My jokes
Peanuts are hard to crack, just like my ex-wife's heart.
Some kid: Hey, did you know there's an orphanage down the street?!
Me: NO WAY! Wanna check it out?
Kid: NO, IT'S HAUNTED!!
Me: Haunted my ass, let's go!
Kid: Wait, isn't your house also haunted???
Me: Yea
Some weird kid came into school today with his tagging gun. He tagged my friend really good. At the end, he tagged 12 students and 1 teacher. VICTORY ROAYAL ✌
I woke up today, and my mom said it was 1940.
I took my girlfriend to the beach, and a marine biologist thought she was a beluga whale.
Memes
My dad owns a countertop store and sometimes he'll barter.
A lot of the time he will take things for granite.
A lot of counter-offers were made.
I got to work.
Ben: Oh no, my boss is here. I hate my job and I'm terrified of my boss.
Ben: Uh, hey, hey Mr. Boss.
Boss: Have a nice day.
Ben: Ok, bye!
Boss:??
Q: My scale had my phone number on it. Wandering why, I looked up only to see an elephant in my face...
Q: My dad woke up one morning about to go to work, but he was still really tired, so he decided the quickest way to wake him up was to slap him in the face.
So he asked me to do it, but I guess I don't know my own strength, and so he went back to sleep again...
I asked my teacher if I needed to be in the special ED class, but she said I don’t eat enough vegetables.
My ex misses me, but her aim is getting better.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out, I'm just a burden.
One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother's face through the oven window as we played hide and seek, and she said: "You're getting warmer!"
Are you dead? Because you look like my dog.
My bad, I kick me bad in if balls, and he got so fucking mad.
I've spent most of my life avoiding conflict. That's why I'm never intending to visit Syria.
There was a big problem yesterday.
My dishwasher has stopped working; her visa had expired.
I just wanted to say whoever is a faker pretending to be me, that you are literally ruining my life right now. And I can literally not take this right now in life and that I just want peace so please, please stop.
Prince, please talk to me for real...
Let's sort this out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please, please answer me. I need an answer!!!!!!!!!!!! BTW, Princess, my name is Gwen, and I am not a faker!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"I swear I'm the real Gwen! I swear on my life!"