My jokes
My dick harder than stone, man.
I asked my sister to get me a cup of fruit punch. I realized she was taking a bit so I walk to the kitchen and noticed that she spilled it on herself. I asked her, "How did you do that?" but there was no response.
I've spent most of my life avoiding conflict. That's why I'm never intending to visit Syria.
My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with. I probably should've stopped when I got to her.
There were three babies in a mom's stomach. One baby asks, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The other baby answers, "A doctor. I want to help people. What about you?"
"I want to be an engineer. I want to make things. What about you?" he asks to the third baby.
"I want to be a hunter."
"Why?" the other babies ask.
"I want to kill the snake that spits on my face."
My brother
POV there’s a school shooting.
American: First time, European?
European: Yeah, you American?
American: No, not my first time.
I got a lot running through my head right now. I wish at least one was a 12-gauge round.
My cousin’s friend spelled “racist” wrong and when my cousin showed me, the first thing I said to my cousin’s friend is “Go to Grammarly. They REALLY teach you spelling.”
My wife is so fat. She jumped up in the air and got stuck.
My friend's 4-year-old daughter made up this joke.
What kind of poo should you put in your hair?
Shampoo.
My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen.
He was charged for impersonating a police officer.
"Hi, my name is Robert. I have no life. Even my PS4 username is gay lil_bama."
Police: Where do you live? Blonde: With my parents. Police: Where do your parents live? Blonde: With me. Police: Where do you all live? Blonde: Together. Police: Where is your house? Blonde: Next to my neighbor's house. Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Blonde: If I tell you, you won't believe me. Police: Tell me. Blonde: Next to my house.
POV: Someone stole Michael Jackson's baby: "He he stole my bab(y), he he."
So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."
I should name my dog Ariana Grande.
That way I could say that I fucked Ariana Grande.
Guy: Are you tired?
His “Crush”: No.
Guy: Are you sure, because you’ve been running through my mind all day?
His “Crush”: That’s sweet.
Guy: I’m joking, you don’t look like you do any running.
I got my little girl a hand sewing kit for her birthday and she cried. I didn't understand why until I realized that she had no hands to sew with.
Where did my rabbit go?
*crunch*
Dear Victims... äh Passengers, we are flying now from Ryadh to New York. Amazing Building... äh Amazing City. There's online, but 2000 there were two Towers... äh Restaurants. We hijack the plane... äh Hi Jack. Jack is my co-pilot, and I said hello. Don‘t scream... History Repea... äh... History never comes back, we are now flying back to the Airport. 💀