Safety jokes
What is it called when someone is in a wheelchair and in a fire?
Hot Wheels...
A priest and Rabbi run out of the orphanage.
Priest: "How the hell did that fire start?"
Rabbi: "I don't know, but what about the children?"
Priest: "Fuck the children."
Rabbi: "Do we have time?"
Priest: "There's always time for something like that."
What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of kids.
Friend: Why did you touch me?
Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.
Why do women buy clothes from the kids section? Because rapists prey on the weak.
Memes
Halloween meme 🎃🎃🎃
Are you a fire alarm because you're loud and annoying?
What do you call people who jumped in the dam?
A dam fool.
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by a few inches and you’re in deep shit.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and swim in some shit. Jack forgot to bring some goggles and floaty, and now they have a daughter.
Secret: Jill didn’t go in the shit yet. Jack went in first and died! :D
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
Okay, so turns out the toasters are not waterproof...
What is yellow and can’t swim?
A school bus full of children.
Q: What did I find on my son's search history?
A: Where is the nearest gun shop?
What’s the difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?
Nothing; no one cares how much lead is in the kids.
Why are clips 30 rounds? Because that's the average class size.
LEO is the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
What do you call a paraplegic stuck in a tower?
In trouble!
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."