitizer, does it only kill 99.9% of you?...........💀
Kid: "Mom, what happened to Jim?"
Mom: "He got inside a white van."
What’s yellow and can’t swim?
A bus full of children.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
What's yellow and can't swim? A school bus full of orphans.
How do you make a blow job OSHA compliant? You add a railing!
Do you think when the Secret Service heard the gunshot they were like, "Donald Duck"?
I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.