New News Jokes

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.

It's my New Year's resolution.

Why didn’t the autistic boy like Minecraft?

There was a new texture pack.

I'm starting a new charity where homosexuals help the extreme handicapped. I'm calling it "Fruits and Vegetables"

Roses are red, violets are blue. These jokes are old, come up with something new.

What's the difference between your new girlfriend and a tornado? At first, there is a lot of blowing and then your house will be gone

When Pope Pius (IX.) died, he went to Heaven, knocked at the door, St. Peter opened: "Who are you, what do you want?” "I am Pope Pius. I want to come to heaven.” “Where do you come from?" "Rome." "What do you mean? Rome Massachusetts or Rome New York?" "No, Rome Italy of course." "I'm very sorry, but I do not know you!"

To make sure to not erroneously deny access to an authorised person, Saint Peter takes the telephone, calls up God and asks: "Hello Boss, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?" "What do you mean: Rome Massachusetts or Rome New York?" "No, Rome Italy of course." "No, sorry, I don’t know him."

Saint Peter makes another telephone call and rings up Jesus: "Hello Junior - here’s a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?" "Rome Massachusetts or Rome New York?" "Rome Italy." "No sorry, never heard of."

Saint Peter still does not give up and finally calls up the the Holy Ghost and asks: "Hello Smoky, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome. Do you know him?" "What does he mean, Rome Massachusetts or Rome New York?" "He says Rome Italy." "No sorry, I’m afraid I do not know this guy." But then, after a very short while he continues: "Wait, wait - tell me, is that the guy who invented the damn story about Mary and me?"

I’ve been munching away on these new tic tacs recently and honestly, they are really good. It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty tho, so it’s time to get some more!

A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression. It’s called Trycoxagain.

I just watched a 9/11 documentary on a plane Man next me said you know we’re going to New York right I told him I just wanna know what I got into

What did the rapper name his new DOG?

Lil Bark

ISIS recently brought out a new shampoo

HEAD AND SOLDIERS !!!!

Why are 9/11 victims the fastest readers in the world? Because they went through 90 stories in just 10 seconds!

They're making a new Alien movie.

There are so many Aliens you cant keep track.

What’s the difference between a cancer patient and British news reporter in south They usually don’t live to tell the tale

why are people from New York so bad at chess? < Because they quickly lose two towers (rooks)

Me traveling back in time to tell Americans there will be a big tsunami on 9/11/2001, and to survive it they have to climb the two tallest buildings in New York.