Safety jokes
What do pedophiles do when they wake up?
Turn on the child safety lock on the car.
A girl walks into an Adult Store. "Hi, I want to buy that red dildo right there."
Cashier: "That's a fire extinguisher, you whore."
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd get in the van if I were you...
How can a pimp save money in buying condoms for his stable?
Answer: Have his hoes wash and rinse them after every use.
Why is Stephen Hawking a bad influence on children?
Because he only looks one way when crossing the road.
What's the first thing that a battered woman does when she gets out of the shelter?
My last if she knows what's good for her.
What is the good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in school zones.
I was going 80 in a school zone and the speed bump was screaming.
I've got a job defusing landmines.
It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.
When the school lets you near children again...
What's the difference between a bridge and a burrito?
I can't jump off a burrito.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
Why did the kid go in the guy's van?
Answer: He thought he was being adopted.
Roses are red,
my life is a disaster,
the children are fast,
but the combine is F A S T E R!
Why do I carry pepper spray?
Just in case of as-SAULT.
5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.
What is the best type of bath bomb? A toaster.
Best not leave hungry kids unattended!
School's being safe.