Relationship jokes
I punched my mom for no freaking reason.
Girls' dreams: OMG, my crush kissed me!
Boys' dreams: I just got a dub, bro!
My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.
Chuck Norris is the only man that ever had sex with my wife and survived. Oh, how did I survive?
Fortunately, being her husband, I was the one person she wasn't fucking.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Why are orphan weddings so entertaining?
They get to walk themselves down the aisle.
How is sex like air?
It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.
A father came to his daughter's 18th birthday. He finally came.
A woman is lying in bed after making love to her lover. After a moment, she starts to roll over, and in the process, she realizes that the spent condom is still inside her.
Worried, she wakes up her lover. She asks, “What should we do about this?” To which he replies: “Who was it?”
People call my blind friend dumb sometimes.
She can't see the obvious.
Blood may be thicker than water, but yo mama is thicker than anything!
So this dude comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network.
The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can't cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can't f*ck."
Are you a border? 'Cause I can't get over you.
My mom gave my friend a blow job for good luck on his job interview, then my mom gave my other friend a blow job for his interview, and they both got the job. Now who needs good luck? Just ask my mom. My mom is a good luck charm.
The orphan also had to cry because the cartels called him "homie."
Once when I was 6, I had a massive crush on a girl in my grade. She liked me too, and we kissed under a tree.
Next day, same spot, but now she's pregnant. That stupid dad stole my girl!
Why can't orphans be gay?
'Cause they can't call anyone "Daddy."
"I work with animals," a man said on his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who works with animals. Where do you work?" "At the butcher shop!"
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest with a rabid wolf.
What is the orphan's version of a family portrait?
A selfie.