My jokes

I made this game called Ligma. Say it, "Ligma."

Lick my balls.

What were my final words to Putin before I put a bullet through his head?

Answer: Putin, put out!

I drove my new rainbow-colored car today. For some reason, it wouldn't go straight.

I like my women like I like my chocolate.

Edible.

I like my cigars like I like my women:

Seven years old coming from Cuba in a burlap sack.

So a girl says to her ex, "I can't get you out of my mind, the boyfriend I knew." The girl replies, "I see you in everything, like when I'm walking down the street, even at work, like trash cans are everywhere."

My friend: "Ess, stop with the self-harm jokes it's not funny."

Me: "C'mon it's not that deep."

Someone stole my toilet, and the police have nothing to go on.

I asked my rigger buddy if he could tie me up later, he said, "I'm a frayed knot."

What's My Favorite Thing About My Grandpa?

His life insurance...

My father was a great pilot. He died on 9/11.

Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."

The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"

Dear uncle, I want my condoms.

Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted. Me and my dad were going home and walk home and I got home.

I love eating pussy. That’s why the animal shelter is always my go-to for a good meal.

Friend texting fat boy: I know you're on the group chat. I can see you looking at my texts.

Me: I can only see fat.

Today was a really bad day. My mother-in-law was hit by a cab AND I lost my job as a cab driver!

My girlfriend's sister told me to write her a poem. This is what I came up with:

roses are red, violets are blue, if you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

My sister's pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad!

I wasn’t understanding what I had to do for homework, so my teacher said, “Let me break it down for you like the Twin Towers.”