Relationship jokes

Tony's wife got a divorce from Tony. She said she wanted to be an independent woman.

Days later, Tony's wife had an accident. Guess who's crawling back for help. 💀

Why are orphan weddings so entertaining?

They get to walk themselves down the aisle.

I told my friends that are gay that my hairline's straighter than he will ever be.

An orphan came out of the closet to their parents as gay. Oh wait...

Can't have a smoke with my girl after sex, she's asthmatic.

Plus, she's too young to smoke.

What is the orphan's version of a family portrait?

A selfie.

Once when I was 6, I had a massive crush on a girl in my grade. She liked me too, and we kissed under a tree.

Next day, same spot, but now she's pregnant. That stupid dad stole my girl!

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest with a rabid wolf.

Little Johnny: Hey, Dad, are you finally back with the milk?

Dad: Yea, but it's expired, so I'm going back to the "milk store" and get more (and not come back for a couple more years). :)

You go up to a bar and say, "Hi." He doesn’t look at you. You keep saying, "Hi." He says, "What?" Then you realize that he is the one that you stole his lady from, but then he doesn’t give you any drink. You say, "Why?" He screams at you and then says, "YOU'RE FIVE!"

School Bully: How's your girlfriend? Oh wait, you don't have any!

Me: How's your parents? Oh wait, you don't have any! *Continues to burn down orphanage*

Why do orphans make the best girlfriends?

Because they don't need permission from their parents.

Women be like men should pay for first dates, then get mad when you do...

Hey Gwen, listen, I know you're on this app, fake or not. I love you either way. Please find this faker and finish her off for what she's done, real Gwen.

*You're a real best Gwen*

Are you a plane? Because I wanna be in control of you for a few hours.

I was digging in my backyard and found a chest of coins. I wanted to run inside and tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging in the backyard.

What does a blind man and your dick have in common?

They both can’t get up without a dog.

Official orgasm donor.

Your mama is so funny looking that when the doctor called her, he said, "Never visit me again. I hope you die!"

Babe, I'm breaking up with you.

Why? I'm turning 18 tomorrow.