Relationship jokes

Wife: Honey, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad. Wife: No, you’re not.

My wife is so fat. After sex, I rolled over twice. I was still on top of the bitch!

Your mum is so cute that I asked for her number and she said yes, and now we're dating.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered, "Y?"

Nothing makes a guy happier than when his girlfriend says, “Go and lock the door first...”

Q: What do you call a virgin from Alabama?

A: An orphan.

A woman walks out of the bathroom, winks at her husband and says, “I shaved down there; you know what that means.”

The husband responds, “Yeah, the drain is clogged.”

My girlfriend who is a Jehovah's Witness had sex with me so hard, she turned to Christianity.

What do Boy Scouts and IG models have in common?

They both be fucking sugar daddies.

About a month ago, I was at my best friend’s funeral and I told him, "Bitches always come and go." He looked at me kinda mad, kinda confused, and said, "That’s my mom, dude."

Why did my parents walk to the other side?

...Why?

My mom went to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.

Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.

What’s it called when an orphan takes a photo?

A family picture.

I suck Cyrus's dick when he is sleeping.

I lit my girlfriend on fire. I guess you could say I ignited her fire.

Mummy, how was I born?

Mummy replied, "Well, your father and I got married, and soon I became fat and you came out, and then in, out, in, out, and after you did that a million times, you were born."

Luke asks his friend, "How old is your father?"

James replied, "He's as old as me."

Luke then said, "It doesn't make any sense."

James then said, "He became my father when I was born."

My love for you is like poop.

Whenever I feel you, I have to run to the toilet and flush you away.

Do you know the phrase "One man's trash is another man's treasure?"

That's a horrible thing to find out when you're adopted.