News jokes

And Sterling has taken a dive.

That's all for financial news, back to the football.

I don't really trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say "press," but if you press those badges, they just fall over, all surprised.

A guy goes in to get some tests done. The doctor comes out and says, "I got good news and bad news." The guy says, "Ok, let's get the bad news out of the way." The doctor says, "The tests came back positive. You got two weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh My God!! Then what the hell is the good news?" Doctor says "You see that nurse over there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwin' her."

If you ever think no one cares about you,

kill someone, then the news will.

I saw a news ad on TV about a dad coming home after getting milk. I said, "I've never seen that one before!"

News: Ook! says an interviewed monkey.

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

So I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

Okay, so one time a deaf kid got into a car accident, but he didn't herd in on the news.

Breaking news (2020): Depressed pigeon misses shitting on people.

*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stockpiled "just in case".

The whole lot collapsed and buried him.

A girl was going through some really bad health issues at her house. It got so bad that she had to be rushed to the hospital.

Her husband found out about this after work and went to check on her. When he got there, the desk lady immediately pointed down the hall to a doctor. The guy walked up to the doctor, "Are you the one taking care of my wife?" The doctor glanced away from his papers, "Yes, that would be me, but I am afraid that she is in very bad condition. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that she will have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. Also, she can't eat normally. Taking care of her will become very hard. Basically, it will be like taking care of a big baby." Shocked, the guy says, "Wait, if that's the bad news, than what is the good news?" The doctor goes, "I'm just kidding with you, she died!"

Great news for all Star Wars fans who can't wait until the next movie!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoMlJbLJHcg

Have you heard the gossip about the butter? Oh, I guess I better not spread it.

Doctor: I have bad news.

Man: What?

Doctor: There are two things wrong with you. First, you have cancer.

Man: Oh, no...

Doctor: Second, you have Alzheimer's.

Man: Well, at least I don't have cancer!

The best news about a pretty girl with special needs is that you can get her to do exactly what you want her to do.

I mean, she probably thinks receiving oral is like 100% blood sausage coming right at her.

When a redhead commits a mass shooting, does the headline read, "Ginger snaps"?

NEWS: A man kidnapped a 13-year-old girl.

MOM OF GIRL: The man had a shady face and a receding hairline.

The death of JFK must have splattered on the news.

I've reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there'll be some new developments I won't like.

Kobe Bryant helicopter crash jokes daily.