I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.
Relationship Jokes
So a kid was hanging out with his mom and this man comes up to him and said, "Hi, I'm your new dad." The kid did not think about it, and then he did and said, "But I already have a dad." The mom said, "That was not your real dad."
Do you know the teacher that went up into space?
You know what her husband said to her? "I will feed the dog; you feed the fish."
What did the kid say to the orphan?
"Well, at least I have parents!"
Friends, gather here.
Samantha, Josephine, Stevie, Jess, Alice, and Alex.
My wife said to me, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"
I said, "Where the fuck did that come from?!"
Katgod, can you get your girlfriend? She's messing with me, and I'm gonna hurt soon.
Freshfry, my friend, please talk to me!
"I LOVE YOU JACK!"
Why is Bill the bad guy?
Monica wanted to suck dick.
I can never get away from my dog, he follows me everywhere. I think you two would be really good friends.
Hey, what do you call a beta simp?
You call me the beta simp.
My jokes are like your dad, you only see them for a few days.
Are you an abstract manifestation of my childhood traumas and recent memories combined? 'Cause damn, you look like you came out of a dream!
Women say their baby daddies are trash like... woman, didn't he impregnate you and didn't he win your heart? I mean, he's not trash, you are!
Boy: "Why can't you get a family?"
Me: "Why can't you get a rope?"
Boy: "What do you mean?"
Friend and me: "We can show you."
Me: "I will tie the rope."
Friend: "I will push the chair."
Dad: I'll pay you 10 bucks for every day you don't tell a lie.
Next day:
Dad: Son, what's the ugliest thing you've ever seen?
Son: That ugly face of yours, go get a life, gosh, Dad, you're embarrassing.
The dad sulked for 3 whole years.
Proof that words really can hurt.
My girlfriend told me that she wonders what our kids will look like.
No, they will be wondering what I look like.
My best friend is an orphan, and we try to have sleepovers, but his parents never say yes.
One time, a man got mad at me because I was hitting on his girlfriend. Like come on, man, it was only a couple of bruises!
