Are you a fire alarm because you're loud and annoying?
Safety Jokes
Okay, so turns out the toasters are not waterproof...
What is yellow and can’t swim?
A school bus full of children.
Q: What did I find on my son's search history?
A: Where is the nearest gun shop?
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair on fire?
Hot wheels.
I've got a job defusing landmines.
It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.
Why does the Please Touch Museum sound like "police touch museum?"
Because they gotta watch out for the pedos.
I will never forget my grandpa's last words, Hold the ladder!
If you're pro-life, I hope you get hit by a bus today!
Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.
Boyfriend: "Babe, are you traffic police?"
Girlfriend: "No."
Boyfriend: "Then why do you shout at me for not wearing a helmet?"
What do Americans call high school?
A shooting range.
Why are Christmas trees banned at the mental hospital?
They would hang themselves like ornaments.
What did the traffic light say to the other?
🚦🚥🚦 Stop looking, I'm changing!
What's the difference between a speed bump and a road kill?
About 40 mph.
911 what's your emergency?
"Burning in toaster."
"Toast?"
"Yeah so your calling 911 because of burnt toast?"
"Set fire to my forest!"
I'm such a good babysitter because the last person I babysat was so flat.
I was riding a bike with no helmet. I went and went with no helmet until... I broke my head with no helmet on!
Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:
"What advice do you have for people out there?"
As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.
Why did the man go across the train tracks to get to the other side?
