Relationship jokes
A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."
My friend bought a Tom Holland blanket and I said, "Well, now you're sleeping with him."
People, when your lover cheats on you, do this!
1. Start a conversation. 2. Say, "What's that smell?" 3. They will smell around. 4. Say, "OMG, it's a b****," and walk away and ignore them.
Boy: "Why can't you get a family?"
Me: "Why can't you get a rope?"
Boy: "What do you mean?"
Friend and me: "We can show you."
Me: "I will tie the rope."
Friend: "I will push the chair."
What turns a girl on more than having sex with her?
When she finds out that you have a vibrator too.
A married woman asked her husband if he saw the future. The husband answered her, "I have no eye, dear."
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic, but I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Man and woman are having a discussion. The woman looks into the man's eyes and says, "Honey, you know how I like it when you walk up and stick it in . . . "
". . . but I love it when Bob walks up and sticks it in!"
Divorce is scheduled for next month.
Your hairline [is] so bad even your mama left you.
What is an orphan’s favorite game? Adopt me.
I wasn’t close to my dad when he died. It’s a good thing he stepped on a land mine.
I tried my best using phone sex online, but the thing about it is the holes cannot fit through.
If you get a divorce with your husband, does that still mean you’re siblings?
Oh, Mom, there is poop in the toilet still.
Mom: Oh, that was me and the dog.
Me: Wait, what????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
My girlfriend asked me to tell a joke. I told her to look in the mirror.
We never met again.
Why were you born?
Because I asked out your mom on accident.
Why did the orphan not have a girlfriend?
Because he thought that she would leave him too.
It's not my fault my cousin's hot ;) YEE YEE
LBB- me and Shrek built a theme park for you mummy and it’s called Dummy pee pee poo poo doo doo land because Shrek likes to poop.
Shrek- Should I pull the trap?
*LBB’s mom walks into the trap*
LBB and Shrek- surprise we’re mailing you to Peepoo Peepoo AB
What's the difference between a screw and a hooker? You can't unscrew the hooker.