My jokes
Hi, people. I really need a friend. Can someone please be my friend? Say in comments if you will.
I will always remember my grandfather's last words before he died: "Is that a real chainsaw?"
Hello people, my name is Osama.
I'm back from the dead and I want to blow you.
My speech impediment has gotten so worse that I stutter when typing sentences.
I feel weird to ask this, but can anyone guess my real name?
#Imbored
Memes
My nuts hurt; if you pull them, I will scream.
My nuts tickle; scratch them, and I won’t like you no more.
Guy: Do you want a nickel?
Girl: Sure.
Guy: So you’ll tickle my pickle?
Girl: 😳😩😩😩
My friend: You're ugly.
The orphanage: That's what I said to all my children.
Do nut get in my way.
Hey guys, I'm back. I was grounded by my grandfather, so, yeah.
Okay, I'm on my last nerve when people say "Water Shark Guy" and other things THAT ARE NOT MY NAME.
This is my name: watersharky!
My pet parrot had an accident and lost both his wings... he is being very brave about it though... he is totally unflappable.
Dad: Where is my son?
Son: Come join me with musical chairs, except we stand on them.
Dad: Ok, so do we put this round our neck?
Son: YES!
Mum: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
My sister is really disrespectful, and her famous words are, "You're not my parent!" The next time she says this, I'm going to respond back with, "You're right, because I would have worn a condom to protect from you being born unlike my dad did!"
My dad owns a countertop store and sometimes he'll barter.
A lot of the time he will take things for granite.
A lot of counter-offers were made.
What did Josef Vasicek think before the plane hit the ground?
"Oh shit, is my name still on the Stanley Cup?"
Person: "My pony is crazy; it's always horsing around."
My sister lost two things today:
1: Her virginity.
2: Her job at the zoo.
I took my mother-in-law out today...
I love being a sniper.
So my friend died. I was at her casket. I said I'll see you on the other side, so I went to the other side of the casket.