My wife told me to pass her some chapstick, but then I realized she hasn’t talked to me in a month, then remembering I gave her super glue.........ehh I’m done with her big ass mouth.
Guys, my girlfriend calls me: "911, help! There’s a strange man in my room and I think he’s on drugs!"
She’s so nice.
What do a Rubik's cube and a dick have in common? The more you play with them, the harder they get.
Bully: My mom says I'm not allowed to burn trash.
Me: (quiet)
Bully: HEY I'M TALKING TO YOU.
Me: Are you talking to yourself? Because I was listening to music until I heard you.
Me: Spell "I cup."
My Friend: I see you pee.
Me: BOII YOU BETTER GIVE MEH SOME PRIVACY IN MY BATH ROOM!!!!
My Friend: Oh hehe O-O
Why can't orphans have sex? Because they have no one to call "daddy."
Knock, knock.
Who is there?
Your Nan.
WHAT? MY NAN IS DEAD!
What did the female rapper say when her boyfriend pulled his pants down and exposed his huge balls?
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie!”
Why do orphans love Dom Toretto?
Because "family is everything!"
My wife slept with another man and got pregnant. She told me 9 weeks later. I said it's ok and told her let's talk downstairs, so I pushed her down the stairs.
Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."
Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.
What has two legs, two arms, one dead and covered in red?
My ex-wife.
What borders on stupidity?
Scotland and the EU.
My friend misspelled "Mexico" and got here.
He sucked his sister's poop hole.
Does it make me gay if I kiss your dad and he decides to drill my ass?
What's the difference between my wife and her sisters?
Her sisters ate hotter, and I married the grenade.
Ur dad is gay!
Omg! I didn't mean that. Please don't tell ur mom.
I'm so so so sry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
A guy says to his dog, "Where are you?" The dog was actually dead, bro.
Knock knock. Who's there? Jo. Jo who? Jo Auntie.
What do you call skeletons having sex?
When the relationship is dead, but you're still fucking.
