Relationship jokes

My best friend was recently gunned down in a drive-by shooting and died a virgin, but he wasn’t buried one.

I tripped over my wife’s bra. It was a booby trap!

Hey there little mister, I'm dating your sister.

My father told me to always carry a women's bag, but I don't know why he called the cops on me when I helped Mom's bag when we went parachuting. :(

"When I heard that not arguing or fighting in a relationship represents a lack of interest, that's when my girlfriend started missing her makeup box."

My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.

The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"

Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"

Palestinians leave without saying goodbye.

Israel says goodbye when the Americans say so.

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

A man wakes up and asks his wife, “Are you okay? You were cursing me all night in your sleep.” The wife replies, “Who says I was sleeping?”

A guy gets home from work to see his girlfriend packing, and he asks her why she is packing. The girl says, "Because I found out you're a pedophile." The guy goes, "A pedophile?" And she says, "Yes." The guy goes, "That's a big word for a 12-year-old."

If a gay male is married to a well-endowed, physically challenged gay male that has been sleeping in bed for three hours nonstop, and he wants him to wake up so he can fix him his morning breakfast, how does he wake him up?

Wake up sleeping Jesus by giving him a blowjob.

My boyfriend always likes when I wear my fishnet sleeves. He says it looks great on me, but he doesn’t know that my skin is covered with scars... no one does. No one questions why I wear them everyday. I hope it stays like that because I can’t deal with my mom finding out that I still hurt myself.

Man: Why can't an orphan use Verizon?

Kid: Why?

Man: 'Cause they have a family plan.

Kid: Oh, then I need to switch phone services then.

Man: Why?

Kid: I'm an orphan.

Man: *laughs out loud* That's tough!

(You can tell the joke shortened by saying, "Why can't an orphan use Verizon? 'Cause they have a family plan.")

Your momma! OHHHHH!

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons.

"My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don’t succumb to his sexual advances, I would have to jump out of the plane."

And his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?"

The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

If she's not ready for an X-rated movie, she's not ready for this X-rated booty.

Is she saying, "Watch for red flags because he's toxic," or is he socialist?

Why did Playboi Carti’s partner complain about their love life? Because he kept repeating the same track and never reached the climax.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

My heart is dead.

I’m such a fool.

Why did I fall for you?