Nice jokes
Why does the Marine Corps have the best uniforms?
Because the Navy wants their bitches to look nice.
Really feeling suicidal is basically having a mental breakdown, but realizing you have nothing nice and sharp to use
Isn't it ironic that the actually nice people tend to be suicidal?
Think about it: suicide exists to make sure bad people bother each other instead.
Everyone: "Wow, you're so nice and perfect! Your life must be great!"
*Reality of having depression* Me: "Oh yeah, I guess. 😀"
What did the female farmer say to the person who raises a male chicken? "Nice cock!"
Why are farts a nice break for emos?
They get to cut cheese.
Husband: "Honey, I just bought these special Olympic-style condoms!"
Wife: "Olympic-style condoms? What makes them so special?"
Husband: "They come in three colors: gold, silver, and bronze."
Wife: "Ooh, sweet. What color are you going to wear tonight?"
Husband: "Gold, of course!"
Wife: "Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."
So I was living with a girl for a few weeks, and it was nice until she found out that I was there.
What do you say to a feminist with no arms and no legs?
"Nice tits, bitch."
You're like a stormy cloud, because once you go away, it's a nice day.
If a midget says your hair smells nice, is that sexual harassment?
What do you say to a woman in a wheelchair with no arms or legs?
"Nice tits."
What does a woman and a hurricane have in common?
They’re nice and wet at first, but in the end they take everything.
So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.
"Rajesh get on bus, so many people, squeeze here squeeze there. He daydream about naughty stuff, like coffee spill but not coffee. Bus move, stop, he press close to pretty lady, she smell nice. Rajesh think how funny if something else spill, make whole bus ride wild." He laugh to self, bus ride never boring now!
Roses are red, flowers are pretty, I heard your mom has a nice pair of titties.
My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.
She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.
What did Bill Cosby say on the second date?
"Hi, nice to meet you."
Kelly Clarkson wants to be Rosie O'Donnell so badly. Too bad Kelly is the "Queen of Incest" and not the "Queen of Nice".
(And Kelly came from a sundown town in the Deep South, and not from Long Island.)
"Nice pants. Can I test the zipper?"