Relationship jokes
A girl did squats everyday with a 20 pound weight in her hand to finally text her boyfriend, "Show me your dick now!"
Family is precious, so you have to keep them away from the sunlight.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one.
She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”
What do you call an orphan selfie?
A family photo.
"I want to kill my family."
-realizes-
Memes
Mans Down Bad
My girlfriend told me that she wonders what our kids will look like.
No, they will be wondering what I look like.
When I died, my friend said he'd cover me.
One time, a man got mad at me because I was hitting on his girlfriend. Like come on, man, it was only a couple of bruises!
You are like a thunderstorm; when you go away, like your dad, everyone is happy.
Me: Where's your mom?
Kid: [cries]
Me: [leaving from the adoption center]
Why are you guys making fun of priests?
Because you have a suga daddy already.
My gf told me I have to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.
The thing my mom birthed.
In America, mom births you.
In Soviet Russia, you birth mom.
What’s the difference between a dad and a boomerang? The boomerang comes back.
What does a beaten woman do when she comes home from the hospital?
Dishes if she knows what's good for her health.
How does an orphan call his parents?
"..."
What did Vegeta say to Bulma?
What?
Can I show you my new move? It's called BIG BANG ATTACKKKK! :)
When you tell her you are about to "COME," she says no, don't, please just keep going.
Shenron: THAT IS BEYOND MY POWER.
My crush's best friend came up to me and called me my crush's dog 🐕, so then I say, "Wow, you're an ass for calling me a bitch." He then looks at me wide-eyed, and I just walk away.