Relationship jokes

What did the stepbrother and stepsister do together?

Oof, mitosis!

Your mom has a bone to pick with me.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

His wife is dead.

My family is like a cactus; a bunch of pricks.

Pussy = drugs.

So, my friend's birthday is in a couple of days, and I was wondering what to get him.

He hangs out at my house a lot, so I suggested adoption papers.

I'm going to your mom's house. Can you help me, planet?

Spy: Hahaha.

Me: What?

Spy: Time to pick up your mother.

Me: Oh no....

My ex-wife still misses me...

BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!

Here's how to piss off all of North America.

All the United States is, is South Canadia.

What was the computer's best pickup line?

Nice bits!

What’s the relationship between a pedophile and a light bulb? They're both meant for dark rooms.

Ugh, don't you just hate it when you're having sex and your parents walk in the room and say, "No more dead babies for your mister, we are running low!"

I woke up one night to a strange noise, and when I went to investigate what it was, I found out that it was coming from my parents' room.

I looked inside and counted, ok one, two, three finger men and my mom, so nothing out of the ordinary, so then I checked my sister's room, and I counted 4 other women in the room, but then I realized that the sound was coming from right in front of me. It was my dad giving me a BJ the whole time.

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"

"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!"

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone.

It’s either really terrible news or really great news.

What's wrong with 89?

You blow me and I owe you one.

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.