Relationship jokes

My sister said I'm stupid today, and she's the one who wrote this.

What's the difference between a man's wife and his dog?

Lock them both in the trunk for three hours and see which is happy to see you when you open it.

Best chick ever.

Call me at 6969696969.

I heard my neighbors having sex, and it was annoying me, so I called my girlfriend to ask if she wanted to go out, but when I called her, I heard my neighbors' phone ringing.

"We make sexy time, yes, and every night I tap that."

And I blame it on the al-al-al-cohol, but if I were you, I wouldn’t kiss your mom on the mouth at all.

That's cringe, bro. The ex weas pisitive.

What's the smallest stick in the world?

Your man's dick.

"I love you." "You too, I love you!" 😍

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

"When I heard that not arguing or fighting in a relationship represents a lack of interest, that's when my girlfriend started missing her makeup box."

I asked my sister to say something.

She said, "No."

That's what I like to hear.

You text someone to ask them why they snobbed you. Then they snob you again.

I asked my dad to come to my Father’s Day breakfast.

The orphanage worker just said, “Don’t be silly!”

My dad came out of my step-sister's room as I came out of my step-mum's room.

A man wakes up and asks his wife, “Are you okay? You were cursing me all night in your sleep.” The wife replies, “Who says I was sleeping?”

A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk.

His wife was up waiting for him.

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled.

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

My best friend was recently gunned down in a drive-by shooting and died a virgin, but he wasn’t buried one.

I tripped over my wife’s bra. It was a booby trap!

My father told me to always carry a women's bag, but I don't know why he called the cops on me when I helped Mom's bag when we went parachuting. :(