Safety jokes
What is it called when someone is in a wheelchair and in a fire?
Hot Wheels...
What do you call a criminal?
Disarmed and dangerous.
A man ate a glue stick. It tasted bad. He died. Hahahahah!
A priest and Rabbi run out of the orphanage.
Priest: "How the hell did that fire start?"
Rabbi: "I don't know, but what about the children?"
Priest: "Fuck the children."
Rabbi: "Do we have time?"
Priest: "There's always time for something like that."
What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of kids.
I went to kill Biden with poison water and mixed it with my finger, and then licked it. I passed out, and now I'm here.
Friend: Why did you touch me?
Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.
Why do women buy clothes from the kids section? Because rapists prey on the weak.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and swim in some shit. Jack forgot to bring some goggles and floaty, and now they have a daughter.
Secret: Jill didn’t go in the shit yet. Jack went in first and died! :D
What do you call people who jumped in the dam?
A dam fool.
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by a few inches and you’re in deep shit.
Are you a fire alarm because you're loud and annoying?
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
Okay, so turns out the toasters are not waterproof...
What is yellow and can’t swim?
A school bus full of children.
Q: What did I find on my son's search history?
A: Where is the nearest gun shop?
LEO is the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
What’s the difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?
Nothing; no one cares how much lead is in the kids.
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)