News jokes
A team of cops and a news reporter are at a home where a violent crime has been committed. The head news reporter, in front of the camera, says, "A woman in this house has killed her husband because he stepped on the floor while she was mopping." He then turns around and asks a cop, "Has the woman been arrested yet?" The cop replies, "Not yet, we're waiting for the floor to dry."
Have you heard about the corduroy pillow cases? They've been making headlines.
The news of the brother getting sucked off regularly by his sister spread really fast... all over her face 🤤.
Mother: Jack, I have good news and some bad news, which would you like to hear first?
Jack: Bad News first.
Mother: I'm dying!
Jack: Mother, I said bad news first.
Mother: *cries*
Jack was never seen again.
One day I was with my mom and we had no money on the credit card, and we live far, and my mom was hungry.
A guy and his friend had a car and asked us if we were lost. We said no, we have no ride, no money, and my mom is hungry. So the guy would take us for a blowjob each, so I was driving the car and my mom gave both guys a blowjob. We had to get out of the car to look for something, then the two guys went in the car and told us we got bad news and good news. I asked what the bad news was. They said that they're not taking us home, so I asked what the good news was. They told me that they fed my mom and drove off. I guess where they left us wasn't a long walk and my mom wasn't hungry anymore.
I told my mom I'm happy and she said: "I didn't know you were gay."
I think I'm colorblind. News came out of purple.
What does a news anchor cow say for the weekly broadcast?
"Here's the beef of the week!"
Why are they called "breaking news" in the entire world?
Because they are breaking the whole entire news.
Did you hear about the Boston marathon? 'Cause, well, I heard it was a blast and that it blew everyone away!
Did you hear on the news that a midget psychic broke out of jail?
There is a small medium at large.
Did you hear about the person who died? I would tell you about him, but he died.
What's black and white and red all over?
A newspaper.
I threw a paper airplane at the twin sisters. The teacher was upset. I guess they don't read the news.
A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."
The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"
The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
A man tried to tame a horse, but always failed. The news spread around town that this man couldn’t tame one single horse.
One day, the man went to a bar, where a fairly old man sat next to him. “Well partner!” He began. “I guess your dream horse is more of a NIGHT-MARE!”
What’s the difference between a cancer patient and a British news reporter in the South?
They usually don’t live to tell the tale.
I saw a helicopter fly. Next minute, I knew Kobe was on the news.
"Scoop pa tun manaa?"
In other news, we are hearing of a nasty helicopter crash on the M4. Let's cross live to our eye-in-the-sky, Mark. Mark?