My jokes

My Mom said she's going to kill me if I don't stop using my computer.

Roblox jokes be like: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I should create a game.

*Creates game* bruh my game got to thousand hundred 700,000 likes!

😄😄😄

The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just checking my Facebook quickly before the kettle boils.

My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer.

Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer, then someone would kill me.

I'm dyslexic. My sister was reading, "What's the book?" I asked. She showed me the cover. "You reading 'The Scared Bull'?" I asked. She started laughing. "No, 'The Sacred Bull'!"

Mom: Do I look fat in my dress?

Child: Nah... you look fat in every dress!

My girlfriend is so stupid, she asked me if I wanted to shower with her to save money on our water bill, while we were staying at a hotel where we didn't even have to pay the water bill.

I left my boots on in the river, and I drowned.

Read my name.

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic, but I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

My science teacher was talking about natural selection.

At one point, she asked me to name the first person to theorize about it. I said, "Eric Harris." It was on his shirt.

If you don't get the joke, look up "Eric Harris natural selection."

You know what I told my little brother plane?

My mum is a vegan. She brings us to after school seitan.

Took my receipt to the sperm bank so I can get this comeback.

Sometimes I look around and all I see is two fat cheeks in my face and say, "Too mushy apples."

I bought my sister a trampoline. She sat in her wheelchair and cried.

I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.

And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."

Your hairline and my grandpa go wayyyyy back.

Say my name if you like "Breaking Bad."

Little off topic but...

Mum: You wouldn't be here without me.

Son: And my birth certificate is a sorry letter from the condom factory.

Mum: Fair point.