News jokes

So, an Irish man is walking his poodle, and his buddy comes running up to him saying there’s a new pub in town and they’re giving out free pints.

So the man picks up his dog and runs like hell to the bar. But the bar owner stops him and says, "Sorry, you can’t go in." The Irish man says, "Why can’t I go in?" "Well, you have a dog, sir, and that sign over there says no dogs allowed. You’re going to have to leave him outside." Well, the Irish man thinks quick and says, "I’m blind; it’s a seeing eye dog." The owner says, "That’s ridiculous. A seeing eye dog would be a German shepherd or golden Labrador or something like that." The Irish man says, "Well, what kind of dog did they give me??"😂

My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.

So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

What is Al-Qaeda's favorite football team? The New York Jets.

I've just started a new business making people breathe in large amounts of helium. They all speak very highly of it.

Emo kids counting be like: 1, 2, 3 come hang with me! 4, 5, 6 Gonna get new slits! 7, 8, 9 Suicide! 10, 11, 12 Bring some pills!

What did a terrorist say when New York didn't want his food?

"Here Comes The Airplane!"

Me traveling back in time to tell Americans there will be a big tsunami on 9/11/2001, and to survive it they have to climb the two tallest buildings in New York.

What did the cop say after he shot the ginger?

"I guess orange is the new black."

Did you hear about the exciting new drug they developed for lesbians with depression? They call it: TRICOXAGIN.

A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.

The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."

When I was your age, we had Wacko Jacko, not Florida Man.

Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.

Patient: What's the good news?

Doctor: I've got you flowers.

Patient: Awww, What's the bad news?

Doctor: They're for your grave.

What does the suicidal person say on New Years?

"New year, no me."

Where are you not allowed to go trick or treating as a ghost?

Harlem, New York.

I'm shocked, my new toaster isn't waterproof.

My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.

Did you hear about the guy who got electrocuted?

It was quite a shocker.

My mom has a policy where if you kill a butterfly, no butter for a week, and if you kill a grub, no grub for a week.

She killed a cockroach today. I have some bad news for her.

Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!