All these oranges, but you're still the one for me.
One day Jack and Jill went up a hill. Jack got Jill drunk and horny, then took her to a hotel because Jack wanted to suck and lick her candy stick.
What do you call a simp, Adrian?
What do you call a gay friend?
Miguel Del Rosario Domingo.
Remember that 18 year old girl I set you up with?
Why not?
Too old.
What's the best part about having sex with twenty-seven year olds?
There's twenty of them!
Why did my dad leave me? Because I was a disappointment.
First Date: HE:"i work with animals every day!" SHE:"oh how sweet! what is it that you do?" HE:"I'm a butcher" SHE:"were through!"
Why did Johnny cry?
He was molested by his sister. Johnny enjoyed it, though.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I have a small dick. Too bad for her, because I give good sex.
I was talking to my old friend. They said, "We should hang out more!"
I said, "You mean we should ketchup?"
SHAENAYA WANTS TO SUCK EVERYBOYS DICK BESIDES MINE CAUSE SHE A THIRSTY HOE.
A guy walks into the house carrying a sheep and says out loud, "This is the pig I screw when you're on the rag."
His wife replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."
He says, "I was talking to the sheep."
Me: I’m going to get burrito 🌯
Friend: You can have my burrito baby.
Gay.
Friend: *begins to moan*
Me: Finna hang up.
I miss the good old days when you could have a light joke at someone else's expense. Like doing that marital rape thing, it never used to be called that. It used to be called "serving your husband" or "wifely duties". The real joke is that it was legal until 1990.
Why is that a joke?
Because it is piss funny seeing the look on her face when she wakes up in the middle of coitus.
Why is that a joke?
Dude, come on, you want to start your day off happy or not?
Why is that a joke?
She literally looks like she just seen a ghost and sort of flops about trying to fend you off like a rag doll. It's piss funny.
No seriously, dude, why is that a joke? It sounds more like a felony.
Why did Adam commit suicide? Andy went through the back door.
A bicurious man goes to a gay bar.
A gay man offers him a drink.
The bi man explains he doesn't know if he's gay or not.
"That's fine," he says, "let's just have a drink."
The gay man asks him for a dance, and he explains again he isn't sure if he's gay or not.
Eventually, the gay man invites him to go home with him to hang out as friends.
They get to his house, and the gay man says, "Do you fancy having sex?"
He isn't sure, so the gay man explains, "I'll push in slow, and at any point you want to stop, make animal sounds, and if you like it, start singing."
So they get to it, and the gay man pushes in slowly, the bi man bursts out "MOOOOO MOOOOO MOOOOOOVVVEE CCLOSSEEERRRR"
My boyfriend entered a retarded contest, but they said no because they don’t allow perfectionists.
I said to my wife that she's so ugly that she threw a boomerang and it never came back.
Cause she loves to toss the salad even though she ain’t a chef!
