My jokes

Do you like Imagine Dragons?

Imagine draggin' my balls on your face.

A book just fell on my head. I’ve got only my shelf to blame!

I shidded out my baby, then became a fish.

My friend said not to look down on me. I said I can't because I'm shorter than her.

I wasn't close to my dad when he died.

Which was good. He died during 9/11.

"Police control! Have you been drinking?"

"Go Pikachu! Thunder Clap!"

"Did you just throw a hamster at my head?"

What do the Twin Towers and my ex have in common?

They both fell on my dad.

I gave my sister a compliment and said she's pretty, then while she was saying thanks, I said, "pretty ugly."

Me: You are pretty. Her: Thanks. Me: Pretty ugly.

I hate family reunions. I see too many of my exes there.

Wanna know what an orphan's least favorite song is?

"More Than My Hometown."

For some reason, people make fun of my name because it rhymes with something that starts with an F.

One day I went to talk to my friend.

"Hi John!" I said.

No response.

"Oh, yeah."

I went to pick up the remote and clicked the unmute button.

"Hope that helps!"

Are you a marry, because you are my mother?

The joke I'm telling is my brother, Joey.

My grandma stubbed her toe in an elevator on September 21st.

My friend is an emo. I asked why he wears black. He said, "Black like my soul." I just walked away.

I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said, "Never mind."

I broke my ankles so hard I had to walk uphill both ways.

Kid: I got homework.

Mom: Ok, so?

Kid: I got a F in my balls.

My jokes are like your dad, you only see them for a few days.