Safety jokes
Why did the chicken cro-
UM, ACTUALLY, THE CHICKEN CAN'T CROSS THE ROAD UNLESS IT'S UNDER SOME ROOSTER OR HEN SUPERVISION OR ELSE THE CAR WILL CRASH THE CHICKEN, AND THEY WILL DIE. 🤓
Friend: Why did you touch me?
Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.
Why do women buy clothes from the kids section? Because rapists prey on the weak.
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by a few inches and you’re in deep shit.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and swim in some shit. Jack forgot to bring some goggles and floaty, and now they have a daughter.
Secret: Jill didn’t go in the shit yet. Jack went in first and died! :D
Memes
What do you call people who jumped in the dam?
A dam fool.
Are you a fire alarm because you're loud and annoying?
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
What is yellow and can’t swim?
A school bus full of children.
Okay, so turns out the toasters are not waterproof...
Q: What did I find on my son's search history?
A: Where is the nearest gun shop?
I've got a job defusing landmines.
It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.
Why does the Please Touch Museum sound like "police touch museum?"
Because they gotta watch out for the pedos.
Keep yourself safe!
What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?
RCXD.
What do you call a paraplegic stuck in a tower?
In trouble!
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)
I just prevented a 10-year-old from getting assaulted.
Nothing much, I just decided to go home.
What do you call an autistic kid in a school shooting?
Target practice.