Relationship jokes

Jacob likes fucking me and my mom.

Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Are your parents bakers? Because you're a cutie pie.

Are you a loan? Because you've got my interest.

Is your dad a boxer? Because you’re a knockout!

If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cute-cumber.

Are you an artist? Because you’re really good at drawing me in.

I believe in following my dreams. Can I have your Instagram?

If you were a fruit, you’d be a fine-apple.

If you were a flower, you'd be a daaaaaamn-delion!

Wanna touch my shirt? It's made of boyfriend/girlfriend/partner material.

I’m lost. Can you give me directions to your heart?

I was going to give my wife chocolates, but my fat friends ate them.

Wife: "You don't even have friends!"

I got in trouble in school today. The teacher said, "I'm gonna call your parents!"

I said, "Let me know when you find them." <3

Yo, little sister, pussy taste so GOOD on my TONGUE!

I copied my friend's work. It's not like the teacher can tell my parents.

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

Not your dad.

what's the difference between a dog and a dad? The dog comes back.

"Can we do 69?"

"How about we do 9/11 since we will crash together?"

My girlfriend is growing watermelons, not in the ground though (we had fun that night)!

My grandma said, "Hey, you want a Butterfinger cause I do?"

Me: Grandpa's in the kitchen if you want a finger.

You know, the strangest things happen. My mom said, "Step on a crack, you break your mama's back, but if you step on a line, you break your father's spine." I stepped on the line. It didn't break his spine. Mom, who is my father?

"Love is a good thing, never be embarrassed by it."

My emo friend tried to hi-five a tree. It left him hanging.

My emo friend got jealous when my phone died.

What's the difference between me and an orphan?

At least my dad came back.

I got $1,000,000 for my brother. Best trade I ever made!