Relationship jokes

Wanna touch my shirt? It's made of boyfriend/girlfriend/partner material.

I’m lost. Can you give me directions to your heart?

I was going to give my wife chocolates, but my fat friends ate them.

Wife: "You don't even have friends!"

I got in trouble in school today. The teacher said, "I'm gonna call your parents!"

I said, "Let me know when you find them." <3

Yo, little sister, pussy taste so GOOD on my TONGUE!

I copied my friend's work. It's not like the teacher can tell my parents.

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

Not your dad.

what's the difference between a dog and a dad? The dog comes back.

"Can we do 69?"

"How about we do 9/11 since we will crash together?"

My girlfriend is growing watermelons, not in the ground though (we had fun that night)!

My grandma said, "Hey, you want a Butterfinger cause I do?"

Me: Grandpa's in the kitchen if you want a finger.

You know, the strangest things happen. My mom said, "Step on a crack, you break your mama's back, but if you step on a line, you break your father's spine." I stepped on the line. It didn't break his spine. Mom, who is my father?

"Love is a good thing, never be embarrassed by it."

My emo friend tried to hi-five a tree. It left him hanging.

My emo friend got jealous when my phone died.

What's the difference between me and an orphan?

At least my dad came back.

I got $1,000,000 for my brother. Best trade I ever made!

I was walking this hot girl home, then she noticed me, then the walk turned into a run.

My ex was an orphan as a child.

I should have taken that as the first sign.

If her parents didn't want her, why would I?

JACK AND JILL 2.0

After Jill went down the hill to get a pill,

Jack was screaming till his voice went nil,

And Jill screamed "Chill!"