Relationship jokes
When I self-harmed one day, my mother told me that it cut her deep. We both found that very amusing.
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.
The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.
With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
Blonde 1: Omg! Yesterday, I fucked a Brazilian!
Blonde 2: OMG YOU SLUT
Also Blonde 2: Wait, how much is a Brazilian?
The ones you hate most are also the ones who are by your side most.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not your parents.
Your mom's my dad. Think about that!
"Gwen, I want my boyfriend back!"
Me: Where's your mom?
Kid: [cries]
Me: [leaving from the adoption center]
What did the man say to his wife? "Make me a damn sandwich, woman!"
If you hit 9999 orphans and they all tell each other, are the other orphans their parents???
Let’s stick together!
If you are having sex and your feet are out of the tent, it doesn't count.
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!"
Q: What is the difference between two bottles of Whiskey and 2 pretty feminist girls?
A: You don't leave the bottles in the cold and dark forest after you and your 9 friends are finished with them.
What's the best part about having sex with 28 year olds? There are 20 of them.
The difference between women and beer is that beer makes you happy for nothing, why women make you angry for nothing.
Q: Why can't orphans be gay?
A: Because they don't have anyone they can call "Daddy."
What's the best thing about a blowjob?
- The silence.
Kidnapper: Hey kid, your mom told me to follow me.
Orphan: But I don't have a mom!
Like if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, or husband, or wife, or a crush.