Relationship jokes
"I work with animals," a man said on his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who works with animals. Where do you work?" "At the butcher shop!"
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest with a rabid wolf.
I told my friends that are gay that my hairline's straighter than he will ever be.
What is the orphan's version of a family portrait?
A selfie.
The orphan also had to cry because the cartels called him "homie."
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Dad!
Dad who?
*Silence*
I painted my dad white so he wouldn’t leave.
I like my girls like my coffee: Flat and white.
Women be like men should pay for first dates, then get mad when you do...
Are you a plane? Because I wanna be in control of you for a few hours.
What does a blind man and your dick have in common?
They both can’t get up without a dog.
Yo mama so fat, that’s why people don’t want to marry her, except for fat guys.
Little Johnny: Hey, Dad, are you finally back with the milk?
Dad: Yea, but it's expired, so I'm going back to the "milk store" and get more (and not come back for a couple more years). :)
Hey Gwen, listen, I know you're on this app, fake or not. I love you either way. Please find this faker and finish her off for what she's done, real Gwen.
*You're a real best Gwen*
Why do orphans make the best girlfriends?
Because they don't need permission from their parents.
Husband: Can we try anal tonight? Wife: Fuck that shit! Husband: That's the spirit!
School Bully: How's your girlfriend? Oh wait, you don't have any!
Me: How's your parents? Oh wait, you don't have any! *Continues to burn down orphanage*
Me to an orphan: If you had a penny for everyone who loved you, I don't think you'd have any.
The orphan: But why?
Me: Because if someone loved you, they wouldn't have thrown you out.
I was digging in my backyard and found a chest of coins. I wanted to run inside and tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging in the backyard.
What is the difference between an adopted kid and an orphan?
If you're adopted, you're actually wanted.