Therapist: So what brought you here today?
Wife: He's too literal.
Therapist: And you, sir?
Husband: My truck.
Whoever said men will f**k anything that moves is *dead* wrong.
I went to take out the trash, could not find you, so I went back in. The next day I found you.
How emos propose: Would you please join my family tree?
Girl: Dad, where are you?
Dad: I went to go get milk.
Girl: But we have milk.
Dad: I know, I just don't love you.
Dad: Honey!
Mom: What?
Dad: All of the broken condoms are on the bed.
Mom: WHAT!?
Children: *staring*
You look at it. You tug on it like a shoe string. You play with it like elastic bubble plastic, but it still never grows.
When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."
Me: What do you want to do for your birthday?
Fiancé: I want to go somewhere I've never been before!
Me: Well welcome to the Kitchen!
I broke up with my boyfriend and stole his wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
Imagine someone leaving a cut-out of Jeff Bezos on your car after you found out your blind bf cheated on you, and the McDonald's employee says over the speaker, "Weren't expecting him to see other hoes were you?"
I caught my wife cheating on me.
I beat my son and grounded him.
Do you know why boys can't ask girls out? Because they don't have any balls to ask girls out!
Me and my friend roasting each other.
Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.
Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.
When your girlfriend tells you she's a guy: "What, bitch? Naw, hell no!"
How to trick a gay man into having sex with a woman?
Take a dump on her vagina!
Why can't orphans work at McDonald's? Because they call their employees family.
Man: Why can't an orphan use Verizon?
Kid: Why?
Man: 'Cause they have a family plan.
Kid: Oh, then I need to switch phone services then.
Man: Why?
Kid: I'm an orphan.
Man: *laughs out loud* That's tough!
(You can tell the joke shortened by saying, "Why can't an orphan use Verizon? 'Cause they have a family plan.")
My mom said, "Why did I adopt you?"
I said, "Because the other three were mistakes."
Wife: Stop telling rape jokes, it's not funny. Husband: Who raped you this morning?
