Relationship jokes

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.

What's the difference between sex and gender?

You can't have gender with your sister.

I love you, Tina!

I have MP3s on my computer that are older than Johnny Depp's new significant other.

My mom showed me that she could deep throat a banana. I asked my mom how you know how to do that. My mom said, "I practice on your new stepfather."

There’s no "I" in "sex," but there’s a "U" in "cum."

What do my wife and dinner have in common? They are both vegetables.

Why did Stephen Hawking's wife get annoyed with him?

He had an affair with Alexa.

Fishing is like sex: when it is great, it is great; when it is not so great, it is still great!

What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both meat substitutes.

My love for you is like poop.

Whenever I feel you, I have to run to the toilet and flush you away.

So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.

Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."

And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"

Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"

My woman told me that she wants to have sex with me, and I said, "Let's go at it." She said, "Shut up and kiss me on all my pillows."

My friend thinks he is funny.

He told me that the only food that makes you cry is an onion, so I threw a coconut at him.

"I love you with all my heart."

My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.

The popular girl told me, "I bet your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory!"

Two weeks later, she shows up pregnant.

...

I guess her rubber broke too.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back...

She invited me in the house, and we started makin' out again.

I call my girlfriend .05 because she's a bag I blow into when I've had a few drinks.