Safety jokes

Well, we started off by ripping up ALL of the decking.

Abandon ship!

I was walking home, then I saw a "Wait" sign. A man came and took me. I'm still waiting for him to ask for a lesson.

Well, I didn’t get as high as I wanted to, but I’m high enough that if I fall I’d probably break something.

I just prevented a 10-year-old from getting assaulted.

Nothing much, I just decided to go home.

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

What’s the difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?

Nothing; no one cares how much lead is in the kids.

What do you call a paraplegic stuck in a tower?

In trouble!

When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!

Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

What’s worse than running with scissors?

Scissoring with the runs!

What do you call an autistic kid in a school shooting?

Target practice.

Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.

"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."

What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?

RCXD.

Keep yourself safe!

Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.

I made sure it didn't outsmart me.

Why are clips 30 rounds? Because that's the average class size.

LEO is the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

When 9/11 happened, we changed our airport policies. When school shootings happen, we haven't changed anything since the shooting at Columbine in 1999. And we say we want the children to be safe.

How to make a baby make funny faces?

Put it feet first in a blender.