Nice jokes

What do you say to a feminist with no arms and no legs?

"Nice tits, bitch."

What does a woman and a hurricane have in common?

They’re nice and wet at first, but in the end they take everything.

You know that at Walmart they have backpacks next to the guns? Well, I thought that it was nice to see the bags next to the school supplies.

Gwen, why are you so nice?

Husband: "Honey, I just bought these special Olympic-style condoms!"

Wife: "Olympic-style condoms? What makes them so special?"

Husband: "They come in three colors: gold, silver, and bronze."

Wife: "Ooh, sweet. What color are you going to wear tonight?"

Husband: "Gold, of course!"

Wife: "Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."

"This isn't the first time my husband's cheated on me, but you're my sister! You'd better have a better explanation than this magic lamp."

"You know how you have to be specific making wishes? Well, I was really horny and asked the genie to have the world's biggest penis....ended up with a concert pianist that's seven foot tall. Nice guy. Next time I tried, I asked for the world's biggest cock, that was fun but the poor rooster died. So I asked for the world's biggest dick and that's how I ended up on top of your husband."

I saw this girl with blue hair and slapped her wrist and said, “NICE CUT G!”

What fits neatly into a hole, slides nicely between breasts, and if used wrong could choke someone? A seatbelt.

If I told you, you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

"Have a nice day" and "enjoy the next 24 hours" mean the same thing, but one sounds like a threat.

Roses are red, flowers are pretty, I heard your mom has a nice pair of titties.

Me: Hey, how are you?

Depression: I'm doing fine. We are just looking for a home :3

Insomnia: Mommy, can we get a home?

Anxiety: Insomnia, wait for mommy to finish.

Depression: Anyway, here is my resume!

Me: Okie, thank you. Ok... mhmmm... WOW! Okie, this is a nice resume! (Didn't Read it...)

Depression: Also, I have two more friends that want to move in too!

Me: Ok, and their names?

Depression: Their names are: PTSD and Trauma!

Me: Ok, they seem fine (Doesn't know about them)

Depression: Okie, here is the money (a penny :(). Thank you, we will call you if we need anything.

Me: Ok, see you soon! :3

Me now hates my life. :)

I got a roommate. He killed a butterfly, and I said no butter for a week. The next day, he killed a cockroach. Son of a bitch, nice try.

It's only okay to beat up a dwarf when they walk up to your wife and say, "Your hair smells nice."

What did the 0 say to the 8?

"Nice belt."

I wanted to do something nice for my uncle, so I cleaned out the nice vase that was given at grandma's funeral. It had so much sand, I'm glad to help.

Orphans are like vegans, no one ever remembers the nice ones.

Why do special ed classes have fans?

To keep the vegetables nice and fresh.

What do you say to a woman in a wheelchair with no arms or legs?

"Nice tits."

My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.

She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.