Safety jokes
What do you call a criminal?
Disarmed and dangerous.
A priest and Rabbi run out of the orphanage.
Priest: "How the hell did that fire start?"
Rabbi: "I don't know, but what about the children?"
Priest: "Fuck the children."
Rabbi: "Do we have time?"
Priest: "There's always time for something like that."
Why did the chicken cro-
UM, ACTUALLY, THE CHICKEN CAN'T CROSS THE ROAD UNLESS IT'S UNDER SOME ROOSTER OR HEN SUPERVISION OR ELSE THE CAR WILL CRASH THE CHICKEN, AND THEY WILL DIE. 🤓
I went to kill Biden with poison water and mixed it with my finger, and then licked it. I passed out, and now I'm here.
What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of kids.
Wait, 911 is the American emergency number...
Friend: Why did you touch me?
Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.
What do you call people who jumped in the dam?
A dam fool.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and swim in some shit. Jack forgot to bring some goggles and floaty, and now they have a daughter.
Secret: Jill didn’t go in the shit yet. Jack went in first and died! :D
Are you a fire alarm because you're loud and annoying?
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by a few inches and you’re in deep shit.
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
Why do women buy clothes from the kids section? Because rapists prey on the weak.
Okay, so turns out the toasters are not waterproof...
What is yellow and can’t swim?
A school bus full of children.
Q: What did I find on my son's search history?
A: Where is the nearest gun shop?
Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.
Boyfriend: "Babe, are you traffic police?"
Girlfriend: "No."
Boyfriend: "Then why do you shout at me for not wearing a helmet?"
What do Americans call high school?
A shooting range.
Q: What did the stop light say to the other stop light?
A: Stop looking, I’m changing!