So I was digging in the garden and I found some treasure. I was gonna tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging in the garden.
My girlfriend said she's having a horrible time with her period. I ask her which one, but realize she's not talking about school...
We don't see each other very much.
A guy asked me what I do for a living.
Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"
Like if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, or husband, or wife, or a crush.
What do you call a not potty trained human?
Amber Heard.
What do you call a downy who can't get a girlfriend?
Down bad.
Why do trees always gotta leave me hanging?
Dad: Son, I came back.
Son: Where is the milk?
Dad: Time for another 10 years.
One day Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking a cigar. Johnny said, "Can I have a puff?"
Grandpa said, "Can your dick touch your ass?"
Johnny said, "No, then that's your answer."
Later that day, Johnny saw his grandpa drinking a drink. Johnny said, "Can I have a sip?"
Grandpa said the same thing, "Can your dick touch your ass?"
Johnny said, "No, then that's your answer."
Later that night, Johnny was eating some cookies in the kitchen. Grandpa said, "Hi son, can I have a cookie?"
Johnny said, "Can your dick touch your ass?"
Grandpa said, "Yes."
Johnny said, "Good, go fuck yourself!"
So I had an idea: you and a friend go bar (pub (whatever you call it)) hopping and propose to said friend in each one so everyone buys you free drinks and you get drunk and have a great time.
Therapist: So what brought you here today?
Wife: He's too literal.
Therapist: And you, sir?
Husband: My truck.
Whoever said men will f**k anything that moves is *dead* wrong.
I went to take out the trash, could not find you, so I went back in. The next day I found you.
How emos propose: Would you please join my family tree?
Girl: Dad, where are you?
Dad: I went to go get milk.
Girl: But we have milk.
Dad: I know, I just don't love you.
Dad: Honey!
Mom: What?
Dad: All of the broken condoms are on the bed.
Mom: WHAT!?
Children: *staring*
You look at it. You tug on it like a shoe string. You play with it like elastic bubble plastic, but it still never grows.
When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."
Me: What do you want to do for your birthday?
Fiancé: I want to go somewhere I've never been before!
Me: Well welcome to the Kitchen!
I broke up with my boyfriend and stole his wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
