Safety jokes

Wait, 911 is the American emergency number...

I went to kill Biden with poison water and mixed it with my finger, and then licked it. I passed out, and now I'm here.

Friend: Why did you touch me?

Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.

What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?

Miss by a few inches and you’re in deep shit.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and swim in some shit. Jack forgot to bring some goggles and floaty, and now they have a daughter.

Secret: Jill didn’t go in the shit yet. Jack went in first and died! :D

Are you a fire alarm because you're loud and annoying?

What do you call people who jumped in the dam?

A dam fool.

Why do women buy clothes from the kids section? Because rapists prey on the weak.

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.

He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.

A stone’s throw away, in fact.

Okay, so turns out the toasters are not waterproof...

What is yellow and can’t swim?

A school bus full of children.

Q: What did I find on my son's search history?

A: Where is the nearest gun shop?

Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.

Boyfriend: "Babe, are you traffic police?"

Girlfriend: "No."

Boyfriend: "Then why do you shout at me for not wearing a helmet?"

Q: What did the stop light say to the other stop light?

A: Stop looking, I’m changing!

I'm such a good babysitter because the last person I babysat was so flat.

I will never forget my grandpa's last words, Hold the ladder!

If you're pro-life, I hope you get hit by a bus today!

Why do so many kids die in school shootings? Because you're not allowed to run in the corridors.

I didn’t know how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.