News jokes
Fritzchen was supposed to remember three sentences. He asks his mother, "Mom, do you have any news?" The mother replies angrily, "Stop it!"
Fritzchen goes to see his father, who is watching a football match. When a goal is scored, he shouts, "That's it!"
Finally, he asks his sister, "Sister, do you have anything to say?" She is currently reading a story about a fool and says, "He is the dumbest person in the world!"
The next day at school, the teacher asks, "Fritzchen, did you learn the phrases?" Fritzchen replies, "Stop it!" The teacher is shocked: "Fritzchen! Don't say that to me. Go to the principal immediately!" Fritzchen shouts, "That's it!" Arriving at the principal's office, he asks, "Who do you think I am?" Fritzchen promptly replies, "He's the dumbest person in the world!"
White comedy week:
Monster Truck Monday
Trailer Park Tuesday
White Trash Wednesday
Take Your Sister Out Thursday
Fox News Friday
Storm the Capitol Saturday
Say You’re Sorry Sunday
During the Wintery Wackiness Wars!
A Soviet Sergeant, stationed stilly near a sloped summit with his silly soldiers!
Then a shout sails from the tippy-top: "A Finnish fighter's fantastic force fractures a hundred heroic Honchos!"
The Kommandant's kerfuffle commences, commanding a caravan of one hundred comrades to conquer the crest!
Nifty navigation notes nil, the nasty news nabs many! After an Hour, hush descends. The high voice hollers, "A Finnish fighter's fantastic force fractures a thousand heroic Honchos!"
Kommander fumes, forcing a further flurry, flinging one thousand fine fellows skyward!
Nearly two hours now and the noisy nuisance ceases, then the shouting starts: "A Finnish fighter's fantastic force fractures ten thousand heroic Honchos!"
The Kommandant kaput! Ten thousand troopers take the trek, taking tanks, trundling skyward, to take the terrain!
Four fearsome, fretful hours then a soldier in tatters comes tumbling, talking: "Stop sending up soldiers, sir! There's two Finns fighting fiercely!"
A team of cops and a news reporter are at a home where a violent crime has been committed. The head news reporter, in front of the camera, says, "A woman in this house has killed her husband because he stepped on the floor while she was mopping." He then turns around and asks a cop, "Has the woman been arrested yet?" The cop replies, "Not yet, we're waiting for the floor to dry."
When a redhead commits a mass shooting, does the headline read, "Ginger snaps"?
The best news about a pretty girl with special needs is that you can get her to do exactly what you want her to do.
I mean, she probably thinks receiving oral is like 100% blood sausage coming right at her.
I just found out I'm colorblind. News came out of the purple.
I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.
Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
How do you know when a fat person stops eating? You read about it in the obituary.
Why are 9/11 victims the fastest readers in the world?
Because they went through 90 stories in just 10 seconds!
What’s the difference between a cancer patient and a British news reporter in the South?
They usually don’t live to tell the tale.
People claim that Trump has Russian ties.
FAKE NEWS!
All of Trump's ties are made in China.
NASA called me and they said they reached your hairline.
A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."
The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"
The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
NEWS: A man kidnapped a 13-year-old girl.
MOM OF GIRL: The man had a shady face and a receding hairline.
I went to see my dentist, and she warned me it was going to hurt. Then, she told me she was having an affair with my husband. Good news though...the cleaning didn't hurt.
I told my mom I'm happy and she said: "I didn't know you were gay."
BREAKING NEWS
All the desert regions in the world are now considered lush rainforests. They house many different species of life and have significantly helped with the constant carbon dioxide emissions.
The reason why is because... Your texts are so dry.
If you ever think no one cares about you,
kill someone, then the news will.
Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!