News Jokes

How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? - None, they declare darkness to be the new standard.

what is al-qaeda's favorite football team? the new york jets

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

What did the cop say after he shot the ginger? "I guess orange is the new black"

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

What does the suicidal person say on New Years? "New year, no me"

Where are you not allowed to go trick or treating as a ghost? Harlem, New York.

What did a terrorist say when New York didn't want his food?

Here Comes The Airplane!

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

My mom has a policy where if you kill a butterfly, no butter for a week, and if you kill a grub, no grub for a week.

She killed a cockroach today. I have some bad news for her.

I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realised they didn't fit me around the waist so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waist of time.

son: can i go to my friends mum? mum: no! son: dad was right i am a son of a bitch! mum: bad news but your adopted!!

I'm shocked, my new toaster isn't waterproof

Gow do you keep tour friends from boring you with pictures of their children?

Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"

Doctor: I've got good news and bad news Patient: What's the good news? Doctor: I've got u flowers Patient: Awww, What's the bad news? Doctor: *They're for your grave*

When my dad left he said he would bring back the milk but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him and he said "I used all the milk to make your sister"